myclevernickname
New member
This is a long rant so bear with me if you want, or don't, but I wanted to share my story. I had suffered (and I mean SUFFERED) for years but now I am living, truly living. I am 27. I only recently discovered that I have this disorder... or at least I had it in the past. I can now say that I have some real friends, have a good love relationship, am capable of working with the public, etc. There is still that part of me that avoids things at times, that gets shy, but it is not ruining my life anymore. How I wish the internet and forums like this had been available to me when I was a teen! I suffered so much in silence. Though at the time I was barely aware I was depressed, let alone that there was a disorder causing it. If I could have connected with others and known I was not alone, how much faster I may have gotten better. To think, all these teens going through the same lonliness, if only we'd found eachother. Ah well, there is no point in wasting more of my time on regret.
I wanted to post on here because to read your posts brings back all those painful years of isolation and I just want to tell those of you who are suffering that you will not be like this forever! It may seem like an impossible battle but you can change. If I can anybody can.
When I was a teen I was so shy, withdrawn, such poor self esteem. Junior high is such a cruel time to be shy because those who are not shy will eat you alive, only reinforcing your low self esteem. I was such a loner.. and full of supressed anger. Anger at the stupid kids at school who seemed so blissfully happy, anger at those I thought were better than me, envying them to be so lucky compared to me. Now that I am older and wiser I can realise how pathetic those people are who mocked me or tried to make me embarassed. How insecure they must have really been to feel the need to control others in order to feel less powerless. But at the time it hurt me deeply and I believed their lies.
I spent much of my time alone, escaping into books and watching tv and movies with my family. being religious they made me come to church and so I did end up having a few "friends" of some sort through that but I ended up hiding my real personality just to keep them in my life. I was so afraid they'd discover something about me to dislike and I would have no friends. So I tried to be whoever I thought they would want, with no real opinions or tastes other than theirs. In the end, I didn't even like them that much, but they were all I had. Over time I lost them because I realised I preferred to be alone to being with people I didn't like who didn't know me.
It is hard to say exactly how I changed over the years. It was a process.I will try to remember what I can in the hope that something may help someone else. I remember going to a Christian concert as a teen that was actually pretty rockin and I loved dancing alone in my room but never did it in front of others until that day, when I just decided, I don't give a shit. I was watching some others dance and they were dancing really, well... badly. Kinda geeky. But you know what? I realised that I didn't think any less of them to be dancing "badly". I almost admired their fearlessness.I did NOT think: Oh, I would never be friends with someone like that. Which made me think, you know, others probably can see this wihtout judging as well. So I just moved and danced. And it was fun. And nobody mocked me. They were too busy dancing as well. But before that my head would have been full of thoughts that I would look stupid, that people, even if they said nothing, would avoid me if I danced badly as I imagined I would.
In senior high I became friends with the new girl in school. She was my first friend that was interested in similar things to me, so I could be alittle bit more myself. We met because I was partnered with her in class (being the only who didn't immediately chose a partner and always ended up last and paired up by the teacher). She didn't fit in either, being the only black girl in school, and from the states as well (I'm in Canada). She made the initiatives towards hanging out after school, if only because I was nice to her and she had no friends yet. I began to get less quiet and shy with her over time, happy to have a friend again. we bonded over dance music and discovered the rave scene. I know it sounds bad but I think that scene helped start my process. seeing people who were more "vulnerable" while on drugs made me see that all these people who seemed so confident and "better" than me (in my mind) also had anxieties, insecurities, etc. which they weren't afraid to admit while high. They just managed to not let them control them. Doing drugs helped me to be more myself, and then I saw that some people were friendly to me as myself, not all were mocking me as I thought they would. I am not saying you should all do drugs or something. this is just my story. drugs could be a really bad thing for some people. You could lose your inhibitions and feel really embarassed after, rather than liberated.
in jr. high I was addicted to junk food, trying to fill the emptiness. This will sound silly but I had gotten very cynical and dark in taste as a loner and read lots of gothic stuff, vampire novels and the like, and so started walking in the cemetery of my town out of a fascination as well as avoiding my family. I found it peaceful, and nobody ever bothered you there. I could be alone. This sparked a love of going walking, which in turn got me more active and I started eating better, losing weight, which in turn made me feel less ashamed of my body though it took years to even realise I wasn't fat anymore! I look at photos from that time and think, wow, I didn't look too bad but at the time I though I was a total dog. I definitely recommend working out, the endorphins lift your spirits and give you energy, and the better your body looks and feels the easier it is to talk to people.
as it turns out I went through years of putting up with "friends" who treated me badly because I was so afraid to lose the few I had. I never approached people so I only hung out with those who approached me or just "ended up" with me like the girl in jr. high who was new. But over time I got fed up with that and realised that I had to take the risk of being more myself if I wanted real friends. That being someone I wasn't was hurting me as much as being alone. I was depressed all my teen years cause I was sooooo lonely inside, even when I had people to hang out with. Being slimmer and more active, going to raves, I did have some aquaintances in the later years, but was still too shy to really be myself and would avoid a lot of oppurtunities. I didn't have any relationships or kiss any boys like many others did because I was terrified of making an ass out of myself to boys and couldn't talk to anyone I found attractive.
after high school i got my own place. I didn't keep jobs for long because I was so bad working with people, awkward at things it seemed others did naturally. When I went through a phase where i withdrew, I knew I needed help. I stopped calling people, avoided the phone, caller id all the time. I had saved up a bit of money and ended up spending it all supporting myself without a job. I saw various counsellors and took meds for depression. Someone I knew who had been depressed in the past, she recognised something was up when I didn't return any calls (she knew I "was looking for a job" or that's what I'd told her,and called me about a job) but I couldn't answer. Finally I did reply, when she sounded really concerned, I got up the nerve after several days, called her. and she came over. I realised there were caring people if I could only learn to reach out more. I still couldn't talk about myself to her and pretended nothing was really wrong. but it did spur me on to I find a counsellor. After trying several, I got one who actually helped me. she didn't go over my family and stuff like that, she just worked on my thinking and how my negative thoughts were self fulfilling. She pointed out my good qualities in a very sincere way. Her work was more like cognitive behavioral therapy, which I highly recommend.
If you haven't had help through counselling get another counsellor! i had 4 shitty counsellors before I finally found one that helped. She got me tested by a psychologist who in one 2 hour session said I had avoidant traits, which nobody said before. The rest just told me to take meds for depression.
At this point I managed to get a job where i was on a computer a lot and didn't have to deal with customers in person. I got a computer at home and put up personal ads and posted on forums. I met some people through this and they weren't evil ugly monsters like I'd feared, I made friends because it was easier to be myself over the net and meet people more like me.
As an adult I have been doing pretty well for some years, having jobs and making friends. I still don't have tons of friends, I'm not outgoing, but I can go out to bars and have fun. I have had several boyfriends who found me attractive and funny. I still kick myself sometimes over little things I say or do that embarass me but I realise that everyone does that and ultimately it doesn't matter. I think I had to hit rock bottom several times to realise that going out risking embarassment hurts less than doing nothing. Being alone is the worst feeling I've ever felt, worse than physical pain. The pain of being rejected by a stranger stings but if you keep going you will find the nice people and it will make up for a hundred rejections. It is so hard to be yourself when you are shy but you must take little baby steps. You must force yourself to do what you can. Put yourself inside anothers' shoes and see that the harsh criticisms you put on yourself are so out of proportion to how you would react if you were that person. I have taken what was self-hate in the past and put it into reality - sometimes you should be angry at others not yourself. If someone is just a jerk to you, don't blame yourself, they're just a jerk and not worth your time, and you can feel proud that you aren't pathetic like they are, because you aren't dependent on the pain of others.
I know this has been a long-winded rant but I wanted to ad my story to whoever may read it. I am worlds away from the girl I used to be. People who've met me in the last few years are really surprised when I tell them how painfully shy and withdrawn I was socially. They can't picture it. I still have a dark cynical sense of humour which may have developed from my loner years but now I have friends who share my humour and play along with it. They like it. 10 years ago I couldn't have shared that humour for fear of nobody laughing but now I can. It's just all in good fun. Some people don't get me but these are people who don't really interest me either so I don't let it get to me. The more you learn to talk to people, to express yourself, to get involved, the easier it gets. Start small. If you can't in person, talk online. Then phone, then in person. No need to rush. Don't worry that you've wasted your life, once you are really living you can leave that behind.
I wish for all of you to find your own path out of darkness. Don't ever give up. It isn't easy but once you change you can feel a deep sense of pride that you did it.
Some favourite quotes of mine from Anais Nin:
"There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
"Living never wore one out so much as the effort not to live."
I wanted to post on here because to read your posts brings back all those painful years of isolation and I just want to tell those of you who are suffering that you will not be like this forever! It may seem like an impossible battle but you can change. If I can anybody can.
When I was a teen I was so shy, withdrawn, such poor self esteem. Junior high is such a cruel time to be shy because those who are not shy will eat you alive, only reinforcing your low self esteem. I was such a loner.. and full of supressed anger. Anger at the stupid kids at school who seemed so blissfully happy, anger at those I thought were better than me, envying them to be so lucky compared to me. Now that I am older and wiser I can realise how pathetic those people are who mocked me or tried to make me embarassed. How insecure they must have really been to feel the need to control others in order to feel less powerless. But at the time it hurt me deeply and I believed their lies.
I spent much of my time alone, escaping into books and watching tv and movies with my family. being religious they made me come to church and so I did end up having a few "friends" of some sort through that but I ended up hiding my real personality just to keep them in my life. I was so afraid they'd discover something about me to dislike and I would have no friends. So I tried to be whoever I thought they would want, with no real opinions or tastes other than theirs. In the end, I didn't even like them that much, but they were all I had. Over time I lost them because I realised I preferred to be alone to being with people I didn't like who didn't know me.
It is hard to say exactly how I changed over the years. It was a process.I will try to remember what I can in the hope that something may help someone else. I remember going to a Christian concert as a teen that was actually pretty rockin and I loved dancing alone in my room but never did it in front of others until that day, when I just decided, I don't give a shit. I was watching some others dance and they were dancing really, well... badly. Kinda geeky. But you know what? I realised that I didn't think any less of them to be dancing "badly". I almost admired their fearlessness.I did NOT think: Oh, I would never be friends with someone like that. Which made me think, you know, others probably can see this wihtout judging as well. So I just moved and danced. And it was fun. And nobody mocked me. They were too busy dancing as well. But before that my head would have been full of thoughts that I would look stupid, that people, even if they said nothing, would avoid me if I danced badly as I imagined I would.
In senior high I became friends with the new girl in school. She was my first friend that was interested in similar things to me, so I could be alittle bit more myself. We met because I was partnered with her in class (being the only who didn't immediately chose a partner and always ended up last and paired up by the teacher). She didn't fit in either, being the only black girl in school, and from the states as well (I'm in Canada). She made the initiatives towards hanging out after school, if only because I was nice to her and she had no friends yet. I began to get less quiet and shy with her over time, happy to have a friend again. we bonded over dance music and discovered the rave scene. I know it sounds bad but I think that scene helped start my process. seeing people who were more "vulnerable" while on drugs made me see that all these people who seemed so confident and "better" than me (in my mind) also had anxieties, insecurities, etc. which they weren't afraid to admit while high. They just managed to not let them control them. Doing drugs helped me to be more myself, and then I saw that some people were friendly to me as myself, not all were mocking me as I thought they would. I am not saying you should all do drugs or something. this is just my story. drugs could be a really bad thing for some people. You could lose your inhibitions and feel really embarassed after, rather than liberated.
in jr. high I was addicted to junk food, trying to fill the emptiness. This will sound silly but I had gotten very cynical and dark in taste as a loner and read lots of gothic stuff, vampire novels and the like, and so started walking in the cemetery of my town out of a fascination as well as avoiding my family. I found it peaceful, and nobody ever bothered you there. I could be alone. This sparked a love of going walking, which in turn got me more active and I started eating better, losing weight, which in turn made me feel less ashamed of my body though it took years to even realise I wasn't fat anymore! I look at photos from that time and think, wow, I didn't look too bad but at the time I though I was a total dog. I definitely recommend working out, the endorphins lift your spirits and give you energy, and the better your body looks and feels the easier it is to talk to people.
as it turns out I went through years of putting up with "friends" who treated me badly because I was so afraid to lose the few I had. I never approached people so I only hung out with those who approached me or just "ended up" with me like the girl in jr. high who was new. But over time I got fed up with that and realised that I had to take the risk of being more myself if I wanted real friends. That being someone I wasn't was hurting me as much as being alone. I was depressed all my teen years cause I was sooooo lonely inside, even when I had people to hang out with. Being slimmer and more active, going to raves, I did have some aquaintances in the later years, but was still too shy to really be myself and would avoid a lot of oppurtunities. I didn't have any relationships or kiss any boys like many others did because I was terrified of making an ass out of myself to boys and couldn't talk to anyone I found attractive.
after high school i got my own place. I didn't keep jobs for long because I was so bad working with people, awkward at things it seemed others did naturally. When I went through a phase where i withdrew, I knew I needed help. I stopped calling people, avoided the phone, caller id all the time. I had saved up a bit of money and ended up spending it all supporting myself without a job. I saw various counsellors and took meds for depression. Someone I knew who had been depressed in the past, she recognised something was up when I didn't return any calls (she knew I "was looking for a job" or that's what I'd told her,and called me about a job) but I couldn't answer. Finally I did reply, when she sounded really concerned, I got up the nerve after several days, called her. and she came over. I realised there were caring people if I could only learn to reach out more. I still couldn't talk about myself to her and pretended nothing was really wrong. but it did spur me on to I find a counsellor. After trying several, I got one who actually helped me. she didn't go over my family and stuff like that, she just worked on my thinking and how my negative thoughts were self fulfilling. She pointed out my good qualities in a very sincere way. Her work was more like cognitive behavioral therapy, which I highly recommend.
If you haven't had help through counselling get another counsellor! i had 4 shitty counsellors before I finally found one that helped. She got me tested by a psychologist who in one 2 hour session said I had avoidant traits, which nobody said before. The rest just told me to take meds for depression.
At this point I managed to get a job where i was on a computer a lot and didn't have to deal with customers in person. I got a computer at home and put up personal ads and posted on forums. I met some people through this and they weren't evil ugly monsters like I'd feared, I made friends because it was easier to be myself over the net and meet people more like me.
As an adult I have been doing pretty well for some years, having jobs and making friends. I still don't have tons of friends, I'm not outgoing, but I can go out to bars and have fun. I have had several boyfriends who found me attractive and funny. I still kick myself sometimes over little things I say or do that embarass me but I realise that everyone does that and ultimately it doesn't matter. I think I had to hit rock bottom several times to realise that going out risking embarassment hurts less than doing nothing. Being alone is the worst feeling I've ever felt, worse than physical pain. The pain of being rejected by a stranger stings but if you keep going you will find the nice people and it will make up for a hundred rejections. It is so hard to be yourself when you are shy but you must take little baby steps. You must force yourself to do what you can. Put yourself inside anothers' shoes and see that the harsh criticisms you put on yourself are so out of proportion to how you would react if you were that person. I have taken what was self-hate in the past and put it into reality - sometimes you should be angry at others not yourself. If someone is just a jerk to you, don't blame yourself, they're just a jerk and not worth your time, and you can feel proud that you aren't pathetic like they are, because you aren't dependent on the pain of others.
I know this has been a long-winded rant but I wanted to ad my story to whoever may read it. I am worlds away from the girl I used to be. People who've met me in the last few years are really surprised when I tell them how painfully shy and withdrawn I was socially. They can't picture it. I still have a dark cynical sense of humour which may have developed from my loner years but now I have friends who share my humour and play along with it. They like it. 10 years ago I couldn't have shared that humour for fear of nobody laughing but now I can. It's just all in good fun. Some people don't get me but these are people who don't really interest me either so I don't let it get to me. The more you learn to talk to people, to express yourself, to get involved, the easier it gets. Start small. If you can't in person, talk online. Then phone, then in person. No need to rush. Don't worry that you've wasted your life, once you are really living you can leave that behind.
I wish for all of you to find your own path out of darkness. Don't ever give up. It isn't easy but once you change you can feel a deep sense of pride that you did it.
Some favourite quotes of mine from Anais Nin:
"There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
"Living never wore one out so much as the effort not to live."
