idontcarejustletme
New member
Hi everyone. I'm new here. I was googling some of my problems and I found this old thread: http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/do-you-get-embarrassed-easily-4323/page-2/#post52490. I see that it's really old so I thought it might be best if I just start a new thread.
Lately I've have had very bad social anxiety. I had a therapist a few years ago and he seemed to help a lot but I don't go anymore. It's just so expensive and I don't have insurance or anything.
Today I was thinking about all the weird ways that I tend to get embarrassed. I'd be interested in hearing if any of you feel the same way about these things.
Things that embarrass me:
--when going to the grocery store or a drug store I would never get a push cart. I thought it was embarrassing to use a big push cart so I'd always take a hand basket or just hold everything in my hands, which, now that I think about it, sounds a lot more embarrassing looking than pushing a cart. I've gotten over this somewhat.
--I will never use Redbox or any of the other self-service DVD rental kiosks. I think it'd look embarrassing to be seen doing that.
--in middle school gym class we had to run laps around the gym. I could never run without having people right next to me. Like, I couldn't run in a space where there are people well in front and people well behind and I'm in a zone running by myself. I think it'd look weird and embarrassing to be seen doing that.
--when I was younger (around 10-16 years old maybe) I would never show any character while my parents were around. In little league baseball if my parents were in the stands during a game or during a practice I would always feel like I couldn't stand out in any way. It's hard to explain what I mean. Like, I couldn't talk loudly or do something silly looking or really do anything at all because I felt like my parents were always looking at me. I can't even express why I felt like I couldn't "stand out." I just couldn't do stuff when they could possibly see me.
--this one is going sound weirder because of its context. This is something I've thought about on a weekly basis for the past 10 years. I was involved in an academic activity in high school. I had a bit of a reputation for being very good at this activity, like I do well on the national level so a lot of people were familiar with me (obviously not bragging, just setting up the story). Anyway, once there was a freshman who went to a different school who walked up to me and asked for my autograph. That's obviously pretty silly, I wasn't famous or anything, and I suspect he did think I was cool or whatever but I imagine his asking me for my autograph was somewhat facetious).He gave me a pen and a pad and I signed my name. I have shaky hands when I get in situations where I'm nervous. I was holding this pad and was feeling uncomfortable because of his request so my hands started to shake. Rather than giving him back the pad and thus him possibly seeing that my hands are shaking I turned and took a few steps to the right where there was a desk that I laid the pad down on instead of giving it directly back to him.
Whenever I think about this event I feel soooo awkward and embarrassed. I don't know why. I think it's because I made him walk over to the desk to get the pad, like I feel bad about the fact that he had to go out of his way to get this (or something?).
I see in this thread someone said that things like worrying too much about what other people think is a huge part of social anxiety. I go so out of my way to try to help people, even random strangers or anyone else, which sounds like a good thing, I guess. But I feel like I'm not doing this out of selflessness and the desire to help people but I am rather doing this because I want people to think I'm good or nice or helpful or whatever.
One more thing: my biggest battle with anxiety has to do with speaking. Not just public speaking but just saying words when people are around. A huge part of this for me is ordering in restaurants. I cannot do it. I get so nervous and so freaked out. I never agree to go to restaurants with my friends or family because I just can't put up with the ordering. Sometimes of course I have no choice but to go and it's always so terrible.
I used to drink a lot but I haven't had a drink of alcohol for a bit over 2 years now. But back when I was drinking I had to go out to eat with my family because it was a special occasion. I got so drunk before I went because I knew if I wasn't I wouldn't be able to order without making a fool of myself (liquid courage, basically). I ended up drinking way too much and I just made an ass out of myself at the restaurant in front of my parents and brother and his wife. Everyone knew I was drunk but I blamed it on not having slept in the last 2 days. My dad insisted he drive me home that night.
By the way, the activity that I was really good at was entirely about public speaking. I never used to get nervous while speaking publicly. I've given speeches to crowds before and I used to thrive on that. Now sometimes I literally cannot get the words out of my mouth when I'm trying to order a sandwich from Subway. How did this happen?
This is seriously ruining my life and I don't know what to do other than pay for more therapy that I can't really afford now.
I know this is so illogical and irrational. I'd like to think I have a good grasp on logic so it confuses me why I can't logic my way out of social awkwardness.
Lately I've have had very bad social anxiety. I had a therapist a few years ago and he seemed to help a lot but I don't go anymore. It's just so expensive and I don't have insurance or anything.
Today I was thinking about all the weird ways that I tend to get embarrassed. I'd be interested in hearing if any of you feel the same way about these things.
Things that embarrass me:
--when going to the grocery store or a drug store I would never get a push cart. I thought it was embarrassing to use a big push cart so I'd always take a hand basket or just hold everything in my hands, which, now that I think about it, sounds a lot more embarrassing looking than pushing a cart. I've gotten over this somewhat.
--I will never use Redbox or any of the other self-service DVD rental kiosks. I think it'd look embarrassing to be seen doing that.
--in middle school gym class we had to run laps around the gym. I could never run without having people right next to me. Like, I couldn't run in a space where there are people well in front and people well behind and I'm in a zone running by myself. I think it'd look weird and embarrassing to be seen doing that.
--when I was younger (around 10-16 years old maybe) I would never show any character while my parents were around. In little league baseball if my parents were in the stands during a game or during a practice I would always feel like I couldn't stand out in any way. It's hard to explain what I mean. Like, I couldn't talk loudly or do something silly looking or really do anything at all because I felt like my parents were always looking at me. I can't even express why I felt like I couldn't "stand out." I just couldn't do stuff when they could possibly see me.
--this one is going sound weirder because of its context. This is something I've thought about on a weekly basis for the past 10 years. I was involved in an academic activity in high school. I had a bit of a reputation for being very good at this activity, like I do well on the national level so a lot of people were familiar with me (obviously not bragging, just setting up the story). Anyway, once there was a freshman who went to a different school who walked up to me and asked for my autograph. That's obviously pretty silly, I wasn't famous or anything, and I suspect he did think I was cool or whatever but I imagine his asking me for my autograph was somewhat facetious).He gave me a pen and a pad and I signed my name. I have shaky hands when I get in situations where I'm nervous. I was holding this pad and was feeling uncomfortable because of his request so my hands started to shake. Rather than giving him back the pad and thus him possibly seeing that my hands are shaking I turned and took a few steps to the right where there was a desk that I laid the pad down on instead of giving it directly back to him.
Whenever I think about this event I feel soooo awkward and embarrassed. I don't know why. I think it's because I made him walk over to the desk to get the pad, like I feel bad about the fact that he had to go out of his way to get this (or something?).
I see in this thread someone said that things like worrying too much about what other people think is a huge part of social anxiety. I go so out of my way to try to help people, even random strangers or anyone else, which sounds like a good thing, I guess. But I feel like I'm not doing this out of selflessness and the desire to help people but I am rather doing this because I want people to think I'm good or nice or helpful or whatever.
One more thing: my biggest battle with anxiety has to do with speaking. Not just public speaking but just saying words when people are around. A huge part of this for me is ordering in restaurants. I cannot do it. I get so nervous and so freaked out. I never agree to go to restaurants with my friends or family because I just can't put up with the ordering. Sometimes of course I have no choice but to go and it's always so terrible.
I used to drink a lot but I haven't had a drink of alcohol for a bit over 2 years now. But back when I was drinking I had to go out to eat with my family because it was a special occasion. I got so drunk before I went because I knew if I wasn't I wouldn't be able to order without making a fool of myself (liquid courage, basically). I ended up drinking way too much and I just made an ass out of myself at the restaurant in front of my parents and brother and his wife. Everyone knew I was drunk but I blamed it on not having slept in the last 2 days. My dad insisted he drive me home that night.
By the way, the activity that I was really good at was entirely about public speaking. I never used to get nervous while speaking publicly. I've given speeches to crowds before and I used to thrive on that. Now sometimes I literally cannot get the words out of my mouth when I'm trying to order a sandwich from Subway. How did this happen?
This is seriously ruining my life and I don't know what to do other than pay for more therapy that I can't really afford now.
I know this is so illogical and irrational. I'd like to think I have a good grasp on logic so it confuses me why I can't logic my way out of social awkwardness.