featherflight
Member
I came here a couple of years ago, but alas im back.
(forgive the bad typing, ive got a couple of qualifications in typing,but apparantly my laptop keys don't want to work tonight)
see i know it can only be diagnosed by proffesionals but i've really given up on them. And I have to keep going through my gp, who probably now thinks im a hypochondriac or doing this for attention. So please give my post some consideration.
All my life i've been extremely shy. Up until i was about 7 i used to hide behind my mother all the time when talking to strangers. I sort of came out of myself as i got to know people in my school, and around my area. All though i would never include myself as much as everyone else because they'd have a go at me and tell me i was being too rough, despite me only doing it as much as everyone else. I did only keep to my certain circle of friends, not being at all comfortable sociallising with otherpeople than my own circle. They'd always leave me out of their games or i'd just act odd.
As i went into comprehensive school(high school), i lost quite few friends, especially as my best friend moved away (back now, yay), and this girl bullied me. I spoke to people if they spoke to me, but i could never bring myself to speak to them first, or to keep the conversation up for longer than a little while. You know, past the "hi, how are you?, ah/why?" Which was a pain in the backside, considering there were a few people who were curious about me. This continued on for all my comprehensive years (11 yrs old - 16 yrs. ). I'm in college now but it still effects me big time. When i started my comprehensive,I tried to kill myself so, i went to my gp, then a psychologist, and had some councelling off the psychiatic nurses I think. The one spoke to me for a couple of weeks, then i did a "group therapy" course, with people who as far as i could see , didn't
have the same problems as me, they obviously had some but not the same, do you understand?. I went every time, and tried to fill out the workbok they made us do in each session, which was by this guy who'd written the course, and apparantly had such success. It was basically just affirmations like "you can do it!" and "you just have to see things from different perspectives". I think it was after about four months and the group finished. And tada! i'm cured.
Not. Although they (my mother and the nurses) all came to the conclusion that i was. Despite i told everyone clearly that i didn't want councelling for my anxiety, that was a problem but not tehe problem at that time, it was my suicidal feelings at the beginning of my councelling sessions. Anyway, getting back to the point. At the last day they told me that i was better, and i said that i didn't think i was really. Because i felt no better. Guess what? despite my attempts at the affirmation, through the rest of the years , still not overcome my anxiety.Oh yes, they told me I had anxiety.
when i was fifteen, i went back to the gp and told him i still had problems. So he said he'd refer me. I waited. I went back a couple of months later, to ask if they were referring me and they said they would. So i waitedtill just after my sixteenth. Because from 4 months before, up to this current time, i've had rubbish sleep, and because i was getting really depressed again, plus i still had my 'anxiety'.The sleep part, i wake up in the middle of the night randomly a couple of times, or have real bad nightmares, that is unless i stay up till about 5am. In which i get exhausted then the next day.
And they then sent me to the child psychologist in the building. I was really honest with him , told him my feelings. Annnd he said i may, but only may have a mild form of depression. Now i know damn well what i feel isn't mild, and that its damn well depression. He also said I obviously have some sort of anxiety disorder. Thing is no-one at all mentions social phobia, only "anxiety disorder" so i end up taking leaflets home for my panic attacks(which are pretty small compared to some people i know). And the only reason he didn't state definately a possibility of proper depression, is because of my age, and he even said "but it might be because of my age." Which is pretty arrogant. So he said he'd refer me. Im 18 in nine months, and still no refer to a proper pschologist, like the one who saw me before. The thing is though. I know I don't have that much of an anxiety disorder, exept maybe social phobia, because im pretty confident (i can do things by myself, providing i don't have to speak to people, and i hate but don't hate myself, so i don't have low self esteem. For example , i think im a repulsive fat ugly overanxious moron, but i feel alot of the time that im better than people,which might just be a defence mechanism). Heres why i think i have Social phobia
Sorry i've moaned so much, its half one in the morning and i've got a really bad headache, so i needed to get this off my chest and i really need to sort it out.
And the worst thing is , despite this phobia thing, my mother assumes that by'facing your fears' or 'living with the depression/anxiety' will sort it out rather than proper help. And trust me i've done that most of my life. And shes such a hypocrite, she takes seroxat for her depression, i've felt suicidal from 11-16, and still want to commit suicide but i want to live.
Its driving me crazy
(forgive the bad typing, ive got a couple of qualifications in typing,but apparantly my laptop keys don't want to work tonight)
see i know it can only be diagnosed by proffesionals but i've really given up on them. And I have to keep going through my gp, who probably now thinks im a hypochondriac or doing this for attention. So please give my post some consideration.
All my life i've been extremely shy. Up until i was about 7 i used to hide behind my mother all the time when talking to strangers. I sort of came out of myself as i got to know people in my school, and around my area. All though i would never include myself as much as everyone else because they'd have a go at me and tell me i was being too rough, despite me only doing it as much as everyone else. I did only keep to my certain circle of friends, not being at all comfortable sociallising with otherpeople than my own circle. They'd always leave me out of their games or i'd just act odd.
As i went into comprehensive school(high school), i lost quite few friends, especially as my best friend moved away (back now, yay), and this girl bullied me. I spoke to people if they spoke to me, but i could never bring myself to speak to them first, or to keep the conversation up for longer than a little while. You know, past the "hi, how are you?, ah/why?" Which was a pain in the backside, considering there were a few people who were curious about me. This continued on for all my comprehensive years (11 yrs old - 16 yrs. ). I'm in college now but it still effects me big time. When i started my comprehensive,I tried to kill myself so, i went to my gp, then a psychologist, and had some councelling off the psychiatic nurses I think. The one spoke to me for a couple of weeks, then i did a "group therapy" course, with people who as far as i could see , didn't
have the same problems as me, they obviously had some but not the same, do you understand?. I went every time, and tried to fill out the workbok they made us do in each session, which was by this guy who'd written the course, and apparantly had such success. It was basically just affirmations like "you can do it!" and "you just have to see things from different perspectives". I think it was after about four months and the group finished. And tada! i'm cured.
Not. Although they (my mother and the nurses) all came to the conclusion that i was. Despite i told everyone clearly that i didn't want councelling for my anxiety, that was a problem but not tehe problem at that time, it was my suicidal feelings at the beginning of my councelling sessions. Anyway, getting back to the point. At the last day they told me that i was better, and i said that i didn't think i was really. Because i felt no better. Guess what? despite my attempts at the affirmation, through the rest of the years , still not overcome my anxiety.Oh yes, they told me I had anxiety.
when i was fifteen, i went back to the gp and told him i still had problems. So he said he'd refer me. I waited. I went back a couple of months later, to ask if they were referring me and they said they would. So i waitedtill just after my sixteenth. Because from 4 months before, up to this current time, i've had rubbish sleep, and because i was getting really depressed again, plus i still had my 'anxiety'.The sleep part, i wake up in the middle of the night randomly a couple of times, or have real bad nightmares, that is unless i stay up till about 5am. In which i get exhausted then the next day.
And they then sent me to the child psychologist in the building. I was really honest with him , told him my feelings. Annnd he said i may, but only may have a mild form of depression. Now i know damn well what i feel isn't mild, and that its damn well depression. He also said I obviously have some sort of anxiety disorder. Thing is no-one at all mentions social phobia, only "anxiety disorder" so i end up taking leaflets home for my panic attacks(which are pretty small compared to some people i know). And the only reason he didn't state definately a possibility of proper depression, is because of my age, and he even said "but it might be because of my age." Which is pretty arrogant. So he said he'd refer me. Im 18 in nine months, and still no refer to a proper pschologist, like the one who saw me before. The thing is though. I know I don't have that much of an anxiety disorder, exept maybe social phobia, because im pretty confident (i can do things by myself, providing i don't have to speak to people, and i hate but don't hate myself, so i don't have low self esteem. For example , i think im a repulsive fat ugly overanxious moron, but i feel alot of the time that im better than people,which might just be a defence mechanism). Heres why i think i have Social phobia
- When i go shopping, i always feel like people are looking at me and feeling repulsed by me, and taking the mickey out of me behind my back. And if theres too many people i need to get out of the shop, i feel my chest tighten, i get a throbbing headache and im like a deer in the headlights, i act a little odd to, and if people don't stop surrounding me, i feel that im going to beat them with the nearest object till they let me pass.
I have trouble phoning people i don't know. ACTUALLY , forget that, i completely avoid phoning people i don't know (banks etc). And all my friends know not to phone my mobile, exept my best mates, because i won't answer them, although im chatty as hell on the internet.
I don't go out, im like a recluse. Basically , unless im dragged up to my main city, or out in local areas shopping, i won't go. Eg. I won't go out with my friends 'hanging around' because i know how many people will be there that il have to talk to, i don't go to parties because of the same thng and because people moan at me because i don't dance and the such, because im sat on my chair thinking about how other people are looking at me and taking the mickey. I only go shopping with my family or close friends.
If my sisters friends are near the house, or in it, and i don't look my best (no makeup or my hair needs to be washed) i have panic attacks, i get sweaty palm, i get teary, and really angry that they won't leave me alone (even though they aren't doing anything to me), I get depressed that i feel this way
Oh, and i can't eat infront of people. It used to be only as bad as feeling a little awkward eating crunchy food, but now its got so bad that i tear up my sandwhiches so people don't think im greedy and i won't tip stuff down me, and i've resorted to eating foods like pasta or rice which i take to college, in the toilets, so i can just stuff myself with it and no-one will think im gutsy . Really unhygenic, but at least no-one sees me.
And theres so many other reasons.
Sorry i've moaned so much, its half one in the morning and i've got a really bad headache, so i needed to get this off my chest and i really need to sort it out.
And the worst thing is , despite this phobia thing, my mother assumes that by'facing your fears' or 'living with the depression/anxiety' will sort it out rather than proper help. And trust me i've done that most of my life. And shes such a hypocrite, she takes seroxat for her depression, i've felt suicidal from 11-16, and still want to commit suicide but i want to live.
Its driving me crazy
