moonshadow
Member
It's hard for me to write this because I feel so ashamed and pathetic, but I think I should tell someone before I go mad. If anyone can relate to my situation, I'd appreciate you saying so.
In the grand scale of things, this is probably the least of my problems. But right now it feels very big. You see, I'm very anxious in the presence of my brother... unbearably anxious. It's gotten to a point where I feel so afraid that I actually hide in the bathroom whenever he comes to visit. The problem started when he left home. Suddenly I wasn't seeing much of him anymore, until over time he became a virtual stranger to me. I've noticed when you live with someone it's acceptable to be silent together. I can sit in a room with my parents without saying a single word, and that's okay. No "hello's" or "how are you's" - we see each other all the time, there's no obligation to converse (and ironically, it's exactly THAT which makes conversation come easily). However when my brother visits I feel enormous pressure to talk, and thus cannot talk at all. The worst thing? He notices. He's told my mother on more than one occasion that I never talk to him. Not that I avoid him completely, it's just that our exchanges are brief and extremely awkward. I'm incapable of hiding my discomfort.
When it comes down to it, he's my brother. I shouldn't feel this way. If he could read this now, I know he'd be upset. But it has nothing to do with his character. He's a great person. When I hear him laughing with my other brother downstairs, I feel incredibly sad and wish I could be there laughing with them - but I've built this fear up in my head for such a long time that I can't imagine ever being able to. I live in fear of his visits, even going so far as to check my mother's phone to see if he's sent any text messages to say when he'll arrive. It's abnormal - crazy. I don't understand it and can't take much more of it.
For years I've isolated myself from society in an attempt to avoid the terrible awkwardness I feel around people, but anyone with sense knows that a problem on the *inside* won't go away when you shun the *outside*. :
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In the grand scale of things, this is probably the least of my problems. But right now it feels very big. You see, I'm very anxious in the presence of my brother... unbearably anxious. It's gotten to a point where I feel so afraid that I actually hide in the bathroom whenever he comes to visit. The problem started when he left home. Suddenly I wasn't seeing much of him anymore, until over time he became a virtual stranger to me. I've noticed when you live with someone it's acceptable to be silent together. I can sit in a room with my parents without saying a single word, and that's okay. No "hello's" or "how are you's" - we see each other all the time, there's no obligation to converse (and ironically, it's exactly THAT which makes conversation come easily). However when my brother visits I feel enormous pressure to talk, and thus cannot talk at all. The worst thing? He notices. He's told my mother on more than one occasion that I never talk to him. Not that I avoid him completely, it's just that our exchanges are brief and extremely awkward. I'm incapable of hiding my discomfort.
When it comes down to it, he's my brother. I shouldn't feel this way. If he could read this now, I know he'd be upset. But it has nothing to do with his character. He's a great person. When I hear him laughing with my other brother downstairs, I feel incredibly sad and wish I could be there laughing with them - but I've built this fear up in my head for such a long time that I can't imagine ever being able to. I live in fear of his visits, even going so far as to check my mother's phone to see if he's sent any text messages to say when he'll arrive. It's abnormal - crazy. I don't understand it and can't take much more of it.
For years I've isolated myself from society in an attempt to avoid the terrible awkwardness I feel around people, but anyone with sense knows that a problem on the *inside* won't go away when you shun the *outside*. :
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