Being bitter

[Jonas]

In Sweden where I live, Social Phobia and AvPD are seen as closely related but different in severity; where AvPD makes a person afraid of most social situations, Social Phobia is often more limited, encompassing specific social situations. I don't know if that view differs much from the psychological view in North America or Great Britain, but I just wanted to present that perspective since I've read so many posts where people have been diagnosed (by themselves or by doctors) as suffering from AvPD while there are almost no posts where the person is "just" a social phobic.
Personally, I can't make my mind about what I'm suffering from. Is it a severe case of social phobia or am I a full-fledged Avoidant personality. I've always been shy and a bit nervous, but like many others is hasn't troubled me. There's been no shortage of friends in my life, though both as a kid and as a grown-up (I'm 21) I spend a lot of time alone. The problems started at my senior year in High School. I was recovering from a severe depression and had just started to enjoy the company of friends and the theater work we did in school and in our free time, so it felt like I was getting my personality back, after all the despair and suicidal thoughts. My spirits were up most days. But I also had developed a new mood. On some days I would just feel very bitter and insecure, my thoughts centered around my own ineptitude together with cynic thoughts about other people. On those days I'd go home to the flat I was living in back then, turn off my phone, sit and read for hours, watch television or sleep. The next morning the bitterness would be gone, I felt positive again. This didn't bother me too much, everybody has moodswings, but since a couple of months back I've settled in an almost constant low. It's not depression, I don't feel sad or anxious, I just feel nothing, detached, on stand-by. Nothing really matters and so most days I do nothing. I can't help but trace these feelings to AvPD symptoms, you know, "the AvPD has the real self in hiding". Still, I can't remember any early pain or trauma that can have off-set such a reaction. Maybe I'm just acting blind, maybe it doesn't take much for a person who is fragile genetically to develop a mental disorder. I don't remember my parents being uncaring, they never said "I love you" either, but that's just not a custom in the same way here. I have friends who have worse parents and relations than I do and they're very confident people. Maybe I'm just being stupid. The reason I'm writing all this is to see if anyone else feels bitter, cynic, uncaring or cold and traces that to their mental disorder?
I don't understand why I don't want to meet with my friends, why I despise myself and dislike others? Why I'm always coming up with excuses for being alone. And when I'm alone, why I can't do anything, why I feel so detached and can't decide what I want to do with my life. The worst thing is I'm afraid to see my closest friends. I know I'm not alone but I would be very grateful to hear your reflections and your stories.

 

[flake__]

hey jonas, sorry to hear of your predicament....well i'm just another person so don't take what i say in stone! But sounds to me like you developed depression, then as you were coming out of it for some reason developed social phobia. You're afraid of people, you want to spend time alone, then when you are alone you're not satisfied because it's not what you actually want, it's the fear driving you. It's common to have cynical thoughts about people, as a result of your fear...you come to hate social situations and interacting with people so your brain comes up with excuses why..eg people are shallow, small talk is pointless and shallow etc. Does that sound right?

As for social phobia and avoidant personality...does it matter? You're social phobic. Avoidant personality is just strong social phobia to me (and think it was proven in latest research)...so you've got it stronger, but you've still got a 'phobia' at the end of the day...i don't think they should use a different name because knowing it is a 'phobia' allows you to understand it and try and figure ways to get out of it.

hope this helps!

 

[recluse]

I'm deffinately a bitter person. I'm bitter because my social phobia has stopped me from having a normal life. I see people my age who have exciting fun filled lives, and i hate them! I get thoughts of hatred against people because i am so jealous that they are happy and are loved. On facebook i look at people who were in school and college with me and they have friends, girlfriends....Fullfilling lives.

 

[steviegerrard489]

I'm deffinately a bitter person. I'm bitter because my social phobia has stopped me from having a normal life. I see people my age who have exciting fun filled lives, and i hate them! I get thoughts of hatred against people because i am so jealous that they are happy and are loved. On facebook i look at people who were in school and college with me and they have friends, girlfriends....Fullfilling lives.

I feel exactly the same...how many 'friends' do you have on facebook? I have 83!!! What a joke though. Some I have not seen for 12 years. Only about 10 have actually interacted with me on the site...

Some are doing well and for others it's difficult to tell.

 

[Jonas]

Hey Flake: You're absolutely right. I do look to justify being alone, although in the back of my head I know I'm only lying to myself. Loneliness is so frustrating and yet my anticipations of impending "disasters" if and when I meet with people prevents me from solving the frustrations. Instead I delve further into isolation.
About the distinction between having AvPD and social phobia: it doesn't matter, not the least. I have a problem and I know it, doesn't matter what it's called, as long as it is recognised by someone. And to set the facts straight: Swedish psychiatric care uses many of the same definitions found in the DSM-IV (I think it's called) that is also used in the USA and I think Great Britain. I was just looking for something more objective to grade my illness on: am I just a social phobic or a raving mad avoidant? But that's stupid.
What I was really looking for were further reflections on bitterness and social phobia. Not reveling in envy and self-pity, but trying to explain how it feels, what the causes may be, how it functions. I've been thinking in the same terms as you Flake. But it's not just other people who are shallow, I'm shallow and stupid as well. And small talk isn't useless, small talk is a faint reminder of the pleasures and possibilities inherent in social contact. That's not what frightens me. What frighens me is responsibility, and how I'm a terrible person for being resigned to this irrational fear. But maybe this doesn't matter either. Maybe the bottom line is that my contempt and disgust are results of me trying to satiarise my very human needs with banal and useless stimula.
Sorry for the high-flung tone. I just jotted away. Thanks for your comments. Feel free to write more.

 

[SocialRetahd]

I'm bitter because I blatantly suffered a concussion in my senior year and I didn't tell because I knew a girl would be involved in the situation. I have or had such a strong fear of girls that I let this injustice take place and I also prevented a suit where I would of made out with a lot of CASH.

:evil: :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil:

I probably would have gathered a hundred grand or more.

For the past 5 years I have had no motivation, no progress, and no life.

 

[flake__]

Hey Flake: You're absolutely right. I do look to justify being alone, although in the back of my head I know I'm only lying to myself. Loneliness is so frustrating and yet my anticipations of impending "disasters" if and when I meet with people prevents me from solving the frustrations. Instead I delve further into isolation.
About the distinction between having AvPD and social phobia: it doesn't matter, not the least. I have a problem and I know it, doesn't matter what it's called, as long as it is recognised by someone. And to set the facts straight: Swedish psychiatric care uses many of the same definitions found in the DSM-IV (I think it's called) that is also used in the USA and I think Great Britain. I was just looking for something more objective to grade my illness on: am I just a social phobic or a raving mad avoidant? But that's stupid.
What I was really looking for were further reflections on bitterness and social phobia. Not reveling in envy and self-pity, but trying to explain how it feels, what the causes may be, how it functions. I've been thinking in the same terms as you Flake. But it's not just other people who are shallow, I'm shallow and stupid as well. And small talk isn't useless, small talk is a faint reminder of the pleasures and possibilities inherent in social contact. That's not what frightens me. What frighens me is responsibility, and how I'm a terrible person for being resigned to this irrational fear. But maybe this doesn't matter either. Maybe the bottom line is that my contempt and disgust are results of me trying to satiarise my very human needs with banal and useless stimula.
Sorry for the high-flung tone. I just jotted away. Thanks for your comments. Feel free to write more.

Glad it helped! What exactly do you mean by responsibility? Do you mean you feel the responsibility to be social to family/friends etc, but you can't, and that's why you feel bad?

 

[Jonas]

Yes, Flake, it helped to clarify my problem. "Sometimes you need to hear it from someone else" is the truth of the day.
What I'm afraid of is the responsibility I have for my own life, and pretty much everything that entails. I don't believe I can accomplish anything, I can't keep a relationship going, can't get a job, can't keep a job, all those things. I'm generally pretty good with friends and relatives, as long as things don't get too intimate, when talk of feelings come up I turn stone cold. I've had a very hard time with a friend who has had a post-traumatic depression through most of her childhood and adult life and when my social phobia/AvPD worsened this summer I started avoiding her altogether. I didn't come by or call for about two weeks, until she finally came to talk to me. Why did I do this? I was disgusted by all our negative emotions, both her and my own, and I just wanted to block all that out. In my loneliness I was often afraid that she would cut or hurt herself, but somehow I could just evade any feelings of guilt, I separated myself from any and all deeper emotions. I didn't want to be responsible, but in effect of course my abscense caused her a lot of grief and confusion. I feel like such a coward.
Whenever I meet her now I make sure I have some excuse so I don't have to stay for long, so we won't talk of intimate things. So, of course, spending time with me is a dreadful bore, and my fears are effectively draining my life of substance. I don't with that explained anything to you, I always trail off when writing about my problems.

 

[flake__]

i always have problems wen convos get intimate don't worry! think this is an SP thing.

to me it seems like you are just describing typical SP traits, but you are beating yourself up an awful lot about them. Infact u say you're pretty good with friends and relatives which is better than most of us in here so you are in a much better position .

I've always had a recent experience with pulling away from someone when they most needed help, rather not go into the details, but yeh, i too felt exactly the same way disgusted by the negative emotions?! It's like, i have SP so i can't take someone else being down aswell; also like how can i help them, i have no happy words to offer i am miserable and useless!! then u pull away and feel cold and heartless.

again it's just an SP thing. you having SP is not your fault. you need to separate you and the SP and realise some stuff you do is cos of your SP not your personality! you obviously care for the friend and feel terrible for what you did, it was just the SP that made you avoid her. So stop beating yourself up beat the SP up instead!

 

[TAMPA-BAY]

Being better

I'm bitter because I blatantly suffered a concussion in my senior year and I didn't tell because I knew a girl would be involved in the situation. I have or had such a strong fear of girls

Did you just say that you have issues with females?