Am I making it worse?
- Thread starter mystiah
- Start date
ripewithdecay
Well-known member
Has he read about SA or anything like that? Have you brought it up at all as a potential problem he might have?
Generical
Well-known member
I'm sure there's a way to help him and you two remain in touch, not defo how though lol. I think if you were to break the relationship you two have it would really effect him in a bad way, maybe for worse i don't know. For him to have someone this close is a really good thing seeming he has someone to trust etc. but it's hard to really motivate someone when your doing in over the net.
It might not even be you that is worsening his real life situation but more that it's just that time when people are gonna move away from him.....so this would probably of happened anyway and it's good that he's got you kinda thing.
Not sure where i'm going with this lol, but gotta say it's cool that your prepared to do what your doing though, whatever you decide on doing.
I guess you have to get through to him somehow and get him to think about his future, worst case scenario is that he stops talking to you (seriously doubt that) which is kinda what you were debating about (obviously in a nicer way) but at least you gave it a go sorta. Argh yeh i hope i said something sorta useful lol 8O
It might not even be you that is worsening his real life situation but more that it's just that time when people are gonna move away from him.....so this would probably of happened anyway and it's good that he's got you kinda thing.
Not sure where i'm going with this lol, but gotta say it's cool that your prepared to do what your doing though, whatever you decide on doing.
I guess you have to get through to him somehow and get him to think about his future, worst case scenario is that he stops talking to you (seriously doubt that) which is kinda what you were debating about (obviously in a nicer way) but at least you gave it a go sorta. Argh yeh i hope i said something sorta useful lol 8O
krs2snow
Well-known member
I think it is really wonderful and insightful of you to consider your role in your friends life and ponder the effects it may be having. One thing that struck me though is... are you much older than he? It just seems like you are more mature than a 16 year old and I was curious to know. I am in no way trying to offend you here, but I think that may be an important element of your friendship. If you are older, he may become more dependent on you than if you were the same age. It certainly sounds like you are concerned and want to do what is best for him though. Is there any way you could voice your concerns to one of his family members without breaching his trust?
alter_ego
Well-known member
Mystiah, it's fantastic that you're so supportive of this guy who, to me, obviously suffers from some form of social anxiety. You sound a very patient and caring person.
It's interesting that you say your bf referred to him as your "bro" because as I was reading I thought there was a lot of older sister/kid brother in the online relationship. It's up to you of course but my advice would be to emphasise the way you regard him as a favourite kid bro every time you get in touch. I don't think it's good for him to maybe fall in love with you (as, from what you've said, I doubt you'd ever meet up and anyway you already have a real-life relationship and friends) but it IS good for him to have such a brilliant and genuinely caring friend even tho it's only online.
You don't have to take any abusive posts no matter what his problems. Maybe you could say in a jokey way "Hey, just you remember you're talking to your older sister here so less of the cheek, sonny" and often remind him that he's "greatest kid bro ever" and was brilliant when you needed some brotherly emotional support
Hope maybe that helps. He's incredibly lucky to have such a true friend.
It's interesting that you say your bf referred to him as your "bro" because as I was reading I thought there was a lot of older sister/kid brother in the online relationship. It's up to you of course but my advice would be to emphasise the way you regard him as a favourite kid bro every time you get in touch. I don't think it's good for him to maybe fall in love with you (as, from what you've said, I doubt you'd ever meet up and anyway you already have a real-life relationship and friends) but it IS good for him to have such a brilliant and genuinely caring friend even tho it's only online.
You don't have to take any abusive posts no matter what his problems. Maybe you could say in a jokey way "Hey, just you remember you're talking to your older sister here so less of the cheek, sonny" and often remind him that he's "greatest kid bro ever" and was brilliant when you needed some brotherly emotional support
Hope maybe that helps. He's incredibly lucky to have such a true friend.
krs2snow
Well-known member
Hi Mystiah. Thank you for sharing your story. I think you'll find many people on here are willing to read your posts and offer what advice, support they can.
I am sorry to say this but I am seeing red flags.
I think what alter ego posted was right on the money as far as commenting to your friend that he is a great kid brother. However, I don't get the impression that you or your friend view this relationship as brotherly/sisterly. Instead, I get the impression you are head-over-heels in love with this young man. And he with you. Am I correct? If this is in fact the case, I think this fact trumps everything else and I don't think you can offer much help until you clear this part up. I think you really need to tread lightly in this situation. In many states and across the world, your friend is still legally a minor until the age of 18 and it concerns me on a number of levels to read about your situation.
Since you are the adult in the relationship, it is up to you to set the tone. You need to make it clear, in no uncertain terms, that this is a platonic relationship and your feelings for him are as a friend- nothing more. You are at an age where you are most likely looking forward to stability, marriage and children. Your friend is in a completely different stage of life. He is most likely looking forward to prom, graduation, and college. (maybe not so much if he is suffering from SA but, you get my point) I know you've said he is very mature for his age but he has yet to experience life out in the world. It seems to me you are most likely getting abuse from him because he is still, in many ways, a child. And a child who is feeling rejected will often lash out, having not the maturity nor the resources to draw upon to act any other way. Over all, your relationship raises quite a few questions, at least for me. Why would an intelligent woman 25 yrs of age turn to a young 16 yr. old boy for emotional support? Do other people know the full extent of your friendship with the young man? What do his parents think? Do his parents know the extent of which the two of you talk? What do your parents think?
Also, I think people all too often compartmentalize their world. Using terms such as "real life" this or that. There is only one life and it is all real. Online or otherwise. Often times, especially for someone suffering with SA, the online part of life can feel like all there is.
I am sorry to say this but I am seeing red flags.
I think what alter ego posted was right on the money as far as commenting to your friend that he is a great kid brother. However, I don't get the impression that you or your friend view this relationship as brotherly/sisterly. Instead, I get the impression you are head-over-heels in love with this young man. And he with you. Am I correct? If this is in fact the case, I think this fact trumps everything else and I don't think you can offer much help until you clear this part up. I think you really need to tread lightly in this situation. In many states and across the world, your friend is still legally a minor until the age of 18 and it concerns me on a number of levels to read about your situation.
Since you are the adult in the relationship, it is up to you to set the tone. You need to make it clear, in no uncertain terms, that this is a platonic relationship and your feelings for him are as a friend- nothing more. You are at an age where you are most likely looking forward to stability, marriage and children. Your friend is in a completely different stage of life. He is most likely looking forward to prom, graduation, and college. (maybe not so much if he is suffering from SA but, you get my point) I know you've said he is very mature for his age but he has yet to experience life out in the world. It seems to me you are most likely getting abuse from him because he is still, in many ways, a child. And a child who is feeling rejected will often lash out, having not the maturity nor the resources to draw upon to act any other way. Over all, your relationship raises quite a few questions, at least for me. Why would an intelligent woman 25 yrs of age turn to a young 16 yr. old boy for emotional support? Do other people know the full extent of your friendship with the young man? What do his parents think? Do his parents know the extent of which the two of you talk? What do your parents think?
Also, I think people all too often compartmentalize their world. Using terms such as "real life" this or that. There is only one life and it is all real. Online or otherwise. Often times, especially for someone suffering with SA, the online part of life can feel like all there is.
krs2snow
Well-known member
Hi Mystiah. Everything being said, I think your friend is really lucky to have you in his life. You seem like a very conscientious girl and you definitely seem to be concerned for your friend and your and his situation. I can identify with the emotionally detached boyfriend. My boyfriend is somewhat the same and I find it really frustrating at times. Are you able to really talk with your bf? Maybe letting him know the truth of what’s going on and what you’re missing from him is a good idea. [Oh, and let him know you don't expect him to fulfill every need but at least be tuned in!! (his comment makes me mad! :evil: my bf says crap like that and I want to smack him!)... ehem **shakes out hair and sits up taller** anyway…]
You know, things don't have to end between you and your online friend. Maybe just re-defining your relationship with him- at least for the time being- and encouraging him to talk to his parents about you/his life is a start. Bringing your relationship into the light of day might be a wonderful new beginning for you both. It might also open the channels for you to one day share some of your concerns with them. And, heck, who knows what the future holds! Don’t beat yourself up for having feelings. Just follow what you know to be right and things will work out in the end. You have a good head on your shoulders. I think working to reconnect with your live-in bf, putting things into a new perspective with your online friend, and encouraging him to talk with those nearest him is a great start.
You know, things don't have to end between you and your online friend. Maybe just re-defining your relationship with him- at least for the time being- and encouraging him to talk to his parents about you/his life is a start. Bringing your relationship into the light of day might be a wonderful new beginning for you both. It might also open the channels for you to one day share some of your concerns with them. And, heck, who knows what the future holds! Don’t beat yourself up for having feelings. Just follow what you know to be right and things will work out in the end. You have a good head on your shoulders. I think working to reconnect with your live-in bf, putting things into a new perspective with your online friend, and encouraging him to talk with those nearest him is a great start.