a nervous hello...

[numb]

Hi to everyone. This is really hard for me to type so I think for now at least I will try and keep it brief, just to introduce myself. I'm a 31 yr old mum of 2 and have been Agoraphobic for a few years now. I also suffer from panic disorder amongst various other things that all seem to go hand in hand. I hadn't really faced upto who I was until recently - it's gotten so bad over the past year especially and last few months I have been pushing family members out it's like I am now in my own bubble. I not only avoid going out unless I completely have to but I avoid anyone coming in to my house. It's been 8 days now since I went out the house that includes the garden...I am exhausted with this now feels like i'm becoming more and more detached from everything and lately I am becoming very confused I can't remember things and my mind seems to be playing tricks on me - it could be due to my sleep pattern being whack. I can't cope with this lonely feeling anymore and the shame I feel that my life has come to this like i'm letting everyone down. Family get annoyed at me for saying I will go out with them and I missed my neices christening last year. I miss my kids sports days. I know what people think about me. No-one could beat me up more than I do myself but I don't want this anymore it is going to destroy me soon enough. Every night I tell myself i'm going to go out tomorrow and when it doesn't happen I get deeper and deeper into depression. Then there seems to be moments it looks as if things are improving - I went out last year for the day with my other half and we had a picnic I had put myself in many many uncomfortable situations for me that day and was feeling so good until I got home and then that night out of nowhere the panic just came - and it was awful. This is really screwing up my whole life I cannot understand why my doc won't take this seriously. A few times I have felt close to suicidal. People keep "advising" me that I just need to force myself out but I don't think they fully understand I can't control the panic attack, heck I don't even know when it's going to come...Anyway I am sure this makes sense in my own mind, hope i'm not speaking gobblydegook to everyone else, although i'm not very good with putting things into words...it's just to say hey this is me. I hope to read through some posts tomorrow and hopefully get to chatting to some people who are going through similar things, I think this will be beneficial to me. I don't really discuss things with anyone so maybe it will be the best decision I made to help myself. Thanks for taking the time to read.

 

[Beatrice]

Hi there numb! Sad username there

I'm quite a bit younger than you (11 years) but... well, I can still say hi lol (I think I made up some kind of age rules in my head or something....) This post really resonated with me because I know just how you feel when it comes to feeling like an idiot and like your thoughts sound ridiculous to others or don't make sense. I get that feeling all the time. But I always felt like the only one.

Anyway, welcome to the forum

 

[kihira]

Welcome numb , what you have written makes perfect sense and I'm sure many people here will relate to it. You may want to consider going to a different doctor about this, some docs just aren't up to date with issues like this.

 

[numb]

Thank you for the replies. It was hard for me to type that, but it feels good to know i'm not alone. I have good weeks and bad weeks and normally that has to be whittled down to good days and bad days. And I am lucky in that I have a supportive partner and parents. I am guilty of shutting them out many times though. I agree that I need to see another Doctor.

 

[nicole1]

Hi! And a lot of us understand how hard it can be. Welcome to the forum.

 

[DespairSoul]

Hello

Welcome to the forum and i hope u will feel better soonest as possible and fight hard to win and be happier again=)

 

[coyote]

Hi, and welcome to the forum.