I'm not really sure how to start this, so the beginning i suppose, I guess that makes the most sense.
I think i,ve always been shy, i remember watching a home video of my family and when the camera turned on me i cowed behind my mom, i was about 4 or 5. At school i watched as other kids grew up, formed bonds that where baffling to me and go on dates, basically maturing into adults. All my life wondered what their secret was, what mystical tome gave them access to these superpowers which I had been denied.
Don't get me wrong i had a few close friends but i always tried to keep it in a group setting, I could crack a joke every now and then make everyone laugh but it was all pretty superficial. I was probably seen as everyone's little brother. 1 on 1 with someone was always awkward and uncomfortable and depressing knowing that this was my limit that this blank stare i was giving people while searching for something to contribute was my maximum output.
Honestly, I don't know what the **** happened, everyone in my family are all kind people, there was no fighting between relatives and everyone gets along splendidly. Hell even in school my environment was practically bully free (the occasional jerk not withstanding). What I'm getting at here is that there was no culprit, no event in my life that I can point the finger at, nothing to blame and claim myself the victim. I'm probably the only person that needs a good punch in the face and told to "grow the **** up". This blight i have inflicted upon myself pisses in the cereal of everyone who has gone through hardship and suffering.
There are many ways to describe my personality and habits but they all sound self hating so i'll spare you. i have more self conscious body issues then a 16 year girl which for a 24 year old man-child who's getting the ol' Patrick Stewart hair style isn't... poetic. you know what i mean? Life is poetry but my life has no song attached to it, no beautiful words to describe how there's a small way that people could love or even care about my life or how i lived it.
Okay, sorry, one more paragraph.
I don't get anxiety attacks or sweat or most symptoms people talk about, I just get that lurch around my heart in uncomfortable situations or where conversation is required especially one on one which is my biggest fear. i spend most of my life avoiding those situations or training my family not to ask me questions that don't require a one or two word answer and a departure from the room.
Of coarse writing this i'm probably drawing too much attention towards myself which isn't a very comfortable thing to do. Hitting submit will be regretted. my name is rudy btw
I think i,ve always been shy, i remember watching a home video of my family and when the camera turned on me i cowed behind my mom, i was about 4 or 5. At school i watched as other kids grew up, formed bonds that where baffling to me and go on dates, basically maturing into adults. All my life wondered what their secret was, what mystical tome gave them access to these superpowers which I had been denied.
Don't get me wrong i had a few close friends but i always tried to keep it in a group setting, I could crack a joke every now and then make everyone laugh but it was all pretty superficial. I was probably seen as everyone's little brother. 1 on 1 with someone was always awkward and uncomfortable and depressing knowing that this was my limit that this blank stare i was giving people while searching for something to contribute was my maximum output.
Honestly, I don't know what the **** happened, everyone in my family are all kind people, there was no fighting between relatives and everyone gets along splendidly. Hell even in school my environment was practically bully free (the occasional jerk not withstanding). What I'm getting at here is that there was no culprit, no event in my life that I can point the finger at, nothing to blame and claim myself the victim. I'm probably the only person that needs a good punch in the face and told to "grow the **** up". This blight i have inflicted upon myself pisses in the cereal of everyone who has gone through hardship and suffering.
There are many ways to describe my personality and habits but they all sound self hating so i'll spare you. i have more self conscious body issues then a 16 year girl which for a 24 year old man-child who's getting the ol' Patrick Stewart hair style isn't... poetic. you know what i mean? Life is poetry but my life has no song attached to it, no beautiful words to describe how there's a small way that people could love or even care about my life or how i lived it.
Okay, sorry, one more paragraph.
I don't get anxiety attacks or sweat or most symptoms people talk about, I just get that lurch around my heart in uncomfortable situations or where conversation is required especially one on one which is my biggest fear. i spend most of my life avoiding those situations or training my family not to ask me questions that don't require a one or two word answer and a departure from the room.
Of coarse writing this i'm probably drawing too much attention towards myself which isn't a very comfortable thing to do. Hitting submit will be regretted. my name is rudy btw