being "judged" for changing

[DannieCleo]

I work as a TA in a primary school.

before the end of the last school year, i vowed to myself i would make an effort to try and change my behaviour.

But a week or so later on two seperate occasions i over heard two different sets of colleagues talking about me.

I work in a predominantly female environment and while i hate to say it, women can me very judgemental, gossipy and bitchy.

My worry is that if i DO start to make more of an effort in the new school year, i will be "judged" and talked about even more. Suspision will be cast on why i suddenly "changed" and my motives for it.

i don't have any colleague i am close enough to to confide in and no one knows of my SA.

I started in october of 2006 and i don't feel an effort was really made to "bring me into the fold" or make me feel "part of the team".

And, no, it was NOT just me and my SA talking. I would be pointedly ignored in the staffroom (ie if it were me and two other colleagues they would be sitting whispering/gossiping about other staff and they never inluded me in conversations etc).

Its should be pretty obvious to anyone that this kind of behaviour would not make a new member of staff feel welcome, let alone one who has SA.

I should point out that when i started the job, i had no idea about SA. I just spent my life thinking i was ridiculously shy/had low self esteem.

Anyway, this post is already longer than i intended it to be.

so to paraphrase - how do you change your behaviour towards people you feel already have a negative opinion of you, and will have one no matter what you do?

 

[Marie_knowsbestt]

have a look at the understanding why theres a vicious circle thread, u might find some useful stuff in there.

is there a high turn over of staff in your workplace? that can sometimes make people not to bothered about gettin to know you, because people come n go all the time sorta thing.

i mean if you came in skipping and laughing and usualy ur very quite people will think hmmm otherwise i dont think poeple will judge u for being happier?

 

[DannieCleo]

I am just very quiet in general. i have a "speak when i'm spokem to" type of mentality. Don't get me wrong, i smile, i say hello, i am ridiculously helpful, mostly to over compensate and let people know i am not "mean" "stuck up" "rude" or "unfriendly", but i just feel as though no matter how much i smile and am helpful and just go about doing my job i am still judged in a negative fashion.

When i said i would try to change my behaviour, i meant in terms of going into the staffroom, speaking more, maybe being "friendlier" where appropriate.

Ideally it would be great for staff members to relate/speak to me in the same way they relate/speak to others.

When i first started, no one new i was shy, they may have assumed i was quiet because i was new. I really just felt "not bothered with" but it is a different story with other members of staff who have started after me. why couldn't they have treated me in the same way? i would not be in this postion now as i tend to e better once i am comfortable with people

Fair enough, i was replacing someone on materity leave, but i have been permanant for a while now and i have been there long enough for them to know that i am not any of the things they may have first thought of me.

It seems its just the ethos of the place to have someone to bitch about and unfortunatly it is sometimes me, although none of them know enough about me to be really saying anything anyway!!

>sigh<

ps marie have you eer "suffered" from or know anyone with SA, because some of your posts seem to show a lack of understanding for what it is like to actually live with it.

 

[DannieCleo]

pinker i've worked in schools as a volunteer and as a student teacher and everyone i spoke to reported the same thing. i think schools are just clique-ish environments anyway (must rub off from the kids lol)

But i figured as a now full -time permanent member of staff i would be "immune" from all that now. Guess i was wrong

don't think its necessarily "gender" specific though. the men in our school aren't treated any differently.

(i'm female btw, in case that wasn't clear lol)

 

[Day_Tripper]

(i'm female btw, in case that wasn't clear lol)

Oh, I always thought that was you in your pic.

 

[Marie_knowsbest]

oh im tired wtth this. i litteraly said people wouldnt judge you for changing? eg from someone without SA's point of view. you know someone without SA like your work colleueges...so id probs know if people would find it wierd or not? was i rude to you? no. did i judge you at all in what i wrote. no.

so if your rude like your have just been to me for being nice to you just then. wel thats your answer to why ur struggling.

 

[Marie_knowsbest]

ps. im training as a psychologist.........wot do you think?
dont confuse my mannerism with my intellligance, nor assume my proffessionalism is the same as my mannerism.
because im dyslexic and cant spell also doesnt make my knowledge any less valid.
so bollox to ya, talk about everyone else being judgemental ay :s

 

[VioletTears]

Yep, I work in a preschool and I have noticed that schools and child care centers in general tend to be that way... Which is why I'm not quiting my job. That's what my training is in and I think anywhere I go to teach I'll run into the same thing. It sucks though. I think that if you really believe you CAN change it might make sense to switch jobs though and give yourself a fresh start. I personally don't see myself changing that quickly or easily, though.

 

[DannieCleo]

Yep, I work in a preschool and I have noticed that schools and child care centers in general tend to be that way... Which is why I'm not quiting my job. That's what my training is in and I think anywhere I go to teach I'll run into the same thing. It sucks though. I think that if you really believe you CAN change it might make sense to switch jobs though and give yourself a fresh start. I personally don't see myself changing that quickly or easily, though.

I did think about changing jobs, but apart from the few gossipy staff, i do like the school, and though i can't really say i have anyone to call a "friend" i do get on with most colleagues. To get a new job means to start again from scratch. plus i have my pgce (lack of confidance stopped me from teaching) and the head at this school says anytime i want to apply for a teaching post to just say the word.

although i do kinda feel "on the shelf" in terms of not having any friends there and feeling isolated, i do like the school and i do like the kids (well, most of them anyway lol) so in a weird kind of way this school feels like a "fit".

Plus its just a 10 minute walk from where i live. no ridiculously early mornings or battling public transport lol

 

[DannieCleo]

(i'm female btw, in case that wasn't clear lol)

Oh, I always thought that was you in your pic.

lol no thats Anthony "Krayzie Bone" Henderson from the group B.O.N.E: Thugs-n-harmony. And he doesn't know it yet, but the future Mr. Cleo lol

 

[DannieCleo]

oh im tired wtth this. i litteraly said people wouldnt judge you for changing? eg from someone without SA's point of view. you know someone without SA like your work colleueges...so id probs know if people would find it wierd or not? was i rude to you? no. did i judge you at all in what i wrote. no.

so if your rude like your have just been to me for being nice to you just then. wel thats your answer to why ur struggling.

Dear me, Marie. I have just re-read my post to your first response and i really cannot see in what way i was rude. Nor did i at any point accuse you of being judgemental.

If anything, my post was to clarify my feelings. The only part specifically addressed to you was when i asked if you had SA or knew anyone with it.

Believe it or not, i actually read some posts/threads before i joined, and once i joined i didn't merely stick to only reading my own posts. I wanted to get a feel for the place and the people.

So yes, some of those posts/threads were yours and from them i formed the impression that you either didn't have SA or know anyone with it. As i did not want to make this judgement, i asked you directly. And now i am accused of being rude for that?

Also, i am far from being rude to people who are nice to me. If anythng i am actually nice to people who are rude to me. I abhor negativity and confrontation, particularly as, in this instance, it is purely arbitary.

But in case i am misguided, i would appreciate it if you would show me the part of my first response to you where i was "rude".

If anything, my struggle comes from people misunderstanding my personality type, as you have clearly just done.

Thank you.

 

[DannieCleo]

ps. im training as a psychologist.........wot do you think?
dont confuse my mannerism with my intellligance, nor assume my proffessionalism is the same as my mannerism.
because im dyslexic and cant spell also doesnt make my knowledge any less valid.
so bollox to ya, talk about everyone else being judgemental ay :s

Marie, I will address your "points" one by one.

first of all might i suggest that if you ARE training as a psychologist as you say, that you aquire something called empathy as i believe it is one of those personal traits you must have for this difficult proffession. I am not sure if it is something you can "learn" or should possess naturally. But i have not seen very much of it from you.

At what point did i say or imply or assume anything about your intelligence? If anything, you are the one not portraying yourself in a particularly good light right now. Also, you really need to change your "mannerisms" before they begin to affect your "proffesionalism" because i would hate to think that you would have the same manner with your future patients that you show to people on this board. Like i stated in my previous post, empathy is the watch word my dear.

Also, i am a qualified teacher and a HLTA. What kind of "proffesional" would i be if i judged someone as being less intelligent because they have a learning difficulty?

If anything, i should think your fear of being judged as less intelligent for this would make you more sympathetic to our (as in SA sufferers) plight because we often feel misjudged in the same way. Also, i in no way was aware of any bad spelling on your part. If anything i mistook them for simple typos, which is something i myself am guilty of due to long nails and typing too fast lol And i am someone who should "know better". I often have to edit my posts for clarity as i make so many.

As for "bollox to me". Wow, you really know how to show yourself up. So much for you being a nice, kind psychologist in training.

If us SA and AvPD sufferers are as abhorront to you as your posts would have us believe, why do you continue to frequent a site full of them?

If anything, you make people feel worse about their position if we are to assume that all non sa sufferers are as judgmental, rude and downright nasty as you. Luckily i have sense to know that is not the case. But their are people on this site younger and more vulnerable than i am. For many of them who also may be agoraphobic this site and others like it are their portal to the outside world. And they come here and encounter you.

And believe me, this "condition" goes alot deeper than a simple aversion to just speaking to people or making small talk, as you see to believe. Which is why i said at the end of my first response to you if you have sa or know anyone with it, because you seem to lack an understanding of what it is actually like to LIVE with it.

Thank you for answering that question, albeit indirectly.

I have spoken with quite a few SA sufferes who either forgo counselling or choose not to open up as they feel that their counsellor may not fully understand or take their condition seriously, or diagose it as something else I can see you would be just such a type, if indeed you ARE training as a psychologist.

It would seem you are defensive about being misinterpretted and misjudged. This in turn makes you feel frustrated and angry. And you feel you just can't catch a break no matter what you do/say.

Welcome to our world. If you choose to take heed of this, you have just taken a small step toward aquiring that much needed empathy.

But i don't know why i botherd to "break it down" for you, as you actually interpretted my first response to you as being rude when it was nothing of the sort. Seems to me your problem is not dyslexia, but a lack of actually understanding what people are saying.

 

[CK23]

I have the same problem that you have... i work in a consultancy firm and i am always struggling to be normal and friendly with my co-workers... Though, on a positive note i feel like a new man today... the only reason for that is the talk i had with one of my senior colleagues yesterday when she told me you should treat other people like a puppy running to it's master when he arrives home... i have that thought planted inside my head since yesterday... I know people are skeptical but this is the best way to act... super friendly!! ... It wont come to you at once but you have to keep at it everyday... eventually one day you will get rid of this SA monster for good... CHEERS!

 

[DannieCleo]

I have the same problem that you have... i work in a consultancy firm and i am always struggling to be normal and friendly with my co-workers... Though, on a positive note i feel like a new man today... the only reason for that is the talk i had with one of my senior colleagues yesterday when she told me you should treat other people like a puppy running to it's master when he arrives home... i have that thought planted inside my head since yesterday... I know people are skeptical but this is the best way to act... super friendly!! ... It wont come to you at once but you have to keep at it everyday... eventually one day you will get rid of this SA monster for good... CHEERS!

I think that would be easier to do if i were starting somewhere new where nobody knew how i already was.

My "fear" about doing it your way is that i would come off as insincere, which is basically at the crux of why i am wary about changing - though i wouldn't necessarily be changing in my mind, i would just be showing more of my true personality. But others may perceive me as changing and then wonder why. And then gossip, gossip, gossip lol

I know what i am about to say will sound totally "backwards", but i think i would rather people think i was just unfriendly, as opposed to insincere or "fake".

I suppose if it were within my natural personality to be overly gregarious then it would be easier to do. But even without the SA i am a quiet and introverted person.

I think the most i could push myself to do is to go into the staffroom first thing in the morning (thats when its most "intimidating" because most stuff are in there then) and just say a generral good morning. But then my worry is that i will be ignored, which will make me sorry i bothered and discourage me from trying it again.

I know it will take perseverance on my part, but with the AvPD i also have, the "rejection" perserverance would entail makes it difficult.

 

[Locco1988]

Ive learned to be defensive when talking on this site, because it is a very judgemental place. so i thought i would get the usual stuff that people throw at me out of way.
Although your response may not of been what i interpreted it to be, i did see a readyiness dismiss what i am saying because maybe i dont have SA and i have met a few, wether they know they are or not, ive worked a few jobs and met alot of people in my short time. Wether i have SA or no anyone with SA is completely unrelevant. because like i said, your orignial post merely asked if people, non SA people, would judge your fo changing, i answered no, i dont see why i would need to have SA or no anyone with SA to answer that, infact people without SA would proberly be the best sample to ask, because people with SA would be bias due to their own fear of judgement. does that make sense?
which is why i found your response abit....rash. but if you didnt mean it like that, then sorry for the bollox to you part lol.

like i said, i think alot of people on here believe that if your doing psychology or your a psychologist you are always going to to be kind, and your always going to be empathic. this is why i said dont confuse my mannerism. just because the way i put things doesnt read like that of a person who is typically kind, doesnt mean i dont have those intentions in mind. i just dont believe in rapping things up in cotton wool just because they sound nicer that way.... if people have negative feelings about themselves, telling them yeh its ok, is morally wrong, because its not ok that people feel crap about themselves.

anyways. this thread isnt about me. its about you. but like i said in the first place, people will not judge you for changing, because all people change, its human nature, and its natural. also people r not that bothered if im blunt. agin thats human nature. the ones who are bothered will be happy for you, if your happy with the change, people arent bastards all the time.

also i think it be wise for you to have some perspective before you make changes to decide what things you have control over, and what things you dont.
for example - you have control to become more confident and educated to get promoted in your job.
you dont how ever have the control to make people want to come and talk to you.
you hav control to make yourself feel better, you dont have the control to make people feel better about you.