Almost 25 years old, and never had a girlfriend...

[latin_londoner]

This is quite painful for me. I'm 25 years old and never had a girlfriend. Not quite sure why this is, but as far back as my early teens I've been very shy around women. I really don't know what happened to me, and feel there's somthing fundamentally wrong with me. Sometimes feel like I was born under a bad star, or cursed or something, and deep down absulutely can't beleive I've never been in a relationship, as even some disabled people , and people with serious problems have had romantic relationships by this age.
Get annoyed when people say that they just "fell into a relationship" or that "relationships form on their own" and crap like that! How can relationships "just happen"? I've been around a lot of women and know relationships don't just happen. It takes a lot of effort and guts and confidence on the man's part. It seems that unless a man asks a woman out (in exactly the way she wants), and takes the lead EVERY SINGLE STEP OF THE WAY, a relationship will never happen. Seems also like if the man doesn't do everything ABSOLUTELY PERFECTLY during a date, the woman will get rid of him. People who say that romantic relationships form on their own are liars. Why has one never formed for me?
Get upset and jealous a lot as I walk down the street and see couples together kissing, or holding hands, and wishing I could be with that woman instead of him. Haven't had sex in nearly six years, and I REALLY miss the feeling of holding a woman's body close to mine while making love to her

When ever I've asked a woman out they always have a boyfriend, or it never goes beyond the first date, and I take rejection very poorly. Feel so much anger, anxiety, hurt, confusion and stress about dating women it's unbelievable. Been told I'm attractive, so guess that's not the problem. Guess it's a combination of shyness, fear of rejection, very bad luck, and that I just don't know what to do to make a woman my lover/girlfriend.
Hated, I mean REALLY hated women for a while, coz was constanly being turned-down by them, or they played games with me, or chose other men over me. Now I don't even ask them out anymore. Even felt like committing suicide a few times, but I know that won't solve anything. Want to be with someone so badly, and hold her close, you have no idea how much...

 

[ShyBeliever]

You´re still young man. Try to work some basic things in your appearance like changing your cloth style, hairstyle, do some workout, etc and try to get out more. You just have to train your conversations with women and you just have to go for it like begining a conversation with your female colleagues, neighbours, etc etc. You just have to do something. Have positive thinking man. Sooner or later things will work for you if you persist.
I wish all the good luck for you!

 

[SocialRetahd]

you're probably being too nice.

 

[blushing_red-head]

don't worry, it will happen (and i'm not just being nice). i know a girl who is 27 and has exactly the same problem. do you work with women? i think that proximity is the key to relationships. maybe just try and make sure that you put yourself in lots of situations where there are women. do you have any hobbies? club meetings are a great place to meet people with similar interests. that way you have a better chance at a good relationship rather than just a relationship with anyone. have you ever considered a dating service like lava life? i know a few people who do that and they seem to have dates like every night of the week. good luck and don't give up!

 

[Some_guy]

If there is something wrong it's most likely not with you, but in the way you act which can be changed. Women may SAY that they want a nice guy but submissive men are in truth not attractive to them

 

[SocialRetahd]

If you are very good looking you don't need many skills, from what i've seen.

 

[IBM]

you're not alone. I'm on the same boat though you had sex.

 

[dzerklis]

im in the same boat too. im 24. i have been close to having relationships couple of times but it didnt work out. im just too shy and socially retarded plus i have mutism. that is very nice package :?

don't worry, it will happen

when? :evil:

 

[SocialRetahd]

Can't blame them...

I'm A LOT worse off than most of you, but I'm gonna work at it. I'm gonna work at even if it takes 20 years. Sure, some guys are born with the looks, personality, confidence, etc. But that doesn't mean I'm gonna let them have all the fun.

 

[IBM]

yeah when it will happen? From my experience, which is a bunch of failure and frustration, never.

 

[Joey28]

I used to be in a similar situation, but got into a serious, long-term relationship after some hurtful sexual envounters i came to regret afterwards. You articulate you're feelings toward this particular subject so close to mine that it makes the hair stand out on my skin. You describe the subject in almost mystical terms. And that is how I feel as well: Mystified. Mystified because I can't find one single theory or hypothesis that explains why good men should lose to men that in my opinion are less entitled and suited for intimate relationships.

I don't know if this is common knowledge here in the forums, but Brian Gilmartin has written a book that sheds som light on social anxiety: "Love & Shyness: Causes, Consequences, and Treatment" (1987). In this book, Gilmartin among other things claims that "love shyness" is a particular form of mental illness that chiefly is found among men, because women aren't expected to take initiative, and therefore are able to form normal, successful relationships.

 

[rado31]

Nothing useful of me, so pick the next message in the thread Lol


I think that being such a loner and extreme shy i even developed a some kind of barrier over me, that it aint easily to break. I dont feel so much sexually frustrated , rather love frustrated. It seemes that i dont much fit or match to anybody and it is kinda getting worse. I escaped from a girl who initiated contact recently. She is beautiful looking. I used to to this in the past to some degree, but i have had some alter ego changes rarely though, in which i could act as initiator of relation. but now i m completely shut down.

 

[Meee]

Well, you have had sex, at least that's something eh? I get the feeling i'll die before i manage to get anywhere with a girl. Ridiculous but probably true. I'm not attractive, and i'm not saying that because of low self esteem.. i'm actually quite comfortable with who i am now. It's just that i'm one of the few people who managed to fall off the ugly tree and seemingly hit every branch on the way down. Add to that the fact that i'm not in a position to meet any women unless i go to clubs and such (which are my idea of hell), and nothing will ever happen.

Just treat it as you would any friendship and see where it goes!

See, that's nice, but what about those of us who are so screwed up we can't even fathom out simple things like friendship? I've tried joining groups for people with the same interests as me, and all i found were small groups with cliques that were impossible for a social idiot like me to get into. Tried forming friendships with work colleagues - no luck. What else is there i can do? Sometimes i think i'm looking for something that doesn't actually exist.

It doesn't really bother me too much anymore, but still, i'm obviously missing out on a large portion of life if i can't manage to achieve anything socially.

I should probably start my own threads for this sort of crap. Sorry.

 

[Horatio]

message of hope...

I was in similiar situation. Im 24 years old and it wasnt until the last six months that things changed for me.

I'd been through depression and sp since I was 15, to the extent that when I was 21 I would only leave my room once a week and only at night time (to replinish my cola supplies from the late night service station) Even at the age of 22 whenever I saw a girl I would look down at my feet, scared that by looking at them I would imply sexual interest and experience instant rejection.

Im still no casanova, meeting girls and forming relationships is probably the most difficult issue I still face thanks to a combination of my lack of experience and my physical appearance. BUT in the last six months Ive been on a number of dates, dated one girl for a month (who turned out to be a stripper - woops!), experienced my first kiss and cuddle for 7 years, lost my virginity and had my first proper girlfriend (and first proper breakup when she ditched me cause I had to move out of town for work for 3 months)

The point is... dont give up hope! Things changed pretty much overnight for me and even though I still struggle with the issue I now know that once in a while if I put myself out there then I actually have a chance to meet and interact with cute chicks.

This is all despite my appearance. Im very overweight and not naturally good looking at all. In fact I'd go as far as saying that in 5 out of 6 bars/clubs that I go to I would be the ugliest guy there and Im not just saying that. I know I had bad luck in the gene pool and a significant argument with that ugly tree and my weight certainly doesn't help either, but I also know that even a small amount of inner confidence and a little bit of humour/charm will once in a blue moon see me through.

The key is to not focus on your lack of experience, sure for most guys their experience is the source of their confidence but instead you can embed the source of your confidence into your personality. Be confident in knowing that your the most interesting guy in the room, the kindest, the sweetest, the most unique and therfore the best catch out there. Your not like other guys who take chicks for granted, you may not be experienced but the girl who gets you will no doubt be treated like a princess yeah?

Its easier said than done and I aint no expert myself (hell Im absolutely fed up with not being given a chance by most chicks cause of my looks!) but I always remind myself that I know that some cute chicks do dig me if I give them a chance, and I dont need every chick to like me, just need the one and I can do that and so can you.

 

[Meee]

Thanks for that, Horatio

How did you manage to change, though? And where did you meet the girls you've been on dates with?

 

[Spearmint]

..

 

[SocialRetahd]

I'd been through depression and sp since I was 15, to the extent that when I was 21 I would only leave my room once a week and only at night time (to replinish my cola supplies from the late night service station) Even at the age of 22 whenever I saw a girl I would look down at my feet, scared that by looking at them I would imply sexual interest and experience instant rejection.

This is where i am now (to a T), how the hell did you so successfully get yourself out of this hole?

He said, "fuck it", and stopped caring what people think. I guess if you realize that having a gf is not as great as you imagine it to be, than it isn't that hard, but what the hell do I know?

I do know that I hate giving advice because I can't use any of my own advice.

 

[Horatio]

Thanks for that, Horatio

How did you manage to change, though? And where did you meet the girls you've been on dates with?

Met the first one through an internet dating site and finally met after chatting online for months, my last girlfriend I met through my flatmate, other girls that I have hung out with/been on dates with I've met through work, mutual friends and a few from bars.

This is where i am now (to a T), how the hell did you so successfully get yourself out of this hole?

SocialRetahd summed it up, haha. The turning point pretty much stemmed from a change in attitude, at the time I posted it on this forum

http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/postt8326.html

It seems to have worked pretty well for me in the 11 or so months since that change. I've often since beat myself up for not switching my mindset a lot earlier than I did but with hindsight I can see that there was a lot of things I had to work through first.

Its difficult for me to give advice as I know that no two situations are ever going to be the same. All I can say is what worked for me. Although the turning point I posted in the above thread was certainly the biggest step I took there was a whole heap of work I'd done in the previous few years.

The first reccomendation I can make is look at any outside negative influences.

Living with my folks wasn't helping me, being unemployed wasn't helping me and my negative friends weren't helping so I found a job in another city and moved there.

Im not sure if such drastic steps are always needed but definetly take a good hard look at the people who surround you. If they are pulling you down then distance yourself from them. If your work situation is not ideal then take a look at it.

Basically as best you can try to cut off any negative influence. If you want to turn around your thinking from negative to positive and lift your self esteem then the last thing you need is a bunch of people tearing you down on a daily basis. It is better to be surrounded by strangers than "friends" or family that tear you down.

With regards to increasing social interaction it is literally one step at a time. Look for the least intimidating stranger in your neighbourhood with the most reason for YOU to interact with him. For me that was the elderly Asian man selling fish and chips on the street corner. I was his customer, I didnt find him socially threatening and a simple "hi" grew to brief conversations about the weather. Rinse and repeat with the next least intimidating stranger, perhaps the middle aged bus driver. For months my only interaction was with taxi drivers and supermarket workers (at that stage I'd always line up in the aisle with the oldest person so I didnt end up being served by a chick my own age) But at least this was more interaction than sitting in my room and never speaking to anyone.

Eventually I got to the stage where I'd go to bars by myself. Im not sure if Id reccomend this to anyone else but it did work for me. I went to the same places each week, sat there by myself and once in a while someone would talk to me. I wont lie, the alcohol really really helped. I basically became on good terms with the local bar staff (including some cute chicks!) It probably took about ten months to get from chatting to the elderly man at the chip shop to conversing with cute bar staff but that was a pretty crucial jump for me. It was about at that same time I had my major revelation and ran with it. Since then things have gone from strength to strength. About a month ago I hosted a party for about 50 - 60 people and had an absolute blast. Hosting a party was something that I never thought I'd be capable of.

I still regret all those years that I lost but am glad to be moving in the right direction (even though I still have a lot of issues to sort through, I call it my SP hangover) If it werent for my appearance then the relationship thing would be signficantly easier to master, in fact Im sure chicks would be all over me :lol:

 

[coriander1992]

don't you just wish the whole love thing was as easy as it is on that car advert...where the guy asks the girl to get married, have kids, a dog etc...?
wouldn't that just be better for everybody? :lol:

 

[dave7352]

coriander1992 Yes. Yes I do the first time I saw that advert I thought I wish it was that easy that would just be wonderful