Any stay home moms with SP?

[terrified]

Hi,

I'm a stay home mom with SP. It's so painful to have SP when I have little children who need my support all the time. Because of my SP, I avoid going to their school, grocery store, walking around neighborhood, shopping, church, etc. I usually only go out when I need to and get stressed out about most of the time. My older one makes it obvious that he prefers his dad most of the time because he would have more fun going out with his dad than staying home with me. It hurts that I'm like this. I have been on therapy for over 10 years and have gotten better. However, going out and meeting people is still very painful. I just want to chat with someone in similar situation. Thanks.

 

[Carol]

Yes, I'm in your situation! A few days ago I sent out a post asking about the same thing, but nobody responded.

I'm a stay-at-home mom also and sometimes I have an awful time going out. My children are getting older and want to go out more and more, and I hate to keep them home because of my own issues. My daughter will be going to kindergarten this year and I don't know how I'm going to deal with it. I do force myself to go out, like I almost never miss church, but I can feel terrible anxiety when I have to go out, and sometimes I come home feeling awful about myself. I know what you mean about wanting to avoid the grocery store too!

So yes, I understand!!

 

[terrified]

Hi Carol,

Sorry, nobody responded before. I didn't see that post. Anyhow, I'm glad I found someone who is in similar situation. I have two boys, 2nd grade and kindergarten. For a long time, I have been feeling adequate because of my SP. I'm starting to catch that my older son is manipulating the situation so I'm trying to put strong up front.

 

[Carol]

How do you deal with all the school functions? Do you just avoid them as much as possible? I wanted to throw up when I was given the list of school fundraisers that they do throughout the year. I am not a salesperson! And the regular school activities scare me too - like Back-To-School Night and other "fun" functions. Do you go to things like that?

 

[nancy]

I have the same situation with concerns as my children are growing older and the demands of outdoor activities keep increasing. My oldest just completed kindergarten and I never attended any of the many activities throughout the school year. The youngest is starting preschool next week and I am expected to attend an open house as well as a parent's night for his school. I am starting to feel sick thinking about this. It is really hard with two boys who really want to do what is normal and go to the park, play / interact with others, while mom is feeling intense anxiety about it all.
I am so glad I read that there are people exactly in my position as a stay at home mom with this condition and having to raise children.

 

[terrified]

Hi Nancy,

I'm so relief to hear that too.

 

[terrified]

Hi Carol,

Yes, unfortunately I avoid them as much as I could. That's one of the reasons why my older son is resentful at times. For first several years, he would ask me to be there at school functions. After not showing up for so many times, he stopped asking. Sometimes, I just bear it but it shows. People usually think that I'm very angry person because I have hard time smiling because I'm so scared.

That's what stresses me the most. I feel so out of control of my anxiety and start to worry about what people think of me. Everything goes down hill then on.

 

[Carol]

It is so helpful to know that there are other moms going through the same issues that I am! I have to remind myself of that when I'm in social situations. I really can't assume that I know what other moms are thinking. Maybe if another mom isn't smiling or doesn't look friendly, it doesn't definitely mean that she doesn't like me - maybe she is really just as scared as I am! It would boost my self-confidence so much if I could just remember that the people around me do NOT necessarily have it all together. I am not the only one who feels insecure and afraid of rejection.

My daughter starts kindergarten tomorrow. All I have to do is walk her to the bus in the morning and pick her up from the bus in the afternoon, but I am so nervous. I'm nervous for her too, nervous about how she'll look and what others will think of her. I keep thinking about how I was rejected in school, and I don't want my kids to go through that too.

 

[terrified]

Hi Carol,

You are right about that. That is really true most of the time. I think most people feel uneasy around people they don't know. It's funny that when I meet people for the first time, they seem perfect. Then I get to know them, they all have flaws. I think most people are insecure about one thing or another. Don't you think?

I need to do that same. Next time I start to feel inadequate, I'll try to remember that other people don't have all together either. I know I'm flawed person but everyone else is too and that is what it means to be a person.

When my older son started Kindergarten, I felt exactly the same way. I'm from South Korea and I went to 1st grade in South Korea. There were about 60 kids in the class with one teacher and for obvious reasons, she was very strict. I sat next to this boy who bullied me all the time and I got so traumatized by it that I would have night mares about him bullying me.

Anyhow, when I went to open house for my older son's kindergarten, all that fear came over me as if I became the 1st grader again. I was scared that it would be same for my son as well. I thought someone would bully him and I would worry all the time.

After a couple years of that, I realize that my son is not me. He is not going to relive my life. Sure enough. He is having completely different school experience from what I experience. I have to remind myself that he is not me all the time.

 

[terrified]

Hi Nancy,

I forgot to mention that I have two boys too, 2nd and kindergarten. I don't think I could raise them without back yard. When they need to run, I give them a ball or two and let them run in the back yard. Sometimes, they complain that it's too boring but it's too hard for me to deal with stress being out in public and having to keep up with them too.

Do your boys wear you out all the time too?

 

[Carol]

We made it through my daughter's first 2 days of kindergarten! She seems to be doing well enough and right now I'm not feeling quite so nervous about it.

I like what you (Terrified) said about your son not being you. I kept thinking about that on my daughter's first day of kindergarten, that she isn't me and her experiences may be totally different from mine. I shouldn't act as though her future is already doomed. She might have a great time in school, and I shouldn't let her see that I'm worried or she might get worried too! (And I shouldn't worry either!)

 

[terrified]

Hi Carol,

Congratulation!

Remember anxiety about sending your child to Kindergarten for the first time is universal I found out whether you have social phobia or not.

Oh, our babies are going to school.

good night...