I hear you!
My issues are much the same as yours except...I just have the problem of interacting with people. I don't seem to _specifically_ any of the other issues like writing in front of people. Wait a minute! In reality, I have some difficulty doing anything with other people around me in _any_ situations in which I might be subject ( in my imagination, at least ) to scrutiny. I'm not joking here. I'm thinking about what bothers me as I write...it's all kind of spontaneous. I've known that I'm a SPic for a long time ( since 1991 ), but more recently concluded that I more likely suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
But alcohol is the issue here AFAIC. I used to do what you are doing--that being self-medication with alcohol. Like you, I didn't feel comfortable around people, even friends, until I had at least a couple beers in me. Of course, I didn't stop at a couple beers. When I was home alone, I drank and all my anxiety (over work and personal matters) and depression magically disappeared. It was great. I exercised sometimes also, which had roughly the same effect. But drinking was the magic elixir.
Here's the problem with alcohol. This may or may not happen to you, as it did with me. I started to drink more frequently and also more alcohol when I did drink. I was losing control. My health was suffering. My psychiatrist and I talked about my drinking. We tried various strategies to reduce my drinking, but none worked. Finally, in a session he went over all my strategies and my failures in reducing my drinking, and he asked me point blank "do you think you are an alcoholic?" I was like a deer caught in the headlights. He had very gently and cleverly talked me into concluding, on my own, that I was an alcoholic. I answered "yes". I started going to AA meetings and quit drinking.
I'm proud to say that my last drink was a six-pack on Memorial Day of 1992. Life and had its ups and _major_ downs since then, but I have not drank since then. My life changed. I began to see who I was more clearly--not easy to face, but worth it.
Bottom line: I would hate to see you blunder down the same path I was on. Many people don't make it back from where I was. Two people I've known died from drinking--both choked to death _alone_ on blood from bleeding ulcers that were caused by or made worse by alcohol. I've heard of people ( this seems incredible, but it's true ) who needed alcohol so badly, that they crawled under cars and opened the radiator drain and drank the coolant. I'm guessing that they didn't live very long.
Last Bottom line: I have nothing against alcohol. I refuse to say that you are an alcoholic. Only you can determine whether you are an alcoholic. I _do_ think you should talk to a professional or go to some AA meetings. If what you hear at AA meetings sounds like crap, you're not ready to be there. If what you hear at some AA meetings from other people sounds exactly like what you might say about yourself, keep going. Talk at meetings and hang on--it's white knuckle time. If you make it, your life will change in so many ways.
End of lecture. I only wrote what I did because you sound like you are on exactly the same path I was on. One question: can you stop drinking for one month, simply voluntarily? I'm going to bet the answer is "no". I'll buy you a beer if I'm wrong.
Reply to this post and let me know if you want talk offline. Reply anyway if you want. good luck
