*advice on how to support my friend*

[anatty]

Hi,

Basically, I am involved with someone with avoidant personality disorder. At first, it was all new to me, very confusing, and I admit, I didn't understand it at all! :question:

Anyway, since then, I have done a HUGE amount of research on the subject, plus I have the experience of dealing with the person I am involved with.

I would just really like to ask, if anyone has any advice on how I can be some kind of support to him?

It's really difficult... if I show that I care too much, try to give advice etc, he retreats into his shell and doesn't want to know. Yet, when he has felt comfortable himself, and brought it up himself, on his own terms, he has managed to share things with me. I feel really privileged that he has been able to trust me enough, to talk to me about these things, even if only very little.

It's just hard because I love and care for this person so much, that I want to be able to help, reassure etc.... but if I demonstrate TOO much love for him, he freaks out and does a runner!

I just wonder what kind of support you would like, from someone like me, if you were in our shoes? :question:

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

 

[anatty]

also may i add that in the past i had my own problems with depression, anxiety, panic attacks, social anxiety disorder.... although i am over these things now, and consider myself to be happy, i experienced for many years what can only be described as hell on earth .... so this makes me particularly bothered about my friend, i guess because i know how awful it is. i'd do anything to take away his unhappiness, if i could.

 

[BlackPuma]

Maybe that solution is in your current methods. Like you said, too much will send him running and too little will maybe make him feel like you don't care. So a balance, as you've already been using, seems like the best way.

And whenever you feel like you've got a good suggestion, maybe instead of discussing it in a broad and elaborate manner, you could perhaps try to subtly plant to seed of the suggestion and allow him to ask you to elaborate. As in letting him know you've got a suggestion, and inviting him to engage you on his own terms instead (for the time being at least).

It's possible that you'll get to be more bold with it as the relationship goes on, but it of course remains an inherently sensitive issue. If I may draw from my own experience, talking about it may make him feel very vulnerable, and some strength and security is required for such a mental state. It's always a good idea of be as objective as possible, and diffuse emotional strain (negative and positive) when you're discussing it.

 

[anatty]

cool, thanks so much for the reply

the more restrained method of support is a recent thing.

before that, i was quite pushy when it came to trying to direct him, give advice, say LOOK you need to listen to me or else !! this all just served to freak him out.. i don't think he likes to dwell on things too much. he gets very anxious. and i guess he doesn't want to appear 'weak' etc.

so yeah this balance of not too much/not too little is what i am now aiming for. hope it works out .. :applause:

i love and care for this person so much, he is the most interesting and likeable person i have ever met in my eyes. shame that he can't see how lovely he is :sad: it breaks my heart that he seems to hate himself so much.. i just hope that one day he can feel happier in himself. he deserves it ... he just doesn't think he does. :crying:

anyway thank you so much for the reply, i really appreciate it.