Advice from a recovering 29 year old virgin

[Juggernaut]

I maybe able to help some of you guys by telling you what’s been working for me. I'm 29 years old and still a virgin but in last few months I've gone to bed with two different women without being able to finish the job. When I turned 29 it really lit a fire under my ass knowing 30 was right around the corner. I’m scared to death I’m going to die a virgin. It’s hard not feeling ashamed being a virgin. My latest problem is I having problems getting and maintaining an erection do to the fact that I have so much negative emotion wrapped up with sex from years of painful longing. My anxiety stopped me both times. I loose my connection with her and get lost in my own head. Its like she fades away and I’m now looking at the world through a dense fog. So that part sucks but the second time I came closer so I know It’s just a mater of time till I can slow down enough to enjoy myself instead of feeling like I just want to get the sex over with. Each time I screw things up it throws me back into a depression but I just refuse to give up so I dust my self off and try again. There is no failure if you learn from your mistakes. During the time I spent with those two women I have never felt more alive. I’m now more willing to endure the pain I feel during my growth.

We really are creating are own reality. For example when I don’t think I’m going to be any good it bed well that’s exactly what will happen. If I don’t think someone is going to like me my mind automatically finds everything it can to support that statement and I my actions will reflect it.

What really changed things is when I decide that I was going to do what ever it takes to get this part of my life handled. The universe does not owe us a thing if we want something we have to take it. I’ve realized when I’m dealing with people I’m looking for their approval. When I’m looking for someone’s approval it feels to them like I’m chasing them. We are all born with the natural instant to run when chased. After they pull away I feel rejected and hurt. I think that if must be me that they are pulling away from but it’s just because I’m chasing them. This is a hard thing to stop for me after 20 years of doing it. I just keep paying attention to all my little approval seeking strategies that come up when dealing with people and start eliminating them. I started to just worry about me and what I like and what I want.

As I’ve gotten deeper into this stuff I’ve found that women (Or lack there of) are only a piece of my life. They don’t define my whole existence. Women didn’t start responding positively to me till I started getting the rest of my life together. Not saying any of this is easy. The loneliness feels like its eating me alive. But I look forward to a better day. I’ve been working hard at never apologizing for things I do or want unless I really feel I was in the wrong. I don’t have to explain myself to people. They can fuck off for all I care. I’m living my life and they are living theirs. I’m not perfect and neither are they. As my attitude changes to this people go right along with it. It’s strange but it works. I’ve found it helps to look at other people flaws and not feel like I’m the only one that has them. It especially holds true for attractive women I want to approach. I find myself thinking they are somehow perfect beings and how could they possibly want to be with me. But I’m trying to keep in mind that just because they got lucky in the gene pool with their looks doesn’t mean that they have their life together.

Here is a good link http://polyphonicstudios.editme.com/enjoylife At this point I couldn’t go back to my previous miserable reality if I tried. If you are like me what do you have to lose? Just a shitty self loathing existence that you don’t like anyway. I could keep expanding on this subject but I don’t want to make this to long. I hope this helps you guys.

 

[Juggernaut]

Good point. I guess I am bitter. I think that's what has been hanging me up lately. I’ll work at it. Thanks for pointing it out. It’s just years of acting like a needy wussy has left me bitter because I try and try to be liked by people just to be pushed around by them. I’m kind of in the middle of trying to find some sort of Identity. My belief system has been a total mess.

Believe me I know from experience you can not just walk up and talk to a women till you feel good about yourself. They will reject you when you feel like your world will collapse if they reject you. Even if they really aren’t rejecting me but I feel like it’s coming I will find away to make my self-fulfilling prophecy come true. I’ve always felt like Charlie Brown trying to kick that damn football that Lucy is holding for me only to have her yank the football out just before I kick it every time and ending up flat on my back, in pain and feeling like a sucker time and time again. I’m still struggling to not feel like the football is going to be yanked out leaving me look like the fool again. The other advice people always give is just be yourself. Well when you’re a needy wussy and you be yourself you earn one free trip back to rejection city.

I realize now that I need to lead a life that I’m proud of that makes me feel good about myself before I can ever be successful with women or people in general. But it’s hard to feel good about myself when all I want is to be loved and be able to love someone back but no one seems to love me. I’ve just been trying to skip the loving myself part and trying to use people as a way of validating myself.

Lately I’ve been trying to observing myself in anxiety provoking situations. I automatically revert back into old behaviors when under pressure. I withdraw into my head real bad. I was recently at a party. I was drinking and sitting on the coach in full anxiety mode when one of the girls sitting next to me looks at me and says “you really do just smile and laugh every time someone tries to say anything to you then you ignore the person.” So what do I do but smile make a nervous laugh and don’t respond to her. After I get done acting like a psycho what she said registers and the first I think is “holy shit that is what I’m doing.” It hit me like a ton of bricks because when she said that to me I was hardly even was able to register what she was saying to me. I then remembered that other people have said similar things to me before but nothing was really registering. I think I’ve been blocking out the experiences all together. I started to think about all the anxious situations I’ve been in and what the experience has been like. Usually I feel if people are paying attention to me it’s because they want to attack me. I’ll just ignore them till they leave me alone. How can I possibly communicate when I’ve basically checked out? I think part of it is when people cause emotional responses I associate it with the times bullies were bringing up emotional responses. The more you respond emotionally to a bully the more they attack. So I learned that if I respond emotionally to anyone they will attack me. My survival instincts kick in and I check out to avoid people. While checked out I lose conciseness so I don’t know what’s happening to me anymore. It’s hard not to feel hopeless dealing with SA but I’m seeing good results with the work I’m doing as long as my anxiety doesn’t cause me to lose control. I would appreciate any advice on what I should be doing for these intense situations.

 

[Waybuloo]

I’ve realized when I’m dealing with people I’m looking for their approval. When I’m looking for someone’s approval it feels to them like I’m chasing them. We are all born with the natural instant to run when chased. After they pull away I feel rejected and hurt. I think that if must be me that they are pulling away from but it’s just because I’m chasing them. This is a hard thing to stop for me after 20 years of doing it. I just keep paying attention to all my little approval seeking strategies that come up when dealing with people and start eliminating them. I started to just worry about me and what I like and what I want.

If you are like me what do you have to lose? Just a shitty self loathing existence that you don’t like anyway. I could keep expanding on this subject but I don’t want to make this to long. I hope this helps you guys.

I can really relate to what you are saying about needing their approval and people's reaction to get away. for SA'er if u find a friend u can connect with its like a finding a saviour. I've had a feeling of hanging on for dear life and its really not healthy for either of us.

 

[Waybuloo]

It’s just years of acting like a needy wussy has left me bitter because I try and try to be liked by people just to be pushed around by them. I’m kind of in the middle of trying to find some sort of Identity. My belief system has been a total mess.

What u said really strikes a chord with me because i feel my sa has left me with no sense of identity of who i am as a person and i have no real belief system either. Sometiems i agree with people and sometiems i disagree just for the sake of it. I think people can see through that, that u're only doing it to please or whatever and don't stand for ur own values, which i have none.

When i observe people talking and compare it with me, i find that people don't just agree or appreciate each other all the time, they like variety, a range of expressions and feelings, and that makes each of them interesting to watch. Wheres i'd be nervous wreck and trying to act appropriate.

 

[Juggernaut]

Woaaah, what an accurate comparison! (I'll bet you like English classes, don't you?)

I was a walking zombie through school. Just tiring to survive. I never learned what I like or dislike. But thanks

I was a bit worried about how you would respond to my post, I was too harsh. Gee, can you tell that I am a bitter feminist? I should take my own advice! LOL

You weren’t too harsh I’m just getting thoughts down. I would rather no where my blind spots are. Like you said I don’t think we can find are self without others.

Thinking of yourself as a needy wuss is what you think others see you as -it's your overly self-conscious thought patterns again. You seem like a pretty intelligent thoughtful guy (and compared to all the thoughtless, macho pricks I have met) that is saying something. It's what we women want (after we have dated the jock, the rebel, the closet-case, the guy who looks like our Dad, we then figure out we want the sensitive nerd!)

Sensitive nerd huh. Gee thanks lol
Needy wuss is what I’m in the process of moving away from. Instead I should be looking at it as moving toward feeling self fulfilled or not needing the validation of others. Logicly women do prefure the “sensitive nerd” but logic has nothing to do with feelings of attraction. Women are not attracted to that sort of attitude and I’ve experienced why. When I find the proper mind set it’s like a whole new world opens up. I find it hard to describe and hold on to but when I’m feeling the flow I’m totally connected with her. I feel the sexual tension and can start building it. I no longer have to think about anything. I just know what to do or say. I play a lot of sports and find the feeling similar to the feeling of when I’m in the zone. I think that’s why jocks are good with women because they can tap into that feeling. Same with musicians they understand something deeper then basic logic. One of the most important things I’ve learned is no one can convince another person to feel attraction for them. At the same time no one can help feeling attraction when it’s there because it’s a feeling not a job interview. A good example of this is the women that is with the asshole boyfriend. Everyone is telling her to leave him but the attraction is just too powerful. He creates powerful emotions that she just can’t break. Then she proceeds to complain about her asshole boyfriend to her “nice guy” male friend that have been running around trying to please her anyway he can come up with so she will pay him any attention. It’s all pretty funny when you start to understand what’s going on. Not saying men need to be an asshole for women feel attraction. Just saying that women would rather be with a man that can cause her to feel the emotion called attraction then some guy that looks good on paper but doesn’t spark any emotion. So good luck with a sensitive nerd but my guess is by the third date you will be bored with him.

 

[Reholla]

I know being a virgin for girls is different than for guys...

But I (a girl) am a virgin and proud of it. Even if I didnt have SA i can most assuredly say I would choose to remain a virgin till I am married.

I would give the same suggestion for you, not only from my opinion. But in your situation, you should focus on being happy interenally...have a sense of peace with yourself. Dont think about the fact that you havent had sex. Who cares. Wouldnt you rather be happy in other areas when it all comes done to it? Dont you want to be able to do other things in your life that dont involve sex?

Once youve stablized your life in other areas, you can then begin to work on your other "goals." For me, these goals are to one day settle down, have a family, and have a husband who loves me for who i am. I can tell you that I am definitely looking forward to having sex, but I look forward to have it with some one who I share a connection with...and who better than my husband.

Thats my opinion, most of the population isnt going to agree with this judging from how sex is perceived in movies now, like its no big thing. But at any rate, whatever your "goal" is from all this. Find a peace of mind first. Only then can you begin to share a relationship with some one.

 

[Juggernaut]

Your right. There is nothing wrong with being sensitive. The nerd thing implies a lack of social skills. I was thinking of the two together causing problems. All I’m trying to say is men who are not secure with them self will not feel worthy of a women’s attention. If he does not feel worthy he will feel like he has to justify himself to her. When he does that the women feels him trying to get something from her. Women are much better at reading and interpreting body language then men. Most likely this will all be unconscious.
She will feel uncomfortable or get the creeps and go running for the hills.

 

[Reholla]

oh yeah and another thing::

Juggernaut you said : "I'm scared to death I'm going to die a virgin."

If we all lived our lives worrying that we're going to die before something happens or we do something, that would be a horrible way to live!!

Dont live like youre about to to die anyday now! Enjoy things as they come. I know its not easy w/ anxiety, but youre creating more anxiety worrying about the whole sex thing.

 

[Juggernaut]

Your right. There is nothing wrong with being sensitive. The nerd thing implies a lack of social skills. I was thinking of the two together causing problems. All I’m trying to say is men who are not secure with them self will not feel worthy of a women’s attention. If he does not feel worthy he will feel like he has to justify himself to her. When he does that the women feels him trying to get something from her. Women are much better at reading and interpreting body language then men. Most likely this will all be unconscious.
She will feel uncomfortable or get the creeps and go running for the hills.

Hi, I just want to correct, when I said about not liking jocks, I meant the way they act and dress is not my type, not that it's bad, everyone has their own style or pressures, and if they are nice, it's fine to me, unless they're not.
And what do you mean justify yourself to her, how? to know why it will make her fly off.

Wussy guys are always seeking approval from women ‑- paying for female attention, pandering to their every desire, acting as if a woman is doing them a favor by even talking to them. They are desperate for sex and terrified of rejection. Start paying attention to what you’re really communicating to women and you'll see what I mean.

 

[Silentnoise]

What you said about looking at other peoples flaws ect, is something ive done to overcome certain aspects of my SA. BUT ive found it can become a dangerous road to take.. if you start bashing people in your head or always looking for something bad about people to make you feel better about your self, you will; 1 never be satisfied with people and 2 ive noticed that the nit picking becomes worse. For a while i felt like i kept critizing people in my head and it became a really negitive problem.

Just my 10 cents

 

[Juggernaut]

I know being a virgin for girls is different than for guys...

But I (a girl) am a virgin and proud of it. Even if I didnt have SA i can most assuredly say I would choose to remain a virgin till I am married.

I would give the same suggestion for you, not only from my opinion. But in your situation, you should focus on being happy interenally...have a sense of peace with yourself. Dont think about the fact that you havent had sex. Who cares. Wouldnt you rather be happy in other areas when it all comes done to it? Dont you want to be able to do other things in your life that dont involve sex?

Once youve stablized your life in other areas, you can then begin to work on your other "goals." For me, these goals are to one day settle down, have a family, and have a husband who loves me for who i am. I can tell you that I am definitely looking forward to having sex, but I look forward to have it with some one who I share a connection with...and who better than my husband.

Thats my opinion, most of the population isnt going to agree with this judging from how sex is perceived in movies now, like its no big thing. But at any rate, whatever your "goal" is from all this. Find a peace of mind first. Only then can you begin to share a relationship with some one.

It is admirable that you are waiting for marriage. I’m sure you are on a path that will lead to happiness for yourself. It is different if virginity is a choice especially for women. You and I both no if you wanted to have sex you could walk up to all most any guy and he would take care of you. So there is no reason for you to worry about it.

You certainly are right about not focusing strictly on sex and finding what I want out of life. I’m working on those things at the same time that I’m working on figuring out women and dating. Part of what I want while dating is sex. Chances are I would not be alive if it wasn’t for the genetic code that tells me that I must pass my genes on to the next generation. I’ve tried to be patient long enough it’s time I face the fact that what I’ve been doing isn’t working and I must adapt. Putting sex aside when I’m out to find my life mate I want to be able to attract and have some choice in the matter of who my mate will be.

oh yeah and another thing::

Juggernaut you said : "I'm scared to death I'm going to die a virgin."

If we all lived our lives worrying that we're going to die before something happens or we do something, that would be a horrible way to live!!

Dont live like youre about to to die anyday now! Enjoy things as they come. I know its not easy w/ anxiety, but youre creating more anxiety worrying about the whole sex thing.

I guess your right I should let things come to me naturally now that I know I’ve put myself back on to a path that will ultimately lead to a life of happiness. I’ve only known I have SA for the last month. I figured it out after trying for the last couple years to get over the depression that I’ve had most of my life. After I found SA to be the root cause of my depression I’ve now been able to focus on things that make a big difference in my life.

 

[cincykid]

I know being a virgin for girls is different than for guys...

But I (a girl) am a virgin and proud of it. Even if I didnt have SA i can most assuredly say I would choose to remain a virgin till I am married.

I would give the same suggestion for you, not only from my opinion. But in your situation, you should focus on being happy interenally...have a sense of peace with yourself. Dont think about the fact that you havent had sex. Who cares. Wouldnt you rather be happy in other areas when it all comes done to it? Dont you want to be able to do other things in your life that dont involve sex?

Once youve stablized your life in other areas, you can then begin to work on your other "goals." For me, these goals are to one day settle down, have a family, and have a husband who loves me for who i am. I can tell you that I am definitely looking forward to having sex, but I look forward to have it with some one who I share a connection with...and who better than my husband.

Thats my opinion, most of the population isnt going to agree with this judging from how sex is perceived in movies now, like its no big thing. But at any rate, whatever your "goal" is from all this. Find a peace of mind first. Only then can you begin to share a relationship with some one.

Well I have read articles on happiness research. And a lot of them say that sex makes people happy. One article I read this week say that one cause of unhappiness is an emotional relationship without sex or a sexual relationship without emotion.

Another article quoted research that had women ranking what makes them happy and they put sex really high.

I can tell you from experience that sex is wonderful. I think it contributes to well-roundedness.

Sex is something that we are biologically programmed to want. Most of our other wants are culturally determined, like every goal that you have set for yourself and probably every goal that everyone sets for themselves.

I can also say that as proud as i am of what i have achieved so far in my life, and as much as I want to achieve other things such as financial stability, I am not going to wait until these things happen before I have sex because who knows how long it will take me.

Nothing wrong with wanting sex. We aren't all saving ourselves for marriage. All I know is the last time I was having sex regularly was when I was completing my undergrad degree. I felt really good about my self and my ability to achieve the goal of graduation. And I think that a reason I was able to focus was because I didn't have to worry about whether or not I was going to get any. And having gone for a long time since then without sex, I can tell you that wanting some has distracted me at times.

And I also think for those of you who are virgins, it is probably better to not know what you're missing, because it really sucks to have sex, and then go a long time without it, because you go through withdrawal.

 

[lily]

Thats my opinion, most of the population isnt going to agree with this judging from how sex is perceived in movies now, like its no big thing.

The media could have it look like most of us sleep around so freely, etc but having known others in the real world it's not true. And there are celebrities who generalize such as 'Clay Aiken must be gay' and it's annoying.

Wussy guys are always seeking approval from women ‑- paying for female attention, pandering to their every desire, acting as if a woman is doing them a favor by even talking to them. They are desperate for sex and terrified of rejection.

if they're looking for a meaningful relationship of course they will reject you.

What you said about looking at other peoples flaws ect, is something ive done to overcome certain aspects of my SA. BUT ive found it can become a dangerous road to take.. if you start bashing people in your head or always looking for something bad about people to make you feel better about your self, you will; 1 never be satisfied with people and 2 ive noticed that the nit picking becomes worse. For a while i felt like i kept critizing people in my head and it became a really negitive problem.

Just my 10 cents

I don't think he meant bashing others badly and as much as you can, and trying to find all the bad things you could but only seeing that they have flaws too.

It is different if virginity is a choice especially for women. You and I both no if you wanted to have sex you could walk up to all most any guy and he would take care of you. So there is no reason for you to worry about it.

That's not true, others don't generally do things w/ anyone that walks up, even men.

It looks like I have royally stuck my foot up my ass. Just to clarify, my interpretation of the word "nerd" is a good one--cute and quirky, different, on the fringes of society, etc. Some have taken offence and I am sorry, it was all in jest

I see, don't have to be sorry. I wasn't offended but clarifying.

Well I have read articles on happiness research. And a lot of them say that sex makes people happy. One article I read this week say that one cause of unhappiness is an emotional relationship without sex or a sexual relationship without emotion.

Another article quoted research that had women ranking what makes them happy and they put sex really high..................

Usually it's sex and love that's great and even without it, other things can compensate that's even more fulfilling.

 

[Quixote]

All I’m trying to say is men who are not secure with them self will not feel worthy of a women’s attention. If he does not feel worthy he will feel like he has to justify himself to her. When he does that the women feels him trying to get something from her. Women are much better at reading and interpreting body language then men. Most likely this will all be unconscious.
She will feel uncomfortable or get the creeps and go running for the hills.

Juggernaut your description of the way a relationship starts and then fails is excellent. You identified the precise steps of the process. I think when girls say they might like shy people who never had sex they just forget to consider what this implies in terms of a man's self esteem and behaviour. Once they are actually confronted with the prospect of having a relation with such a person, they find it a completely unattractive idea, or even a repulsive one. They feel they are "giving themselves" to someone who doesn't deserve them and they feel "diminished" and maybe almost offended by this fact.

 

[lily]

I think when girls say they might like shy people who never had sex they just forget to consider what this implies in terms of a man's self esteem and behaviour. Once they are actually confronted with the prospect of having a relation with such a person, they find it a completely unattractive idea, or even a repulsive one. They feel they are "giving themselves" to someone who doesn't deserve them and they feel "diminished" and maybe almost offended by this fact.

There are women who were w/ their to-be husband and was their 1st and they're alright, of course later they'll have more self-confidence.

 

[Reholla]

It is different if virginity is a choice especially for women.

Who said you couldnt make it a CHOICE?

You and I both no if you wanted to have sex you could walk up to all most any guy and he would take care of you. So there is no reason for you to worry about it.

Hmm...thanks but no thanks. Youre talking to some one who has SA, so you should know this is not true. I only wish. Once anyone I dont know would try to come up to me I would freak out and tense up. Its my "natural" response now to anything unfamiliar.

So ya even though I could be worried about, what if I'll never have sex, what if I never find the "one" (which this is what Im most worried about) I dont let it affect me. As hard as it is to not worry about things with SA, this is the one thing I actually CHOOSE not to worry about. Because I know I cant behappy with anyone else, if Im not happy with myself first.