hardy
Well-known member
This is just a part of the article i found useful.
how powerful the experience of praise and
blame can be! We can hunger for compliments or a little crumb of
approval now and then, ‘Well, you’re not so bad.’ Then you can feel
jealous if somebody else is getting huge amounts of it, and you are
standing by the door, hardly noticed.
As for blame, how we wriggle and contort to try to avoid it! We
aspire to being liked, and we work at it, but still somebody doesn’t
like us. Or maybe we blame ourselves. So we try to do what’s right
and fair, yet somebody misunderstands or is offended, and we get
blamed. We are careful to be polite: ‘I must remember she’s a little
sensitive about that. I mustn’t forget this, in case I get blamed. I
want to make sure that I understand everyone’s perspectives and
that everyone agrees on this point.’ Doing this can make you so
nervous that you slip up ... then the blame hits you, ‘You’re an
insensitive, callous pig. How could you say that?’ Then you’re
writhing on the point of the arrow of suffering.
The Buddha made a very helpful summary of blame: ‘They blame
one who remains silent, they blame one who speaks much, they blame one
who speaks in moderation. There is no one in this world who is not blamed’
(Dhp. 227). That applied to him, too, for the Buddha was blamed
many times. So when we know it’s inevitable we can just focus on
doing our best, all the time keeping our wisdom-ear cocked for
the mind’s yearning for approval and its dread of disapproval.
Once the mind starts to even anticipate being blamed, a flurry
enters into it. And when the blaming begins ... our mind may try
to come up with a rational explanation for whatever it was we’re
being blamed for. Or maybe we try apologizing. Or we retort,
‘You’re just as bad.’ We flounder in these ways, rather than simply
feeling where the blame is digging in and then drawing a line
around it: ‘This is painful mental feeling.’ It’s a trigger, so we need
to be extremely patient with that feeling. Patience can’t just be
idealized; it has to be learned by feeling a painful feeling and no
longer reacting. It’s a humbling lesson: to feel the pain, be patient
with it and learn something about letting it pass through.
With fame and praise, the sting is manipulativeness, intoxication
and self-inflation. People do deals or compromise their integrity
in order to be winners: athletes cheat at games, or people try to fix
their bodies with obsessive dieting or cosmetic surgery. All this
suffering and loss of dignity for the glow of attention! And how
long is a fame or praise addict satisfied before wanting another
hit? If you crave that rush of positive attention, get it, feed and
rely on it — you inflate and crash. On the other hand if you hang
on to blame, become a victim and make a self out of it — you bury
your heart in despair. And if you try to avoid these, you’ll be
running forever.
So can you focus simply on the impression in the heart and not
shrug it off, not fight back, not go under? An impression is an
impression. Don’t rely on it, don’t adopt it, don’t try to avoid it.
Instead, understand it for what it is. Then you can see the truth119
about someone blaming you. Have you made a mistake? Is there
something you can learn from this? And you can see the truth
about someone praising you. How much good will fame do for you?
Doesn’t it deprive you of privacy? And that surge that you feel
from gain ... doesn't it make you vulnerable to loss? These winds
are there to teach you patience. Even your neediness and despair
aren’t reliable, so be patient; focus on how patience feels and value
it. Then you can acknowledge specific mistakes you’ve made
without taking on the sense of being a failure. And you can
experience others’ gratitude or praise with a sense of gladness that
they have received something of benefit. You don’t have to own it.
source: http://www.amaravati.org/downloads/pdf/Parami.pdf
how powerful the experience of praise and
blame can be! We can hunger for compliments or a little crumb of
approval now and then, ‘Well, you’re not so bad.’ Then you can feel
jealous if somebody else is getting huge amounts of it, and you are
standing by the door, hardly noticed.
As for blame, how we wriggle and contort to try to avoid it! We
aspire to being liked, and we work at it, but still somebody doesn’t
like us. Or maybe we blame ourselves. So we try to do what’s right
and fair, yet somebody misunderstands or is offended, and we get
blamed. We are careful to be polite: ‘I must remember she’s a little
sensitive about that. I mustn’t forget this, in case I get blamed. I
want to make sure that I understand everyone’s perspectives and
that everyone agrees on this point.’ Doing this can make you so
nervous that you slip up ... then the blame hits you, ‘You’re an
insensitive, callous pig. How could you say that?’ Then you’re
writhing on the point of the arrow of suffering.
The Buddha made a very helpful summary of blame: ‘They blame
one who remains silent, they blame one who speaks much, they blame one
who speaks in moderation. There is no one in this world who is not blamed’
(Dhp. 227). That applied to him, too, for the Buddha was blamed
many times. So when we know it’s inevitable we can just focus on
doing our best, all the time keeping our wisdom-ear cocked for
the mind’s yearning for approval and its dread of disapproval.
Once the mind starts to even anticipate being blamed, a flurry
enters into it. And when the blaming begins ... our mind may try
to come up with a rational explanation for whatever it was we’re
being blamed for. Or maybe we try apologizing. Or we retort,
‘You’re just as bad.’ We flounder in these ways, rather than simply
feeling where the blame is digging in and then drawing a line
around it: ‘This is painful mental feeling.’ It’s a trigger, so we need
to be extremely patient with that feeling. Patience can’t just be
idealized; it has to be learned by feeling a painful feeling and no
longer reacting. It’s a humbling lesson: to feel the pain, be patient
with it and learn something about letting it pass through.
With fame and praise, the sting is manipulativeness, intoxication
and self-inflation. People do deals or compromise their integrity
in order to be winners: athletes cheat at games, or people try to fix
their bodies with obsessive dieting or cosmetic surgery. All this
suffering and loss of dignity for the glow of attention! And how
long is a fame or praise addict satisfied before wanting another
hit? If you crave that rush of positive attention, get it, feed and
rely on it — you inflate and crash. On the other hand if you hang
on to blame, become a victim and make a self out of it — you bury
your heart in despair. And if you try to avoid these, you’ll be
running forever.
So can you focus simply on the impression in the heart and not
shrug it off, not fight back, not go under? An impression is an
impression. Don’t rely on it, don’t adopt it, don’t try to avoid it.
Instead, understand it for what it is. Then you can see the truth119
about someone blaming you. Have you made a mistake? Is there
something you can learn from this? And you can see the truth
about someone praising you. How much good will fame do for you?
Doesn’t it deprive you of privacy? And that surge that you feel
from gain ... doesn't it make you vulnerable to loss? These winds
are there to teach you patience. Even your neediness and despair
aren’t reliable, so be patient; focus on how patience feels and value
it. Then you can acknowledge specific mistakes you’ve made
without taking on the sense of being a failure. And you can
experience others’ gratitude or praise with a sense of gladness that
they have received something of benefit. You don’t have to own it.
source: http://www.amaravati.org/downloads/pdf/Parami.pdf