and a crave to be in a relationship (long read)

[Lilium]

Alright, well I have had my bouts with Social Anxiety like everyone else here, and even though I haven't been fully diagnosed there are many symptoms that relate to me and still which I struggle with.

Now lately, I feel the immense struggle again my confidence, and I feel as if I'm not being confident enough, or up to par with my personality. And now, I want to have a girlfriend (while at the same I'm terrified to be in such a relationship! The commitment scares me).

I feel this way because of the way some girls at my school (I'm in HS, freshmen) have been acting towards me. Girls compliment me on my sharp-looking dress sense and some have even said that I'm "cute" and boy does this boost up my confidence, while at the same I take this type of compliment with a grain of salt. There's this one friend of mine, a girl, where we kid around that we're bf/gf even though we really aren't, and we trade this big ball of infatuation around each other. God, I used to dream for a girl like her to have around. Sadly, I don't find her attractive enough (yet she's he only who admires me outwardly).
If the girl I had a crush (or should I say still) on acted like the way that girl does I would be the happiest boy! We're only decent friends and all the guys she's into are tall, big-armed guys and she knows already that I've been infatuated with her since the end of middle school, but she still pushes me away. I think -- except for the casual convo we'll once in a while -- I'll leave her alone until she feels I'm suitable (and no longer do I care if she doesn't ever respond to me again).

I guess what I'm trying to say is, how do I properly approach a girl. Yes, I know, asking a bunch of social phobes this question is a bit far-fretched but you guys are actually good with some of these tips and advice. I mean, I just believe that I should catch a chance at getting a girlfriend if they atleast find me a abit attractive. I only fours of this stuff.



There's also this girl who I've given up as as a possible suspect of liking me. I asked her out after finally looking for the right time to do so, and she rejected me. Now the paranoia is coming back with the theory that I've been vulnnerable enough to let let her know I like her, (Which I try to deny myself, and even right now I'm denying it!), or that she likes me! I guess it's all because of these mixed signals and glances and stares we give each other but I think it's just my mind wanting her to like me. We're casual on the terms of being friendly. But as of late there was this one instance where I was seated on the bleachers (talking to the girl who I kid around with), and there was only about several other people there also there, like 2-4. When she passes by, through a small posse of people, I could SEE her look at me, specifically. It was just casual look. But it wasn't one of these confident, "It's just a regular day look" where you just look at everyone the same way. It was almost like she was judging me, her eyes were kind kinda low and her lips were closed. Sometimes, when I feel like it, I read people.

She could have looked at anyone else out of all people, and there was no behind me to derail this theory. But I believe that it doesn't mean anything. Perhaps she looked at me because of something that I said earlier in the day or because I was talking to the girl I was with, or maybe she was appreciating my good sense of clothes or attractiveness (I think I'm average-looking), or maybe she just wanted to look!

God, what this anxiety puts me through. I just wanna put these tlittle troubles away. The only way to do that is to just talk straight to them and find out if he/she thinks this or that. That is the only.



I thank you for reading such a long story, and appreciate much if you reply!

 

[Aphrodyte]

Hi there, thanks for expressing yourself. It is often times hard to open up and express your feelings, and it takes a lot of courage to do so.

Judging from your post, I'm about 4-5 years old than you, so I recently got out of the whole high school dating scene and can empathize with you - mostly because the same thing happened to me. I liked a girl, and through my own mind I convinced myself that she liked me, even though it wasn't true. I only realized after I made a gigantic fool out of myself that I believed a lie because I wanted to believe it was true. I wanted to believe that she liked me, so I did. I ignored the facts of what her real feelings were and replaced them with my own desires and suffered because of it. I'm telling you this so you don't make the same mistakes that I did, even though I didn't and don't have SA nor any other social phobia.

My advice to you is this - remember that you're still just 14/15 and starting high school, and at your age, many people aren't looking for a serious relationship. They want a relationship for attention, for social status, but not for what you're looking for. Most people don't until they reach their mid twenties. What you should do is take your emotions out of the equation and ask yourself - did she look at me like that because she likes me, or did I convince myself that the look she gave me was beyond friendship? I'm not saying that the same thing that happened to me will happen to you, only that it's a possibility. I'd recommend asking a 3rd party what they think - your friend sounds like a good person to talk to. Ask her for her honest opinion and see what she thinks.

Good luck!

 

[Lilium]

Hi there, thanks for expressing yourself. It is often times hard to open up and express your feelings, and it takes a lot of courage to do so.

Judging from your post, I'm about 4-5 years old than you, so I recently got out of the whole high school dating scene and can empathize with you - mostly because the same thing happened to me. I liked a girl, and through my own mind I convinced myself that she liked me, even though it wasn't true. I only realized after I made a gigantic fool out of myself that I believed a lie because I wanted to believe it was true. I wanted to believe that she liked me, so I did. I ignored the facts of what her real feelings were and replaced them with my own desires and suffered because of it. I'm telling you this so you don't make the same mistakes that I did, even though I didn't and don't have SA nor any other social phobia.

My advice to you is this - remember that you're still just 14/15 and starting high school, and at your age, many people aren't looking for a serious relationship. They want a relationship for attention, for social status, but not for what you're looking for. Most people don't until they reach their mid twenties. What you should do is take your emotions out of the equation and ask yourself - did she look at me like that because she likes me, or did I convince myself that the look she gave me was beyond friendship? I'm not saying that the same thing that happened to me will happen to you, only that it's a possibility. I'd recommend asking a 3rd party what they think - your friend sounds like a good person to talk to. Ask her for her honest opinion and see what she thinks.

Good luck!

Appreciate the feedback.

Ah. I knew the truth would reveal itself somehow. Sometimes I feel more older than I am because I want a gf for more than just her looks or for the social status. I want the relationship because of the comfort it could bring, some special feeling and connection. It's too bad a lot of the girls in HS don't want anything serious as that. But is it worth the wait in 10 years to find a compatible relationship?

I might ask a 3rd party, but I'm way too afraid to reveal myself in such a position. But yeah, I think I'm deluding myself just like how you described. I just want to give up all these uneeded stresses.

Thanks again, Aphrodyte.

 

[shy17]

Hi there, thanks for expressing yourself. It is often times hard to open up and express your feelings, and it takes a lot of courage to do so.

Judging from your post, I'm about 4-5 years old than you, so I recently got out of the whole high school dating scene and can empathize with you - mostly because the same thing happened to me. I liked a girl, and through my own mind I convinced myself that she liked me, even though it wasn't true. I only realized after I made a gigantic fool out of myself that I believed a lie because I wanted to believe it was true. I wanted to believe that she liked me, so I did. I ignored the facts of what her real feelings were and replaced them with my own desires and suffered because of it. I'm telling you this so you don't make the same mistakes that I did, even though I didn't and don't have SA nor any other social phobia.

My advice to you is this - remember that you're still just 14/15 and starting high school, and at your age, many people aren't looking for a serious relationship. They want a relationship for attention, for social status, but not for what you're looking for. Most people don't until they reach their mid twenties. What you should do is take your emotions out of the equation and ask yourself - did she look at me like that because she likes me, or did I convince myself that the look she gave me was beyond friendship? I'm not saying that the same thing that happened to me will happen to you, only that it's a possibility. I'd recommend asking a 3rd party what they think - your friend sounds like a good person to talk to. Ask her for her honest opinion and see what she thinks.

Good luck!

Ha Ha Ha, exacly the same thing happened to me.

 

[Aphrodyte]

Appreciate the feedback.

Ah. I knew the truth would reveal itself somehow. Sometimes I feel more older than I am because I want a gf for more than just her looks or for the social status. I want the relationship because of the comfort it could bring, some special feeling and connection. It's too bad a lot of the girls in HS don't want anything serious as that. But is it worth the wait in 10 years to find a compatible relationship?

I might ask a 3rd party, but I'm way too afraid to reveal myself in such a position. But yeah, I think I'm deluding myself just like how you described. I just want to give up all these uneeded stresses.

Thanks again, Aphrodyte.

You'll have to ask someone on here who is in a good relationship to find out if it is worth it or not, since I have no idea. I'd like to imagine it is, but then again everyone in my class who were in a "relationship" with one another broke up soon after graduating, so that just goes to show you how serious they took it.