de
Well-known member
i dont know what im meant to do.well i know what i should do which is go see my doctor but i have no fucking idea what im meant to start with just the thought of having to go and tell a doctor the problems im having is enough and has given me panic attacks.any advice from people who have gotten help will be greatly recieved.
i always had a mild form of social anxiety but it never caused me the same amount of anxiety it does now. as a kid i was freinds with everyone without having any good freinds i would float from one group to another.and as i got into my teens it was the same and actually in my early secondary school i was really popular and funny (god i miss that kid)and was mates with everyone and had time for everyone but i have always had this habit of ditching people or cutting people out after a certain pereiod of time and so i ditched the 1 group of good genuine freinds ive ever had to hang arond with tossers who i thought were the "cool gang" in actuallity i hated them and when was out with them i was a totally different person i would just sit in the corner and keep to myself to afraid to say anything in case i said somthing that would make them not like me and so it was hanging around with them combined with a cuple of bad childhood expereinces and a lot of class "a" drugs that my condition grew worse.i ditched them 3 years ago this month since i have cut my self off from everyone i was ever freinds with and spend my friday and saturday nights by myself and if i get invited to a birthday or any sort of social event i make an excuse or if i see someone from school when im out if i notice them before they see me ill avoid them by any means necessary
my one true talent in life is sport rugby in particular(when im playing well its the 1 place on earth im cofortable in control) without bragging about it ive been told bya few none biased sorces that im good enough to play professional but there is a lot of socialising to be done in rugby and i have had countless sleepless nights and panic attacks solely on the thought of walking into a changing room full of the lads;thoughts like should i say hello individually or collectivley drive me nuts and in the end i always end up not saying anything or waiting till someone else arrives and try slip in unnoticed with them to distract attention away from me and as i play out-half ,in the team meetings we discuss the previuos match or the game plan i sometimes get asked questions and as soon as i hear my name being said my body hits the panic overdrive button i stutter sweat and struggle to the point where i fell like doing a runner out the door and doing the world a favour and topping myself. anything i say at training or anywhere i always play over in my head for day months and years later and wish i said or done something differently.
but this season was going to be difffernt i was asked to join a new club where i knew no one so i thought yes a fresh start haha one of my more optimistic moments .i convinced myself if i want to get over this problem im going to have to do this so i did and after 3 months i still hadnt been able to have a conversation with anyone well none other then a bit of small talk which would usually end up the same way as any other time somebody trys to talk to me,beating myself up over something i said and wishing i said something differently.so i guess the lads started to talk about me ;rightly so i suppose, "whats wrong with the new guy". so i turned up slightly late for our pre training meeting one evening not late enough so it had started but late enough so everyone was seated the coaches were outside the room talikng i entered to total silence conversations were immediately stopped all eyes on me ,panic dosint begin to describe it just thinnking about it now is setting me off, anyway 1 of the guys fare play to him said "HELLO" i replied in a voice i have been unable to replicate to this day lol tried to say "hows it going" i took a seat at the front of the room with m back to everyone still total silence the guy next to me tried to get a conversation going but a bloke on the other side of the room started shouting at me i intially didnt hear him but i heard him the second time and at the top of his voice he shouted "are you gay". that set me off and i had a major panic attack probably the worst ive ever had shooting pains up and down the arm the works i had absolutely no control over my body or my tongue i tried to utter the word "no" but was literally frozen solid through panic.he shouted again still no responce and then the coaches walked in.absolutely everyone at that club thinks im gay now, if it was bad going to training before it was even worse after that episode; i managed to last the season without quitting which i think is a small victory for what has been the worst 12 months of my life so far.
any advice you can give me in relation to treatment or even just how you deal with daily activities will be greatly appreciated. apologeys for the boring and ridiculosly long life story i tried to keep it short lol
i always had a mild form of social anxiety but it never caused me the same amount of anxiety it does now. as a kid i was freinds with everyone without having any good freinds i would float from one group to another.and as i got into my teens it was the same and actually in my early secondary school i was really popular and funny (god i miss that kid)and was mates with everyone and had time for everyone but i have always had this habit of ditching people or cutting people out after a certain pereiod of time and so i ditched the 1 group of good genuine freinds ive ever had to hang arond with tossers who i thought were the "cool gang" in actuallity i hated them and when was out with them i was a totally different person i would just sit in the corner and keep to myself to afraid to say anything in case i said somthing that would make them not like me and so it was hanging around with them combined with a cuple of bad childhood expereinces and a lot of class "a" drugs that my condition grew worse.i ditched them 3 years ago this month since i have cut my self off from everyone i was ever freinds with and spend my friday and saturday nights by myself and if i get invited to a birthday or any sort of social event i make an excuse or if i see someone from school when im out if i notice them before they see me ill avoid them by any means necessary
my one true talent in life is sport rugby in particular(when im playing well its the 1 place on earth im cofortable in control) without bragging about it ive been told bya few none biased sorces that im good enough to play professional but there is a lot of socialising to be done in rugby and i have had countless sleepless nights and panic attacks solely on the thought of walking into a changing room full of the lads;thoughts like should i say hello individually or collectivley drive me nuts and in the end i always end up not saying anything or waiting till someone else arrives and try slip in unnoticed with them to distract attention away from me and as i play out-half ,in the team meetings we discuss the previuos match or the game plan i sometimes get asked questions and as soon as i hear my name being said my body hits the panic overdrive button i stutter sweat and struggle to the point where i fell like doing a runner out the door and doing the world a favour and topping myself. anything i say at training or anywhere i always play over in my head for day months and years later and wish i said or done something differently.
but this season was going to be difffernt i was asked to join a new club where i knew no one so i thought yes a fresh start haha one of my more optimistic moments .i convinced myself if i want to get over this problem im going to have to do this so i did and after 3 months i still hadnt been able to have a conversation with anyone well none other then a bit of small talk which would usually end up the same way as any other time somebody trys to talk to me,beating myself up over something i said and wishing i said something differently.so i guess the lads started to talk about me ;rightly so i suppose, "whats wrong with the new guy". so i turned up slightly late for our pre training meeting one evening not late enough so it had started but late enough so everyone was seated the coaches were outside the room talikng i entered to total silence conversations were immediately stopped all eyes on me ,panic dosint begin to describe it just thinnking about it now is setting me off, anyway 1 of the guys fare play to him said "HELLO" i replied in a voice i have been unable to replicate to this day lol tried to say "hows it going" i took a seat at the front of the room with m back to everyone still total silence the guy next to me tried to get a conversation going but a bloke on the other side of the room started shouting at me i intially didnt hear him but i heard him the second time and at the top of his voice he shouted "are you gay". that set me off and i had a major panic attack probably the worst ive ever had shooting pains up and down the arm the works i had absolutely no control over my body or my tongue i tried to utter the word "no" but was literally frozen solid through panic.he shouted again still no responce and then the coaches walked in.absolutely everyone at that club thinks im gay now, if it was bad going to training before it was even worse after that episode; i managed to last the season without quitting which i think is a small victory for what has been the worst 12 months of my life so far.
any advice you can give me in relation to treatment or even just how you deal with daily activities will be greatly appreciated. apologeys for the boring and ridiculosly long life story i tried to keep it short lol
