Being Proactive (yes you can, but do you want to?)

[RedRibbons]

So! First of all, I was watching some of those social phobia blog videos and reading some replies.. A lot of the people who are speaking say "I can't", and, "it's just the way I am". I'm not going to say I've never said "I can't", ANYWAY!

"I can't hang out with people because.. I won't have anything to say"
"I can't answer the phone because.. I might stutter and I won't know what to talk about"
"I can't go to the mall... cause people might look at me weird"

These people aren't taking responsibility for their behaviour. They are blaming it on some outside source... The judgment of other people. And instead of being proactive, they are being reactive. Letting outside stimulus determine their reaction.

There is a lot to this... concept.. (and I didn't come up with it myself, lol) and I haven't quite got the best handle on it yet, but I think I have a fair enough handle, to try and share it!

To take responsibility would be to say..

"I don't want to go to the mall because people might look at me weird"

Then to focus on where our concern is..

"I don't want to go to the mall because people might look at me weird"

A more proactive way to say this would be..

"I'm going to the mall because I want to get a new pair of pants."

We've taken the responsibility by saying that we're going to the mall, and we've also shifted our concern away from other people (something we can't really control), to our own reasonable needs/wants (something we can control).

... The thing is, is that the way people behave towards us, whether they look at us weird, or call us names... Is out of our control.. And by saying it's in our control.. Because we can hide away from them.. Is pretty much rolling over on our backs and saying "you win", which none of us really want to say, to anyone? Right? To give them control of the one thing we truly have control of? The gap between their action and our reaction. That gap is where we gain control of ourselves!

In that gap we can consciously decide how we want to react to possible actions of others (whether we concoct it, or it's really there). We can run and hide.. As per usual.. Or we can take responsibility for our reaction.. And decide to stick it out, because in the end that's what we want is it not? To overcome social phobia?

Umm.. yea kinda losing my train of thought here.. But the book I am reading is called "the 7 habits of highly effective people". it's a good read. It's intelligent, easy to understand, and helpful. I've only just gotten halfway through the first habit.. haha. I suggest it to everyone here. If you want to be proactive, rather than reactive, in your battle with social phobia.

lolzer yea.

I know it's easier said than done.

 

[sabbath92002]

Great post RedRibbons!

In ACT we learn to be response-able by using our own values to guide and motivate us. It's not about reducing anxiety, it's about increasing our willingness to take our feelings/pain with us.

 

[Infected_Malignity]

your posts are about as long and as crazy as mine.

you're dead on, we have no control over what the hell happens. we put ourselves out there into the world, and then fate takes the wheel. but i've found a better way to face this uncertainty, and it's something my crazy head came up with alone... quite frankly it works, but i've never heard or read about it before anywhere else.

i started doing it at work because i'm always a nervous wreck (which somehow transfers itself into intimidation... which is absolutely beyond me) when dealing with 'oh no, what are people going to think of me?!' scenario.

so i decided... instead of trying to look confident and like i have everything under control, why not be honest? better yet, why not set myself up for total failure instead? so basically, i started humiliating myself on purpose. somehow i grew a pair of the finest testicles i could, and put my own homebrew method to work... and holy shit.

it's the most hilariously liberating thing i've ever done yet, and it's the best way for me to get comfortable. and what's beyond me is the fact that people seem to open up to me and like me better since then - maybe it's because i started opening up my big mouth and realizing i really do have something to say. and what the hell is there to lose anyway? i guess in reality, it's taught me to be socially... myself. and even more comfortable with myself, which feels damn awesome.

but the point is, it's not about building yourself up to those predetermined expectations of what your mind wants you to think other people think about you. you'll never meet those expectations. so fuck up, have fun, and cause a little mayhem... trust me, it works.

 

[RedRibbons]

I know what you're sayin', infected_malignity!

I'm actually quite ridiculous myself, at times. I don't mess up on purpose, but I've learned to laugh at my 'faux pas' for the most part. It makes me laugh, and it makes other people laugh too. I think it's about not taking yourself so seriously, and just having fun with whatever comes your way.

Sabbath, that's cool. I've never done act before.. but I'm sure this book touches on a lot of aspects of act, because really, to live a positive and healthy life means to be proactive.. upon other things.

 

[Danfalc]

Good post... this was a big part of what my therapist was trying to get across to me when i was doing c.b.t.He would ask me why i didnt like doing somthing or why i couldnt do somthing ect... And alot of the time i would say "because my sp makes it hard.... or i cant do that cos of my depression"

I was quite defensive about it at first.. but what he was saying was right... instead of taking responcability... i was shifting the blame onto my illness.Its like one day i said to him.. i cant do whatever it was he asked me to do... because my depression was that bad i couldnt get out of bed.I thought it was harsh at first but he said to me i had two legs and arms.. and there wasnt anything actualy stopping myself getting out of bed cept from myself.

That kinda is a black and white view... we all know its not as simple as that... its like someone saying too us... "snap out of it or you need to be around people more and get out more ect".And it really isnt as easy as that... but at the same time.. yes this shitty illness is hard.. and makes the most simple of things impossible... but it is down to us to get better...even tho it isnt fair... even tho we didnt ask for sp.. weve got it and have to do the best we can.

 

[lifes_to_long]

mmmmmmmmm I kinda disagree, Im the opposite to this I end up saying im not going to the shop because I dont need to and that can be just as bad as the avoidence your describing, rather than saying what am I scared of I just think to myself I can't be bothered or I don't want to, its easier than dealing with the fear and working with the fear to move my butt, I'm not naturally lazy person I don't believe that anyone truely is but the fear changes your paterns of behaviour, I don't totally disagree but I think theres always to sides to the story.......its like unbreakable the film with bruce and samuel....I'm samuel....actually his bones shatter I'm bruce.lol your samuel.have fun and watch those bones.

 

[RedRibbons]

Well if you tell yourself you really don't need whatever it is.. Then it would be up to you to decide what is fueling that answer. Do you really NOT need it, or do you not need it because you have too difficult a time going into public?

Then I guess you would weigh what is more important, the item you need, or protecting yourself from a stranger judging you, or accidentally messing up? The latter actually happening is not that likely, and if it were to happen (a stranger outwardly judge you, or you mess up), what's the worst that can come out of it? You meet an asshole, and you make a bit of a fool of yourself.

The thing is is that everyone is flawed, and everyone judges, even you do. You're judging people by assuming they are judging you. When in fact, a lot of strangers could really care less about what you're doing, they're more concerned with themselves.

 

[creep_x]

i think saying positive things to urself does help but yeah u have to take the 1st step.. u can't just wait 4 things 2 happen & just bitch about them. The best way to overcome any fear is to face it which i admit is very difficult initially. But there are times when u gotta do what u just gotta do, no excuses.