kuze
Well-known member
I'm 23 years old, been agoraphobic for a number of years, dropped out of high school, didnt go to college, spend everyday watching tv, on internet, very depressed. I have no friends, left them all in my home country of Trinidad when I was 15, as you can imagine I dont have a girlfriend, never had one. Loneliness is all I know now, I get painful anxiety attacks that only let me sleep for 4-5 hrs a day. One of the main reasons I'm agoraphobic is my appearance, l've dealt with teasing, ridicule, staring and it all added up to isolation. Now I'm at a point in my life where I'm depressed 24/7, I feel like such a failure, I've found some of my old friends from trinidad and most of them are doing great, college graduates, one of them even won the silver medal in the mens 100 m in the olympics. I am happy for them but I feel like even more shit now, I sit at home everyday while these guys are becoming real men. The thing that triggered my agoraphobia was the constant staring, the depression I got from being alienated in high school made me weak and when ppl in the street stared at me it just hit me to the core. Now I can't go anywhere without experiencing a panic attack. I was born with an unusual looking face and scoliosis, this is what gets all the stares from ppl. I was so happy as a child that I honestly didnt even think anything was wrong with me, if anybody was making fun of me, I probably didnt even notice. When I moved to the US and left my nucleus of friends the troubles began, ppl weren't polite like the ones in Trinidad. I was mostly treated like a lowly freak, that is when I became extremely self conscious, now I sit at home all day thinking that this is how its meant to be, nobody wants to be with a freak. Over the years I've tried everything, back in NY I would always go outside covering my head, in the winter, I always had a hoodie on, in the summer I would ridiculously put a towel on my head to try not to be seen. Looking back at it, these things most likely made me look even more weird, after a while I was tired of doing all of that and just stopped going outside altogether. i remember when I had a job in a carwash when I was 18, the owner saw me through the window and broke out laughing, I pretended I couldn't see him but it hurt so much. Everyday i worked there was bad for me, my anxiety was beginning back then, one guy even got so mad at me, he punched me and hit me with a bat, I guess cus I was acting weird around him. All of these horrible memories make me cringe when I think about them, it only adds to my avoidance, but i still want to live so bad. I'm in florida now so I cant wear any hoodies again, and there is no way Im walking around with a towel on my head. I few moments ago I had another thought that I've had but always thought was absurd, I wondered if a surgery can possibly help me. I have many troubles with my face but the one thing I get from ppl is my lips, ppl always bite their lips when they see me, they always seem to stare at them. I want to post a picture of myself and get feedback as to if any surgery can help me at all, please don't try to be nice and say that I look fine because i know I dont. I just want to try anything to help my self. http://i285.photobucket.com/albums/ll49/ingres23/Picture.jpg?t=1220289669 Thanks for the positive encouragement, its nice to hear stuff like that but I think this picture will better show my problem http://i285.photobucket.com/albums/ll49/ingres23/Picture017.jpg?t=1220315577
