AHHHHHHHHHH!!!

[Downwardspiral]

I feel like I'm going to burst...
I have all this ..i dunno building up...anger..jealousy ...mistrust..sadness..hopelessness..
All day I sit around and listen to my best friend talk about her lovely little life...she has her mom buying her clothes and whatever she needs...nothing bad happens to her...she may be really sensitive but she is the easiest person to cheer up...her parents have raised her in such a way that she is almost delusional...I tell her i'm practically out of gas and she says..well go get more...I'm broke...she says just put a lil in then...I DON"T HAVE ANY MONEY...she is so used to her parents just automatically doing everything without her ever having to worry that she thinks its always that way...It's gotten so bad that I've been straight forward with her about life..and all she does is cry...few minutes later..she's fine..took nothing i said to heart...

Life never stopped taking a giant shit on me...
No one told me that when I turned 18 my parents would stop caring a great deal more than they already had...
I'm too...shy? trapped in my shell? to ask my dad for anything...this family can't buy groceries on a regular basis much less do anything extra...
My mom is living off disability/social security...I tell her how i haven't gotten new clothes of any sort in two almost three years...and she says.."Well you are eighteen now"
Yeah..thank you for reminding me I'm one of the only one of my friends who got shit canned on my birthday...
I CAN"T EVEN GET A JOB
they either aren't hiring or they just wont hire me...I don't have experience and i can't get it if no one hires me....
Even my boyfriend who's mother doesn't like him all that much ...he still manages to get new clothes whenever he needs them...
My father's wife manages to get her precious air headed daughter whatever she wants...but these people are so cheap...i'm sure my dad would rather buy himself a new hard drive than think about spending more than twenty bucks on some clothes...
I babysit..that's all i do..and its barely enough to pay my phone bill every month..
does anyone care? no.
Life is so pointless...why do we waste our time..going into debt to go to college to MAYBE get a job doing something slightly more advanced than uncollege educated people...we all die...nothing we do ..in the long run..will make a difference..this world is going to hell in a hand basket you'd have to blind deaf and dumb not to see it...but no..I can't even get a basic job to scrape by on...meet my basic needs...so what does that tell me...Just sit there a little longer till you really can't take it anymore?
sounds fun right?
I'm running out of space on my arms for my "art work" as someone once called it...
It wont get rid of these feelings though...none of it will...
ever noticed how this life seems more like someone's sick idea of a game than reality?
and we are surrounded by stupidity and we can't do anything to stop it..
gangs..have no point..they are stunting their own growth in life as well as their communities...
so many things...pointless...
and the people ...like the people in my "family" like my father's wife...who have grown up in these little ignorant bubbles..where they base life off of stereotypes...they don't know REAL people...like my best friend...they are childish...gullible...but hey ignorance is bliss right?
Lucky them for not knowing how this feels...
Slowly, day by day picking apart the world around you..
None of it even matters..
My thoughts don't...
i may matter to people today...
but I know from experience that people move the hell on...
And my dad tells me "there are only two choices in life right and wrong"
wow...awesome huh? and another great piece of wisdom from him..
"You have to choose to be happy or choose to keep being depressed"
I wanted to laugh...
yes dad...please hold while i totally change everything and choose to be happy..how silly of me for sitting here being depressed for the past what? 7...8 years? gosh...if only i'd known...
It is truly maddening...
and my only escape is my downfall i'm sure...
MJ. Amazing because it lets you escape, after awhile you can't tell realtiy from dreams..you forget..
but its illegal..despite the fact it hasn't killed anyone...yet..cigarettes and alcohol kill people everyday...
people actually give mj to cancer patients..but cigs and alcohol..last thing you want a cancer patient having...
Yet if on the rare rare RARE chance i get hired...all that could be lost because of that...i'd rather slip away into my hazey bubble than be once again thwarted by stupidity...
why does this keep happening ...
Why are these people in charge?
I'm at my breaking point...
And today...
Was no break from this lovely world...
my uncle has cancer and i thought he was actually doing better..everyone did..even he did...
today he went back to the hospital..
Hope is not something i really quite believe in anymore...
what's the point?
Honestly?
Enlighten me please...

 

[Ericisme]

Well if you can't get a job try to get SSI\disability just like your mom. Who said you need a cell phone? I am 18 and I have never had a cell phone, but then again I haven't had any friends in the past 2-3 years. So your best chance is try to get SSI\disability.

 

[lettypagb]

sounds like matilda's family ,that lil girl in the movie ,yeah that one ...
i dunno maan u should try go to army.

 

[joeljjison]

I really feel for you. A lot of this sounds so familiar. Certainly the emotions and the outlook. You have to worry so much about the little shit, money, that its completely impossible to think about anything unrelated that you really want... it sounds like u need a friend who understands that money is not something that is handed out on a silver platter.. perhaps a musician..

my situation is that i dont get on with my parents significantly... they are in the money, but they think that is all life is about. they want me to give up music and do something 'worthwhile' (i know that its what i love doing.. and i have to be somewhat capable to have a degree in jazz).. i was very depressed during uni, and 6 months before the end, a friend helped me reach the conclusion that my target should be to move out. just before we finished the course, i formed a plan to move in with 3 others. i was sure i could get a job in 3 months.. but like you, no experience no job... how the fuck are we meant to get the experience? all i can really say to that.. i dont know what country your in.. but if theres any kind of benefits to people who are looking for a job.. apply for them.

what sort of job are you looking for? the main thing with the search is to just apply for stuff everyday, so that you can't regret not trying. even if your heart gives up, keep automatically trying. have you gone through all the supermarkets? charity shops? maybe do some volunteer work to add some experience to your CV. Losing that time does cost you money, but time can buy you experience.. also fear not. Its christmas coming up. Christmas temp time!

its true that nothing we do makes a difference.. and life is pointless.. sartre said 'every existing thing is born without reason, prolongs itself out of weakness, and dies by chance'. i agree with you.. and most people are blind deaf and dumb. people sacrifice years of their life... for what... basic needs. that is capitalism for you, but i won't get more political unless your actually interested.

nonetheless.. if you have a job, and have some security for basic things, ie your clothes and travel... you can start to think about what you really want to do rather than what you need to do. When you have a goal, it doesn't matter if life is pointless, because there will always be someone else with that goal who shares understanding with you. Somebody who could be a great friend, who understands what your going through and what your going to go through. I am so lucky in that respect, though i am always scared i'm going to lose them..

tackle things one at time. our society has a way of forcing money to be the milestone for percieved happiness. that is wrong.. if all to life is money, then there is really nothing to live for. you don't need to have blind hope. in life anything can happen, and its more likely it will be something shit that happens. jesus is a good ignorance is bliss solution, if you like that kind of thing. if you don't, just try to get basic money, and find a point to your life. nobodies life has any point really.. you have to make your own. like i keep repeating myself, with a target you have something to live for... have you considered teaching english in a foreign country? gives you a chance to escape.. theres alot of companies that do it, and you don't need qualifications or the language.

your dad sounds like a bit of a prat tbh... my parents are the sort of people id hate for sure if they weren't mine and just random people i met, and all my problems are indirectly a result of them giving birth selfishly..

i dont really have any good persuasive arguments against art work, seeing as i self harm in a different way, and i dont really regret it. i only dont cut because i have a bit of a phobia of blood. for me, a good emulation of what i get out of my method is meditation.

so recap- my way of looking at things says - get some financial security. just a bit. then start thinking about what you really want, and move towards it with your arms outstretched. dont succumb till you've had a chance to do that.

 

[Downwardspiral]

I really feel for you. A lot of this sounds so familiar. Certainly the emotions and the outlook. You have to worry so much about the little shit, money, that its completely impossible to think about anything unrelated that you really want... it sounds like u need a friend who understands that money is not something that is handed out on a silver platter.. perhaps a musician..

my situation is that i dont get on with my parents significantly... they are in the money, but they think that is all life is about. they want me to give up music and do something 'worthwhile' (i know that its what i love doing.. and i have to be somewhat capable to have a degree in jazz).. i was very depressed during uni, and 6 months before the end, a friend helped me reach the conclusion that my target should be to move out. just before we finished the course, i formed a plan to move in with 3 others. i was sure i could get a job in 3 months.. but like you, no experience no job... how the fuck are we meant to get the experience? all i can really say to that.. i dont know what country your in.. but if theres any kind of benefits to people who are looking for a job.. apply for them.

what sort of job are you looking for? the main thing with the search is to just apply for stuff everyday, so that you can't regret not trying. even if your heart gives up, keep automatically trying. have you gone through all the supermarkets? charity shops? maybe do some volunteer work to add some experience to your CV. Losing that time does cost you money, but time can buy you experience.. also fear not. Its christmas coming up. Christmas temp time!

its true that nothing we do makes a difference.. and life is pointless.. sartre said 'every existing thing is born without reason, prolongs itself out of weakness, and dies by chance'. i agree with you.. and most people are blind deaf and dumb. people sacrifice years of their life... for what... basic needs. that is capitalism for you, but i won't get more political unless your actually interested.

nonetheless.. if you have a job, and have some security for basic things, ie your clothes and travel... you can start to think about what you really want to do rather than what you need to do. When you have a goal, it doesn't matter if life is pointless, because there will always be someone else with that goal who shares understanding with you. Somebody who could be a great friend, who understands what your going through and what your going to go through. I am so lucky in that respect, though i am always scared i'm going to lose them..

tackle things one at time. our society has a way of forcing money to be the milestone for percieved happiness. that is wrong.. if all to life is money, then there is really nothing to live for. you don't need to have blind hope. in life anything can happen, and its more likely it will be something shit that happens. jesus is a good ignorance is bliss solution, if you like that kind of thing. if you don't, just try to get basic money, and find a point to your life. nobodies life has any point really.. you have to make your own. like i keep repeating myself, with a target you have something to live for... have you considered teaching english in a foreign country? gives you a chance to escape.. theres alot of companies that do it, and you don't need qualifications or the language.

your dad sounds like a bit of a prat tbh... my parents are the sort of people id hate for sure if they weren't mine and just random people i met, and all my problems are indirectly a result of them giving birth selfishly..

i dont really have any good persuasive arguments against art work, seeing as i self harm in a different way, and i dont really regret it. i only dont cut because i have a bit of a phobia of blood. for me, a good emulation of what i get out of my method is meditation.

so recap- my way of looking at things says - get some financial security. just a bit. then start thinking about what you really want, and move towards it with your arms outstretched. dont succumb till you've had a chance to do that.

Thank you sooo much for that...Your words were very encouraging and i appreciate you taking the time to tell me all of that.
I will definitely take heed of your words