Deus_Ex_Lemur
Well-known member
(I didn't realize I wrote a novel... I don't joke around when I say (long). But hopefully it's amusing, I just kept typing and typing and at 2am - so feel free to skim. A lot =)
Just want to comment and share on a recent experience of mine and how it helped me greatly, but is by no means a cure or replacement for anything, and I still greatly battle SA. I never could or still can never find the right CBT class/sessions. But I did force myself recently, about 2 months ago, to take this 6 week acting class (for the camera!), meet 3-4 hours once a week in the evenings. This really was one of the most terrifying and awakening experiences I've ever had ... and I'd do it again in a heartbeat! (although maybe take some Xanax with me =)
It was NOT just a normal acting class, but one for the camera as I said above. Now I ain't no Clooney or Day-Lewis so you won't be seeing me at a theatre near you anytime soon, worry not! =) But I am a film major/writer, so I wanted to take it for those reasons and needed to as well, BUT - also for my SA too. I wanted to force myself to do something I'd never do with it ---
Anyways, The catch here is: you're being filmed, AND - you are going to watch what you do while being filmed, on screen, (an evil large screen) WITH the class, and be critiqued by the teacher about everything you do - sounds like barrels of fun!
First class, we introduce ourselves, NO CAMERA atm - and heh this part is already hard enough, my thoughts race through me at break neck speeds, about what to say how to say it etc. I survive that part. But the real test is still to come.
The teacher THEN sets up a camera - and we each are to go up to it, not to ooh and awe at it but to look into it as if we were being filmed for an "audition" or "interview"; no acting, just honesty. The teacher films us as he asks some involving questions, different for everyone. No preparation or anything. (and then by the end of class we are to watch ourselves on a screen bigger than it has any reason being! =)
Anyways, obviously I was nervous, and was getting so sweaty and green with nauseation I could pass off as a lizardman if I had to. But I couldn't stand waiting till the end to do my "interview", so after he did an example with another student of what he was looking for, I volunteered to get it over with and go next. I was SO bleeping nervous as I got up in front of the camera an elephant in a skirt could have belly-danced through the room and stolen my wallet and I wouldn't have noticed it. I probably looked like I was under interrogation for a homicide as I sat down.
He asked the first question. "If you could have one super power, what would it be and why?" (what sort of audition questions are these you might ask? Yeah I know... I wanted to say I'd choose the super power that could dodge stupid questions like these... and boy I wish I had that power now in retrospect because well... )
I chose invisibility (with SA, sadly, makes sense right...) BUT, BUT! I actually had a wry, sly, witty comeback for why (or so that's how it was supposed to be... and also not rhyme...) The teacher asked why I chose that power. And I sprung my "witty" trap on him! Something that involved girls bathrooms and seeing things visible boys would get a knee shoved into their naughty bits for seeing - and yeah - the trap was my own - and it blew up right in me face! It came off sort of how it reads here. Awkward and strange - and so was the response. Gasps and an "Oh my god..." Maybe it was due to the sudden blood loss that ran from my face and my own expression of "Oh my god" frozen on it in terror like someone that had just seen The Ring girl. And I remind you I was being filmed as I sat there frozen in my own horror of "why did I say that did i just say it like that wait I didn't mean it like that ahhhh!!!......"
I wanted to faint right there, but I didn't because that would have been too easy. I mean I wasn't THAT lewd or anything in my foiled attempt at humor but I simply just crumbled with it, and with the rest of the questions he asked too - I blanked out and stuttered my way through and said "Umm" so many times that if I died right there it'd be the first thing on my headstone. Eventually, FINALLY - it was over... the camera went off, I got up, and slithered back to my seat. But wait - camera off - camera... CAMERA! HE FILMED ALL OF THAT! IM GOING TO HAVE TO WATCH ALL OF THIS in front of everyone! - (Now you're probably asking if you've read this far "so... this has helped him greatly how...?" To be answered soon! But first more gut-wrenching humility at my expense!)
After everyone else is done, the whole class (only about 15 people) are to watch what the teacher just filmed and the teacher is to heavily critique. Again, this is a rather a huge screen. I am trying to maintain composure and look like a Fonz (aka cool, but of course, I'm far from it) He hits play. And there I come on big as ever... I blur my vision I can't bear to watch this...
The teacher hits on everything - all my quirks and looks and how I speak and of course asks me what I was doing with the first question, the teacher paused it and asked: "I thought you had something here, I was smiling, he's going to be good here. But you weren't. At all. Frankly, I don't know what you were trying to do, what happened?" Anyways - good question - my answer: "What happened is I'm a moron." (I didn't answer with that but wanted to =)
Each week we did similar stuff before we were to do an actual short scene during the 4th and 5th week with a partner, which we'd all watch on the last class. He chose the scenes based off what we did during the first 2 weeks, basically what roles would best "suit" each person. I got a scene from Fargo, Jerry, William H. Macy's character. Scene when Marge goes back to question him again towards the end. Anxiety and awkwardness was that character in the scene - we were to make it our own though and not copy, but HEY PERFECT FOR ME, right! =)
BUT - now here comes (finally) the good news - each week - I felt better. Freer, more open - still so nervous and everything, unsure, but - I was feeling better...
By the time we filmed it during the 5th week, when we finally went up to film the big scene - yeah I was nervous up until that point. But when I got up to set up for the scene, I was not nervous. It all went away like bad gas. My partner was more so than I. When the camera rolled, I felt a freedom that - honestly I had never experienced before - I mean yes I was "someone else", I was "acting" and they weren't heh, "my lines" it's staged, but it was still myself if that makes sense as you have to bring yourself to the role. We did the scene a few times (different angles and all). And after the first go through, I heard the class laugh aloud, not AT me but (well no I guess yeah at me, but in a good way! =) I got into it, flubbed zero lines. Felt only the moment, no anxiety. The teacher critiques and directs to get a lot out of everyone doing these scenes, he asks a lot, and everyone has little to no acting experience, only 2 do theatre. But he never asked me to change or do a adjust a thing say for slight things. I just felt NO nervousness. No SA. I owned that room for that short time I was up there....... (so hope I dont sound full of it here, but how I felt =)
Afterwards, I talked with the teacher and class, no anxiety at all. Made friends in that class, really nice.
It was such a freeing experience. I learned a lot about myself and felt like a therapy of sorts. (just learning some of the acting stuff for camera so great).
Now, not to end on a negative note, since this was almost 2 months ago, but well I lost much of that freedom I attained; going back to old habits and vices, and avoidances - actually I avoided going out with those classmates from that class a few weeks later for some beers -so it was not a cure at all. Gotta keep something like that going, but it was an enlightening experience and I got through it all in the end and - am the better for it, I survived and learned a lot! I THINK this is great thing, they need to make a CBT for the camera! =)
Just want to comment and share on a recent experience of mine and how it helped me greatly, but is by no means a cure or replacement for anything, and I still greatly battle SA. I never could or still can never find the right CBT class/sessions. But I did force myself recently, about 2 months ago, to take this 6 week acting class (for the camera!), meet 3-4 hours once a week in the evenings. This really was one of the most terrifying and awakening experiences I've ever had ... and I'd do it again in a heartbeat! (although maybe take some Xanax with me =)
It was NOT just a normal acting class, but one for the camera as I said above. Now I ain't no Clooney or Day-Lewis so you won't be seeing me at a theatre near you anytime soon, worry not! =) But I am a film major/writer, so I wanted to take it for those reasons and needed to as well, BUT - also for my SA too. I wanted to force myself to do something I'd never do with it ---
Anyways, The catch here is: you're being filmed, AND - you are going to watch what you do while being filmed, on screen, (an evil large screen) WITH the class, and be critiqued by the teacher about everything you do - sounds like barrels of fun!
First class, we introduce ourselves, NO CAMERA atm - and heh this part is already hard enough, my thoughts race through me at break neck speeds, about what to say how to say it etc. I survive that part. But the real test is still to come.
The teacher THEN sets up a camera - and we each are to go up to it, not to ooh and awe at it but to look into it as if we were being filmed for an "audition" or "interview"; no acting, just honesty. The teacher films us as he asks some involving questions, different for everyone. No preparation or anything. (and then by the end of class we are to watch ourselves on a screen bigger than it has any reason being! =)
Anyways, obviously I was nervous, and was getting so sweaty and green with nauseation I could pass off as a lizardman if I had to. But I couldn't stand waiting till the end to do my "interview", so after he did an example with another student of what he was looking for, I volunteered to get it over with and go next. I was SO bleeping nervous as I got up in front of the camera an elephant in a skirt could have belly-danced through the room and stolen my wallet and I wouldn't have noticed it. I probably looked like I was under interrogation for a homicide as I sat down.
He asked the first question. "If you could have one super power, what would it be and why?" (what sort of audition questions are these you might ask? Yeah I know... I wanted to say I'd choose the super power that could dodge stupid questions like these... and boy I wish I had that power now in retrospect because well... )
I chose invisibility (with SA, sadly, makes sense right...) BUT, BUT! I actually had a wry, sly, witty comeback for why (or so that's how it was supposed to be... and also not rhyme...) The teacher asked why I chose that power. And I sprung my "witty" trap on him! Something that involved girls bathrooms and seeing things visible boys would get a knee shoved into their naughty bits for seeing - and yeah - the trap was my own - and it blew up right in me face! It came off sort of how it reads here. Awkward and strange - and so was the response. Gasps and an "Oh my god..." Maybe it was due to the sudden blood loss that ran from my face and my own expression of "Oh my god" frozen on it in terror like someone that had just seen The Ring girl. And I remind you I was being filmed as I sat there frozen in my own horror of "why did I say that did i just say it like that wait I didn't mean it like that ahhhh!!!......"
I wanted to faint right there, but I didn't because that would have been too easy. I mean I wasn't THAT lewd or anything in my foiled attempt at humor but I simply just crumbled with it, and with the rest of the questions he asked too - I blanked out and stuttered my way through and said "Umm" so many times that if I died right there it'd be the first thing on my headstone. Eventually, FINALLY - it was over... the camera went off, I got up, and slithered back to my seat. But wait - camera off - camera... CAMERA! HE FILMED ALL OF THAT! IM GOING TO HAVE TO WATCH ALL OF THIS in front of everyone! - (Now you're probably asking if you've read this far "so... this has helped him greatly how...?" To be answered soon! But first more gut-wrenching humility at my expense!)
After everyone else is done, the whole class (only about 15 people) are to watch what the teacher just filmed and the teacher is to heavily critique. Again, this is a rather a huge screen. I am trying to maintain composure and look like a Fonz (aka cool, but of course, I'm far from it) He hits play. And there I come on big as ever... I blur my vision I can't bear to watch this...
The teacher hits on everything - all my quirks and looks and how I speak and of course asks me what I was doing with the first question, the teacher paused it and asked: "I thought you had something here, I was smiling, he's going to be good here. But you weren't. At all. Frankly, I don't know what you were trying to do, what happened?" Anyways - good question - my answer: "What happened is I'm a moron." (I didn't answer with that but wanted to =)
Each week we did similar stuff before we were to do an actual short scene during the 4th and 5th week with a partner, which we'd all watch on the last class. He chose the scenes based off what we did during the first 2 weeks, basically what roles would best "suit" each person. I got a scene from Fargo, Jerry, William H. Macy's character. Scene when Marge goes back to question him again towards the end. Anxiety and awkwardness was that character in the scene - we were to make it our own though and not copy, but HEY PERFECT FOR ME, right! =)
BUT - now here comes (finally) the good news - each week - I felt better. Freer, more open - still so nervous and everything, unsure, but - I was feeling better...
By the time we filmed it during the 5th week, when we finally went up to film the big scene - yeah I was nervous up until that point. But when I got up to set up for the scene, I was not nervous. It all went away like bad gas. My partner was more so than I. When the camera rolled, I felt a freedom that - honestly I had never experienced before - I mean yes I was "someone else", I was "acting" and they weren't heh, "my lines" it's staged, but it was still myself if that makes sense as you have to bring yourself to the role. We did the scene a few times (different angles and all). And after the first go through, I heard the class laugh aloud, not AT me but (well no I guess yeah at me, but in a good way! =) I got into it, flubbed zero lines. Felt only the moment, no anxiety. The teacher critiques and directs to get a lot out of everyone doing these scenes, he asks a lot, and everyone has little to no acting experience, only 2 do theatre. But he never asked me to change or do a adjust a thing say for slight things. I just felt NO nervousness. No SA. I owned that room for that short time I was up there....... (so hope I dont sound full of it here, but how I felt =)
Afterwards, I talked with the teacher and class, no anxiety at all. Made friends in that class, really nice.
It was such a freeing experience. I learned a lot about myself and felt like a therapy of sorts. (just learning some of the acting stuff for camera so great).
Now, not to end on a negative note, since this was almost 2 months ago, but well I lost much of that freedom I attained; going back to old habits and vices, and avoidances - actually I avoided going out with those classmates from that class a few weeks later for some beers -so it was not a cure at all. Gotta keep something like that going, but it was an enlightening experience and I got through it all in the end and - am the better for it, I survived and learned a lot! I THINK this is great thing, they need to make a CBT for the camera! =)
