Anyone got tips for my problem?

[Gomba14]

So let me begin. Im 18, I just ended my first semester at a junior college, and am gonna be starting my second semester in about two weeks. Regarding my age, I still dont have my license and I still dont have a job.

My problem has been strictly with this "fight or flight" response. Whenever I get into something that I dont feel confortable doing I get the sweaty palms and whatever other symptoms there are. The main problem though, for me, is that my mind seems to get sort of flushed. If im doing a speech based off of memory, and interview, or what not anything that I get a bit uncomfortable doing which triggers the response, my mind goes blank. This all started when I was 16 and did a presentation in one of my high school classes. I ended up trembling my words, and sounds rediculously nervous and its really had a toll on my confidence.

another thing is because nobody knows im having issues like this, and I dont want them to know. My paresnts, family, and friends see me as a happy, joking guy that seems to not care what anyone thinks. Hell if I told them I was having issues like this they'd probably laugh at me and think im joking, my personality doesnt reflect this anxiety at all. Im also not hiding my personality, I am like that as long as its not in awkard situations like a speech, meeting new people ect.

So the main reason I posted this was because I wanted to know if theres a way to get through this without pesky medication or psychotherapy. I have been thinking alot more positive lately, have been trying to motivate myself for better self confidence, and have been trying to get myself to actually get a job.
Im having a hard time because my parents think im just lazy (well i kinda am), but the real reason I dont want a job is because its a new thing for me, and due to my past experiences with speeches and such, I dont think my interview will go very well. Now thats not thinking positive, but its kina hard to change that mindset when you've been humiliated pretty badly.

So I want your guys thoughts. After reading, I still seem to have a pretty awkard style of social anxiety, only certain things really set me off. for me its getting the confidence to initiate myself to do something, once Im there I usually do fine.

 

[slowmotiondaydream]

i some what have i have something similar thing to you. When doing speeches and/or presentations the one thing i get later is an extremely dry mouth where it leaves me to have speaking difficulties, and my mouth lacks a certain nerve where it all goes numb (as stupid it may sound). Once i had simple number to say in one speech and had difficulties with that to the point where the teacher had to help me out in order to pronounce it correctly. I at that point wanted to get of stage and go home and cry lol.
Now i suppose your not as bad i was and still am.
Ive got a part time job for a number of years already and want a change, yet i can't seem to find the confidence in the interviews area, thus i don't want to find a new job because i HAVE to do an interview.

19 years old here also

 

[LittleMissMuffet]

Hi Gomba,

First of all, I think you can consider your self fairly lucky, since you seem to experience anxiety in areas that most people do. ...Did you know, for instance, that the number one fear for people is public speaking-? -this is before anything permanently damaging like death and such.

Secondly, you wrote that you'd rather not seek 'pesky ...psychotherapy' ...well, I've been seeing a psychiatrist for at least a dozen visits -and the simple fact of the matter is that she has offered-up very little by way of strategies for resolving my anxiety issues. Even the CBT part, she said that she needs to help me very little in and that 'you make my job easy for me'. ...Other than a bit of supportive guidance, I haven't gotten very much out of it at all. And I think that -especially in your case- it is wise to not see someone, or certainly at least to be wary of doing so -since it opens up a whole lot of insecurities, including... that some shrinks try to look for the negatives when trying to find a diagnosis (are you aware that an official study/test done, revealed that 1 in 4 psychotherapists actually diagnose a healthy person as having a disorder-? ) and also, there is stigma attached to having a "mental illness" that can do even more damage to what often already is poor self-esteem.

But you asked for tips....
One that someone told me once, who is a lecturer, is that when you feel nervous you can say outloud something like: "Gees, I feel nervous" in a way that you are getting your feelings off your chest. ...I think that this would help because anxiety can be a vicious circle in that the more a person tries to stop their nerves the more nervous that they get.
Certainly this is the case when the anxiety is high.

Another one that I was told is to pick something to focus your eyes on in front of you and then pick another thing away in the distance and switch your focusing in turn between the two ...I think that when focussing on details, the mind relaxes.

Similar to this, you could also take up meditation -which is an aid in controlling thoughts and emotions; and which is especially good with strong impulsive emotions, which is why people coming off drug habits sometimes turn to this. Techniques of developing a still mind -and the skill to create this at will- in meditation are very useful with impulsive/difficult to control emotional responses for one, because the technique of letting thoughts go through the mind but gently focussing the mind back on the breath -is completely different to trying to 'stop' -ie: resist- certain compulsive thoughts (or feelings). ...And this gentle centring of the mind (on the breath, in meditation) is the exact opposite of high anxiety, which involves trying to resist something only to make that something stronger. ...Also, meditation will teach you to focus on the breath to still the mind. And deep breathing -especially if it is with the diaphragm- slows down the 'flight or fight' response.

To breathe with the diaphragm you basically bring the breath into your 'stomach' area instead of into your 'chest' area. (interestingly, women supposedly breathe with the chest more, whilst men with their diaphragm more).

Another thing that you could try is to think to yourself that even if something did go wrong, that the impressions you make upon people, on your first meeting or giving a speech or whatever, are just that -impressions. And that who you are is more than these and more than little nervous reactions. That whilst they are a part of how you feel, that they are just one aspect of many aspects that make up your personality. I find that basing my sense of who I am and my worth on more than these impressions helps me a lot -that I am actually better at controlling the impression I make in the first place (ironically because I'm not focussed on controlling this)...This is so that, like in meditation, you can gently centre your mind instead of focussing on nervous impulses and trying to stop them -which just adds more fuel to the 'flight or fight' fire.

And maybe instead of trying to stop your nervous reactions when they do happen, you can challenge your self to try a different response -such as smiling and/or thinking or saying to your self that I it's ok if I react strongly to things. ....and why should being confident have to exclude being emotional and sensitive and reactive...? I should think that falling and getting back on one's feet is even more impressive than not falling at all.

But good luck with it all: dealing with anxiety is a challenge.

 

[Gomba14]

wow thanks for the responses. Wasn't expecting to see so much information from my post. I'll definitely take into consideration everything you said LittleMissMuffet.

and glad to know other people are having issues like mine slowmotion.