Anyone else have trouble believing SP is real?

[skatterkat]

I haven't been diagnosed and I've only been reading about SP since this morning, but I'm 99% certain that I have it. And yet this little 1% voice is whispering in my head that it's fake, that I don't really have it, that it's just me being lazy or looking for an excuse or attention or something.... anyone else ever feel like this?

By the way, I'm not saying that SP isn't a legitimate illness, I understand that it is and that it is a very serious and painful one at that. And my larger mind can say that I fit most of the criteria, and I should look into this further as there is a large possibility I have it. So SP is real, and I probably have SP. The problem is my little-mind won't let me take it seriously when I apply it to me. It's saying, 'you don't have an illness, you're just flawed.' Like, if I have a problem, it must be my own bloody fault, so it can't be a 'real' illness then, can it?

I'm very confused right now. I haven't talked to any of my family or friends about this - yet. I guess I'm expecting them to tell me it's just a phase or something. Anywhoos... hope someone understands what I'm trying to get at here; it's 3am and I've been insomnia's bitch for the past week so my incoherency is reaching new heights.

 

[ShiJai]

I know what it is your saying.
I'm always worried that maybe I'm being a hypercondriac, that maybe I just want attention or something...
I first found out about sp when I was 20 while at the doctors (there was some reading material there on it).
It was such a relief to have some sort of answer that I made an appointment to see someone and be diagnosed. But there are plenty of times I still stress that somehow I'm just making excuses for my failings.
It makes it even more difficult that except for those in the profession or fellow sufferes, sp is virtually unknown to the general public...
Admitting your problem is hard enough without family looking at you ... with that look.
I'm not sure why, but it's easier to accept and sympathise with other peoples problems then our own.
For what it's worth, your not alone in the way you feel.
ShiJai.

 

[Rainman]

I am not sure whether I have SA, or am Shy, or just normal. What I do know, that mose SAers can relate to perhaps, that these are habits that we do have the power to change.

If you use SA as a label to rationalise your shortcomings and inaction, then I agree you are making excuses. You can say to yourself "I can't talk, because I have SA" "I can't get a job, because I have SA" "I can't get laid, because I have SA" "I can't go out, because I have SA"

You can see how detrimental this way of thinking can be. If you cannot talk properly, if you cannot get a job, if you cannot get laid, if you cannot go out, it's not just because you have SOCIAL ANXIETY, it's also because you have many habits that are not working for you and you lack certain skills, that you can only learn by doing.

Social anxiety, to me, is just extreme shyness, to the level, where it is no just emotional or mental, but physical(i.e. panic attacks etc) and should be dealt with, in exactly the same way, we would deal with shyness - by gaining confidence and self-esteem. Your confidence is your belief in your own skills and talents.

We all confidence about something or the other. We are confident, because we have learnt those skills through experience. Dealing with anxiety provoking situations is a skill itself. If you can develop this skill to such a level that you rarely feel anxiety - you will have confidence.

Likewise, conversation and flirting is a skill. The more you practice, the more skill you will develop, the more confidence you will get in it.

Ditto for job interviews. The dynamic is exactly the same with us SAers, as it is with with "normal" people.

 

[ShiJai]

I appreciate your advice, and it may be true for some people.
But speaking for myself, I've tried putting myself in difficult situations, exposing myself to my fears. It hasn't made it any easier. Sp for me is not merely extreme shyness, which is why I've been trying to get help from those who know..
Exposure therapy does work for some, but unfortunetly, for others it can exacerbate the problem, erroding what little confidence they still have.
From what I've read and been told in therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy works the best for sp.
Best of luck in your approach however.
ShiJai.

 

[happy5225]

I think I have selective mutism or social phobia but my doctor said I was only a little shy but that doesn't count because I can't tell him the truth. I think I have selective mutism because when I was in primary I didn't dare to say a thing so I never spoke in school. When I was at home or at other places I was more normal. When I was little and didn't know anything so I didn't go to the doctors. The teachers would beat me to get me to say something but that only made me spoke less. When I was in secondary school I tried to speak but the sound was small and shy and can't get loud volume. Anyways In secondary school the situation was better, but when my schoolmates was talking to me I didn't know how to respond and then I would get nervous. So I am starting to think I have social phobia when I went on the net lately.

 

[Rainman]

I appreciate your advice, and it may be true for some people.
But speaking for myself, I've tried putting myself in difficult situations, exposing myself to my fears. It hasn't made it any easier. Sp for me is not merely extreme shyness, which is why I've been trying to get help from those who know..
Exposure therapy does work for some, but unfortunetly, for others it can exacerbate the problem, erroding what little confidence they still have.
From what I've read and been told in therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy works the best for sp.
Best of luck in your approach however.
ShiJai.

Yeah, exposing yourself to the situation does not always work. In fact it did not work for me initially. I made several attempts to expose myself to group situations(that's what causes me anxiety) and they all have ended up in disaster, even further knocking back my confidence.

What you need is a combination of CBT techniques and real life experience. What works best, is to divide your challenges into small managable steps, which in CBT is called an anxiety hierarchy.

Most of us probably already know this, but I'll share it anyway. You grade from 0-10 the situations that cause you anxiety, where 0 is where you are absolutely relaxed and clear minded and 10 is where you at the level of intense fear, panic attacks etc

You would not initially throw yourself into a grade 10 siituation, because it would be counterproductive. Instead, you would gradually expose yourself to lesser grades, until you are comfortable with them and then move on.

Here's an example:

0 - In my bedroom, my sanctuary
1 - In the living room with my family
2 - Walking outside of my house
3 - Talking to strangers
4 - Talking on the telephone with customer service etc
5 - Going to work/school/college
6 - Talking to peers
7 - Talking in groups
8 - Confrontations with groups
9 - Asking out the opposite sex
10 - Dealing with people laughing/mocking/critcising or teasing you in a negative way, in other words dealing with difficult people and groups.

This will give you a rough idea on how to divide your steps. If you're starting from the comfort zone of your bedroom. Then start to move around more in your house, sit more with your family in the living room, go to the garden.

Once you are comfortable with that and no longer feel anxiety(negative) because of those situations(because you have gained confidence in your ability to do that) Graduate, to actually stepping out the door and taking walks. Initially, keep them short and then gradually increase the distance and time away from home.

Once you are comfortable with that, graduate to greeting strangers on your walks with a smile and a warm "Hi" this will give you the confidence in actually talking to people. It's not saying much, but at least you will learn the very basic skill of how to say hi to somebody. Initially, practice saying it at home in front of the mirror.

And so on and so forth. You should not discount the actual practical side of your therapy. You can go to as many counselling sessions and psychotherapists as possible and you can read every self-help book in existence, but if you do not actually DO something concrete to improve your condition, nothing will happen, you will remain at square one forever.

This anxiety hierarchy is designed for you to gradually expand your comfort zone by taking small, managable steps. The fears we experience are irrational, if you put into perspective. The real grade 10's should be something like fighting in war, dodging bullets and grenades. You couldn't really help anxiety in that situation, because you are constantly at risk of being killed or injured, so you need to be alert. This is positive anxiety.

The dynamic is exactly the same, as it is for others. We need to build confidence and self-esteem. Where self-esteem is the value you place on yourself or your ability/talent and confidence is how you express that.

It would be a great idea to supplement your CBT, with a confidence building course and a self-help plan.

 

[ShiJai]

Mr Self Destruct

i am the voice inside your head (and i control you)
i am the lover in your bed (and i control you)
i am the sex that you provide (and i control you)
i am the hate you try to hide (and i control you)
i take you where you want to go
i give you all you need to know
i drag you down i use you up
mr self destruct

i speak religion's message clear (and i control you)
i am denial guilt and fear (and i control you)
i am the prayers of the naive (and i control you)
i am the lie that you believe (and i control you)
i take you where you want to go
i give you all you need to know
i drag you down i use you up
mr self destruct

i am the needle in your vein (and i control you)
i am the high you can't sustain (and i control you)
i am the pusher i'm a whore (and i control you)
i am the need you have for more (and i control you)
i am the bullet in the gun (and i control you)
i am the truth from which you run (and i control you)
i am the silencing machine (and i control you)
i am the end of all your dreams (and i control you)
i take you where you want to go
i give you all you need to know
i drag you down i use you up
mr self destruct

NIN

Worrydoll did you write this?
It's absolutely beautiful! I love it!
If it's not yours could you let me know who did write it, and if it is yours, do you mind if I make a copy of it?
ShiJai.

 

[skatterkat]

Whew, thanks for the reassurance you guys... before this I felt like an extinct animal, all alone, ya know? I think I'll try and get diagnosed before I go to my family with this, so I know for certain it's not just 'me being me'. :roll:

I've already started on a plan to help myself deal with SP... I might be working as a fundraiser for the summer y'see, which involves a lot of conversations with strangers and scary things like that. Which is something I can do on a good day, but on a bad... I'm hoping to work my way up to consistency. Fundraising is something I really want to do but am also really scared to, and before finding out about SP I probably wouldn't have tried it, but there's something kinda comforting about it. Like I can say, 'oh, so THAT'S why I'm scared,' and then just put the fear aside and do it anyway. 8O If you catchum my driftum.

 

[IronMaidenRockess]

Hello Skatterkat

I had those same feelings excacly, until I saw the doctor and was diagnosed with it. Then it started to sink in as an illness and not just as a lazy way of avoiding things! So then I thought, since Ive been diagnosed with it, SP is real. And then when my doctor told me he had 2 other patients with SP, I felt better, as there were people in the same town as me with it.

 

[Jack-B]

Skattercat,

Everyone has negative thoughts in varying degrees.

You know in yourself that there is a 'problem'.

A lot of people find comfort in naming or labelling what appears to them, SA/SP or whatever. This helps them identify what help they need. Just know what it is and what it is not.

It's easy to say ok i have social phobia, this in itself can be either part liberating because of years of being this way or can almost concrete symptoms into that person. Like. " i am SA/SP" - which is nonsense.

So realise that whatever you decide to name it or whatever anyone else names it. It is not you. It is the pollution of your mind, not the mind itself, which by nature is completely pure. Negative thoughts arise and pass away in your mind like clouds in the sky but are not the sky itself which is clear.

The 1% you talk about is the purity of your mind shining through telling you not to believe in the negative thoughts which are as real as you believe them to be. When someone keeps thinking that they are ill, eventually through their believing it, they become ill.

I'm not saying you should ignore these thoughts, just be aware of them. This will help you to distance yourself from them, watch them without getting too involved with them.

Jack