Lately I've been thinking that my avoidance is just as much (or more) about avoiding emotions than it is about people and relationships- or that perhaps avoiding people is just a side effect of not being able to handle emotions. I get easily overwhelmed- and it may just be part of depression, but in actuality right now I'm not feeling all that depressed... just wanting to do something but not knowing where to start. But it's not just situations, interactions, and responsibilities that overwhelm me, it's feeling. I avoid exposure to things that make me sad or upset, and I've trained myself to not even feel anger (or at least only in certain rare circumstances). Even good/positive emotions feel like "too much," or maybe it's just that I know they're not going to last, or perhaps that I don't deserve to be feeling them.
I've had few friends, and I've never initiated interactions with people- even thinking about the effort of getting to know someone, or the "drama" that seems to come out of dealing with people on an interpersonal level makes me sick to my stomach. I've had two serious romantic relationships in my life- the first where I attached myself to a guy that I wasn't attracted to, and didn't even like all that much once I got to know him. But I think it felt "safe," because not being emotionally attached meant that I wasn't hurt if/when things ended. When he confessed to me that he had cheated on me, I was sitting there thinking that I should feel upset, jealous, angry, etc., but I felt nothing. I stayed in the relationship a while longer because we had kids, and I think all along I was actually hoping that he would call an end to it, but I eventually had to call it quits because I was so miserable and I thought I would go insane if I had to spend another minute living with him- partly because he had issues that made him overemotional and I couldn't even wrap my head around it, and my brain shut down whenever he would bring up his issues in conversation. The second, I ran away from even though things seemed to be going well... I'm still not even completely sure why.
I think I easily get overloaded when things get even slightly "emotional." I shut down and/or run away. My brain just won't even let me try to deal with it.
I'm wondering if there are other avoidants here that feel the same way- is avoidance about people or emotions (or both)? Or am I way off in thinking this way?
I've had few friends, and I've never initiated interactions with people- even thinking about the effort of getting to know someone, or the "drama" that seems to come out of dealing with people on an interpersonal level makes me sick to my stomach. I've had two serious romantic relationships in my life- the first where I attached myself to a guy that I wasn't attracted to, and didn't even like all that much once I got to know him. But I think it felt "safe," because not being emotionally attached meant that I wasn't hurt if/when things ended. When he confessed to me that he had cheated on me, I was sitting there thinking that I should feel upset, jealous, angry, etc., but I felt nothing. I stayed in the relationship a while longer because we had kids, and I think all along I was actually hoping that he would call an end to it, but I eventually had to call it quits because I was so miserable and I thought I would go insane if I had to spend another minute living with him- partly because he had issues that made him overemotional and I couldn't even wrap my head around it, and my brain shut down whenever he would bring up his issues in conversation. The second, I ran away from even though things seemed to be going well... I'm still not even completely sure why.
I think I easily get overloaded when things get even slightly "emotional." I shut down and/or run away. My brain just won't even let me try to deal with it.
I'm wondering if there are other avoidants here that feel the same way- is avoidance about people or emotions (or both)? Or am I way off in thinking this way?