36. Empathy & Altruism Technique
Has there ever been someone who has just stared and smiled at you but you did nothing because of your own shyness even though you liked them too ? Instead of doing that how about perhaps thinking of what they want instead ? Put yourself in the other person's shoes and think about their needs and wants. You want to make them happy and see them smile. Think of how happy they will be to give them what they want. Even if they end up rejecting you later on, it doesn't matter because you just want them to do what they feel is right and let you go. DO NOT ignore the people who say hello or look at you to attract you. You are causing them some form of pain. You need to get ito the state of mind that makes you want to do things for others and to forget about your own needs. Don't go so far that you become an approval-seeker and a tool, just go far enough to dissipate social anxiety. When people reject you or try to humiliate you try to understand why they do these things. What is their motivations. Try to look at things from their perspective. You will often see those people as ignorant, insecure, weak and fearful and trying their hardest to fight the things they fear and do not understand. You can think back and do this same thing to other people who you feel abused or mistreated you in the past. You may even end up feeling sympathy and forgiveness for them and that is only a good thing.
37. Affirmation Making Method
You repeat to yourself positive phrases such as "I am free from fear around others". They should be repeated at least 30 times a day. Try to believe the thing you are saying is true. Don;t just repeat it in a parrot-like fashion. You also need to understand the concept of what you are saying. It needs to have some kind of meaning, and not be just some meaningless phrase. These things take many weeks to start having even a small effect. You might even want to record these things on tape and play them while falling asleep. To help speed things along, you can image a scenario in which you are relaxed and calm and enjoying it and while doing this repeat the positive affirmation. Getting deeply relaxed or being in a lower brain-wave state helps this a lot. Don;t include words like "not" or "can't" or "don't" ebcause the subconscious mind has difficulty understanding those and keep hings in the present tense and in the first person because that is how the subconscious mind works; in the present and in the first person. Affirmation making works best when combined with cbt.
38. Encouragement Technique
Give yourself encouragement to do the things you fear. You might tell yourself that you really are exaggerating your fears. You can show yourself that others do things and that you are capable of doing the same. Try to create a sense of doubt over how afraid you are or how worthless you feel. All this time you have only just been thinking you were afraid but really it isn't true. Dump the thought and feeling that you can't do things and replace it with the feeling that you can.
39. Compensation Technique
Tell yourself you don't care what others think or will try to do to you. Tell yourself you don't care if your shy and quiet or feel conspicuous in front of others. You are number 1 and you come first and that no one deserves your fear and dread. Look down on others as if they were all little children and that you are more important than all of them. You might try to imagine people putting you down and insulting you for being afraid of the things you are afraid of. Now your job is to fight back and prove them wrong by showing them that you can do these things. Try to remember all the injustices and mistreatments you faced from others. I found this helps me cut off wanting approval or even acceptance. You need to really work yourself up for this to work. Though it is easy to go too far and overcompensate which makes you come off looking arrogant and selfish.
Avoidant personality has similiar underlying features as narcissitic personality. They both feel defective underneath. The narcissist fights these feelings and feels superior and entitled, while the avoidant avoids the feeling and so ends up avoiding all situations that provoke it. Of course you get narcissists who just feel entitled and not defective due to being only spoiled and indulged or getting their own way always.
40. Mode Shift Technique
Ever had times when under some circumstance you had the courage to do something you would never had thought you could ? When my parents talked behind my back and were whispering things about me I suddenly developed great confidence and could do the things I wanted to do without feeling afraid whatsoever. So how can this happen ? To understand this you must understand modes. Simpy put a mode is an aspect of personality that has split off from another aspect of personality. The way you think and feel and behave will depend on what mode you are in. Just because someone has AvPD doesn't mean they will ALWAYS think they are defective and worthless. There must have been one time when they felt and thought differently, like they forgot about their own feelings of defectiveness and are able to function more properly. Then when the situation changed they went back into the defective way of thinking about themselves.
Like at school I would be far more happy and talkative around my friends, while at home I was miserable and was very quiet with my parents. Borderline personality is a more dramatic example of mode shifting. They go from being scared to angry to dependency in a matter of moments. There is temperament (anxious vs calm, shy vs sociable, cheerful vs low mood etc), and then there are personality modes that are developed through experience. There is a mode that harbours our fears and emotional pain (vulnerable child), a mode that harbours our anger for unfair treatment and for our needs and wants being unmet (angry child), a mode that acts on impulses and desires with complete disregard (undiciplined/impulsive child), a mode that is happy and content because needs are being met (happy child), a mode that fights mistreatment (overcompensater), a mode that gives in to and complies with others (compliant surrenderer), a mode that avoids pain from others (detched protecter), a mode that feels and thinks and behaves like the parent(s) or abuser (demanding parent/critical and punitive parent), and a mode that is able to take charge, fulfill it's own emotional needs, act responsibly and put aside all negative thinking and feelings (healthy adult). So how do you get a more positive mode to activate ? Well you need to start monitoring when your state of feeling and thinking changes. Like let's say someone walks into the lunchroom and you feel like retreating into your shell. This may very well be a reaction based on temperament but this could also be a shift into the vulnerable child mode and it's coping mechanism of a detached protecter. Try to look at it as if you were seperate from these modes. I'm sorry for this but I'm having great difficulty on explaining how to get the healthy adult to activate because it usually takes something dramatic to happen for it to activate such as genuine rejection or abandonment from important people around you and then it just activates and you no longer rely on other people's acceptance or opinions to gain self-esteem as the mode can fulfill the needs of yourself. Then anxiety seems to just disappears (if the healthy adult mode activates that it)
41. Integrity technique
You adopt a policy of 100% honesty. You have to say what is ever on your mind because that is now your most important value system. If you like someone you must tell them. If someone mistreats you you must let them know about it and not just pretend to not care. Other people's rejection doesn't matter as much as honoring the honesty value system.
42. Flashcard Technique
If you are almost sure about the origins of your social anxiety you can write out a flashcard that you can look at when you need reminding about it.
I am feeling (like people want to humiliate me) because (I am in a shopping centre surrounded by people).
This is likely to be my (related core belief, assumption, rule) that I developed (because my older brother would leave me out of activities in the family for a good laugh)
I believe my (thoughts and feelings), though they are probably not representitive of reality.
The positive things that I have experienced (people wanting to be my friend) show my negative thoughts and feelings to not always be true.
So I feel like (avoiding people all the time) I will instead (try to ignore the negative feelings and face one my fears).
43. Observing Others
If you really feel you just don't know what to do in social situations, then look around and see what others are doing. Pick out the things you like that
others do such as the way they use body language or the way they express interest in what others say or the way they relax around others and don't worry if they are making great conversation, then save it for later when you might need to use it. Anxiety can stop you dead in your tracks from doing things differently so you might need one of the many other techniques in this book first to help control anxiety.
44. Value System Cleansing
If you've ever done cbt you should have learned about rules, assumptions and beliefs. They are the ingrained thoughts that relate to yourself and to others and about things in general. The one we are mainly concerned about here is just what degree you value approval from others. If it is high, your mood will dip when you anticipate disapproval from others. You'll lose self-esteem when other people criticize you. You'll become afraid to point out other people's mistakes in fear they'll disapprove of you. You might feel anxious or perhaps depressed around others when you aren't getting approval or you think others may be disapproving. You need to work on seeing that other people's opinions of you should not dictate your mood or self-esteem. How do you go about this ? You need to show yourself a good time by making yourself feel better about yourself without other people. Do cbt.
45. Biofeedback Technique
You count the negative thoughts in your head. You keep track of them. Just write each of them down. Over time you will get better at noticing them. Then at some point you will notice the numbers will begin to actually decrease. Then you can start counting postive thoughts as well, with the aim of increasing them. Combine this biofeedback technique with cbt.
46. Anti-Critic Method
When you are attacked by other people for things like being quiet or lacking a social life you respond in a way that helps to neutralize what they say or to help them develop respect for you rather than having them always see or treat you as someone inferior because you don't do the things they or most other people like to do or have done.
The first way is to use EMPATHY. You simply try to get the person to be more specific in what they want to know or are trying to say. By using this method it will not only help you find out what they mean but it will help them find out what they mean and what they want to really know and why the thing bothers them.
CRITIC: Your ALWAYS so QUIET! TALK DAMN IT!
QUIET GUY: And how does that bother you ?
CRITIC: I don't know, it just makes you look like a weirdo. Like you are planning on murdering people or something.
QUIET GUY: Is that why you don't like it when I am quiet, because you think I am plotting to harm others ?
CRITIC: I don't know. It's just not normal for a person to be so quiet always like that. So I guess you must be up to something.
QUIET GUY: Well, you've seen me for so long, have I ever done anything to you or have you seen me do anything like that ?
CRITIC: No. But what do you do in your spare time. Murder people for pleasure!
QUIET GUY: Drink, smoke, listen to music, watch tv, all the sort of stuff lots of people do.
CRITIC: well then why are you so quiet ?
QUIET GUY: I don't know really. People have always asked me that because I've been like that all my life.
CRITIC: Your still weird though.
QUIET GUY: I don't see why me being quiet should upset you so much.
CRITIC: I just hate it when people don't talk.
QUIET GUY: Well alright, I'll talk more just to make you happy. How does that sound ?
CRITIC: Alright I suppose.
QUIET GUY: Do you feel better now ?
CRITIC: Kind of.
The empathatic approach will help create the conditions to solve underlying problems the person has towards you and will help avoid a heated conflict where insults are hurled about or you end up feel rejected or humiliated by the critic. When the problem is brought out into the open and solved then you will likely never hear the same criticism from them again. If the person is just throwing insults that are designed to hurt you, your response should be similar to try to get answers out of them and to lay the ground work for solving the problem.
The next method is DISARMING. Instead of arguing against their criticism of you, you find truth in it. This will help throw water on the fire rather than fuel as does often happen when you hit back in defense and critisicm of them.
CRITIC: Cheezes, your SO SHY!
SHY GUY: Your right, I'm shy. I'm extremely shy.
CRITIC: WHY, HEH ?!!! I demand you explain to me the reason!
SHY GUY: I just can't help it, it seems to be in my nature. If I could get rid of it I would. Believe me!
CRITIC: Well there's just no need to be so SHY! It's childish! People don't bite you know!
SHY GUY: I'm sorry for my shyness upsetting you, perhaps there's a way you can help me overcome it.
CRITIC: (Feeling sympathetic for SHY GUY and guilty for criticism)
The above example showed when a critisism is valid and has some truth to it. But when a criticism has very little truth in it or seems invalid or is harshly
critical and is more just about insulting or trying to make you feel hurt or humiliated or like a "weirdo" or an outcast what do you do then ? You do exactly the same thing and try to agree with them.
CRITIC: Your sad.
SAD GUY: Why do you think I'm sad ?
CRITIC: Just look at yourself ?
SAD GUY: I do have a lot of things I don't like about myself.
CRITIC: No argument from me or anyone else here.
SAD GUY: Nor should you or anyone else argue back either.
CRITIC. Your 40, you live with your parents, your not married, and you don't talk and just look at your face. LOL. Your just sad.
SAD GUY: That's all true. It's kind of sad when I think about it as well.
CRITIC: It's not just sad, it's pathetic. You are the most pathetic person alive.
SAD GUY: You could very well be right about that as well.
CRITIC: I AM right, you sad, pathetic loser. You're just a waste of space! LOL
SAD GUY: I sometimes feel that way about myself, like I am just a waste. But I am planning on fixing things.
CRITIC: Well why don't you ? Maybe because your just too sad and can't ever change. LOL
SAD GUY: Change can be hard when your used to thinking and feeling a certain way for a long time.
CRITIC: Nah, your just sad.
SAD GUY: I'm really sorry for how things turned out with my life but I'm glad you expressed your anger and frustration over my situation. Thankyou.
The lesson here is to (1) listen to the critic and try to find they're point of view using empathy, then (2) disarm them by trying to point out the truth in
what they say, even go as far as thanking them for pointing those things out. Once you have done that you will be in a better position to explain your
feelings and solve differences through negotiation. If the critic is wrong, do not insult them by using personal labels. Simply acknowledge to them that you might be wrong and they might be right in what they say. If the critic is right and you are pointing out the truth in it, this can avoid an argument and lead to respect. Of course, they may however use it as another way to criticize you and make increasing and unjust demands on you which can simply be delt with in the same way. Though there is a line between criticism and bullying.
A critic who starts making ever-increasing demands on you in a threatening manner is no longer considered a critic but a BULLY. Bullies will normally be:
a. extremely critical and often for vague reasons
b. throw around insulting labels purely with the intention to hurt and humiliate
c. are prone to irrationality and tend to be unresponsive to reason when others offer helpful suggestions to solve a conflict
d. often use control and fear tactics to get what they want or to get their needs met
The methods may or may not work with bullies but you are free to give it a go.
Most of these techniques were taken from WHEN PANIC ATTACKS by David Burns & FEELING GOOD: The new mood therapy by David Burns. These are two great books that hepled me overcome social anxiety. If you haven't purchased them I recommend you do since they contain a wealth of information and examples.
Stay tuned for my post on CBT, meta-CBT and my Q&A on social anxiety which includes a massive collection of over 400 of the most common complaints by people experiencing social anxiety. Thankyou.
Has there ever been someone who has just stared and smiled at you but you did nothing because of your own shyness even though you liked them too ? Instead of doing that how about perhaps thinking of what they want instead ? Put yourself in the other person's shoes and think about their needs and wants. You want to make them happy and see them smile. Think of how happy they will be to give them what they want. Even if they end up rejecting you later on, it doesn't matter because you just want them to do what they feel is right and let you go. DO NOT ignore the people who say hello or look at you to attract you. You are causing them some form of pain. You need to get ito the state of mind that makes you want to do things for others and to forget about your own needs. Don't go so far that you become an approval-seeker and a tool, just go far enough to dissipate social anxiety. When people reject you or try to humiliate you try to understand why they do these things. What is their motivations. Try to look at things from their perspective. You will often see those people as ignorant, insecure, weak and fearful and trying their hardest to fight the things they fear and do not understand. You can think back and do this same thing to other people who you feel abused or mistreated you in the past. You may even end up feeling sympathy and forgiveness for them and that is only a good thing.
37. Affirmation Making Method
You repeat to yourself positive phrases such as "I am free from fear around others". They should be repeated at least 30 times a day. Try to believe the thing you are saying is true. Don;t just repeat it in a parrot-like fashion. You also need to understand the concept of what you are saying. It needs to have some kind of meaning, and not be just some meaningless phrase. These things take many weeks to start having even a small effect. You might even want to record these things on tape and play them while falling asleep. To help speed things along, you can image a scenario in which you are relaxed and calm and enjoying it and while doing this repeat the positive affirmation. Getting deeply relaxed or being in a lower brain-wave state helps this a lot. Don;t include words like "not" or "can't" or "don't" ebcause the subconscious mind has difficulty understanding those and keep hings in the present tense and in the first person because that is how the subconscious mind works; in the present and in the first person. Affirmation making works best when combined with cbt.
38. Encouragement Technique
Give yourself encouragement to do the things you fear. You might tell yourself that you really are exaggerating your fears. You can show yourself that others do things and that you are capable of doing the same. Try to create a sense of doubt over how afraid you are or how worthless you feel. All this time you have only just been thinking you were afraid but really it isn't true. Dump the thought and feeling that you can't do things and replace it with the feeling that you can.
39. Compensation Technique
Tell yourself you don't care what others think or will try to do to you. Tell yourself you don't care if your shy and quiet or feel conspicuous in front of others. You are number 1 and you come first and that no one deserves your fear and dread. Look down on others as if they were all little children and that you are more important than all of them. You might try to imagine people putting you down and insulting you for being afraid of the things you are afraid of. Now your job is to fight back and prove them wrong by showing them that you can do these things. Try to remember all the injustices and mistreatments you faced from others. I found this helps me cut off wanting approval or even acceptance. You need to really work yourself up for this to work. Though it is easy to go too far and overcompensate which makes you come off looking arrogant and selfish.
Avoidant personality has similiar underlying features as narcissitic personality. They both feel defective underneath. The narcissist fights these feelings and feels superior and entitled, while the avoidant avoids the feeling and so ends up avoiding all situations that provoke it. Of course you get narcissists who just feel entitled and not defective due to being only spoiled and indulged or getting their own way always.
40. Mode Shift Technique
Ever had times when under some circumstance you had the courage to do something you would never had thought you could ? When my parents talked behind my back and were whispering things about me I suddenly developed great confidence and could do the things I wanted to do without feeling afraid whatsoever. So how can this happen ? To understand this you must understand modes. Simpy put a mode is an aspect of personality that has split off from another aspect of personality. The way you think and feel and behave will depend on what mode you are in. Just because someone has AvPD doesn't mean they will ALWAYS think they are defective and worthless. There must have been one time when they felt and thought differently, like they forgot about their own feelings of defectiveness and are able to function more properly. Then when the situation changed they went back into the defective way of thinking about themselves.
Like at school I would be far more happy and talkative around my friends, while at home I was miserable and was very quiet with my parents. Borderline personality is a more dramatic example of mode shifting. They go from being scared to angry to dependency in a matter of moments. There is temperament (anxious vs calm, shy vs sociable, cheerful vs low mood etc), and then there are personality modes that are developed through experience. There is a mode that harbours our fears and emotional pain (vulnerable child), a mode that harbours our anger for unfair treatment and for our needs and wants being unmet (angry child), a mode that acts on impulses and desires with complete disregard (undiciplined/impulsive child), a mode that is happy and content because needs are being met (happy child), a mode that fights mistreatment (overcompensater), a mode that gives in to and complies with others (compliant surrenderer), a mode that avoids pain from others (detched protecter), a mode that feels and thinks and behaves like the parent(s) or abuser (demanding parent/critical and punitive parent), and a mode that is able to take charge, fulfill it's own emotional needs, act responsibly and put aside all negative thinking and feelings (healthy adult). So how do you get a more positive mode to activate ? Well you need to start monitoring when your state of feeling and thinking changes. Like let's say someone walks into the lunchroom and you feel like retreating into your shell. This may very well be a reaction based on temperament but this could also be a shift into the vulnerable child mode and it's coping mechanism of a detached protecter. Try to look at it as if you were seperate from these modes. I'm sorry for this but I'm having great difficulty on explaining how to get the healthy adult to activate because it usually takes something dramatic to happen for it to activate such as genuine rejection or abandonment from important people around you and then it just activates and you no longer rely on other people's acceptance or opinions to gain self-esteem as the mode can fulfill the needs of yourself. Then anxiety seems to just disappears (if the healthy adult mode activates that it)
41. Integrity technique
You adopt a policy of 100% honesty. You have to say what is ever on your mind because that is now your most important value system. If you like someone you must tell them. If someone mistreats you you must let them know about it and not just pretend to not care. Other people's rejection doesn't matter as much as honoring the honesty value system.
42. Flashcard Technique
If you are almost sure about the origins of your social anxiety you can write out a flashcard that you can look at when you need reminding about it.
I am feeling (like people want to humiliate me) because (I am in a shopping centre surrounded by people).
This is likely to be my (related core belief, assumption, rule) that I developed (because my older brother would leave me out of activities in the family for a good laugh)
I believe my (thoughts and feelings), though they are probably not representitive of reality.
The positive things that I have experienced (people wanting to be my friend) show my negative thoughts and feelings to not always be true.
So I feel like (avoiding people all the time) I will instead (try to ignore the negative feelings and face one my fears).
43. Observing Others
If you really feel you just don't know what to do in social situations, then look around and see what others are doing. Pick out the things you like that
others do such as the way they use body language or the way they express interest in what others say or the way they relax around others and don't worry if they are making great conversation, then save it for later when you might need to use it. Anxiety can stop you dead in your tracks from doing things differently so you might need one of the many other techniques in this book first to help control anxiety.
44. Value System Cleansing
If you've ever done cbt you should have learned about rules, assumptions and beliefs. They are the ingrained thoughts that relate to yourself and to others and about things in general. The one we are mainly concerned about here is just what degree you value approval from others. If it is high, your mood will dip when you anticipate disapproval from others. You'll lose self-esteem when other people criticize you. You'll become afraid to point out other people's mistakes in fear they'll disapprove of you. You might feel anxious or perhaps depressed around others when you aren't getting approval or you think others may be disapproving. You need to work on seeing that other people's opinions of you should not dictate your mood or self-esteem. How do you go about this ? You need to show yourself a good time by making yourself feel better about yourself without other people. Do cbt.
45. Biofeedback Technique
You count the negative thoughts in your head. You keep track of them. Just write each of them down. Over time you will get better at noticing them. Then at some point you will notice the numbers will begin to actually decrease. Then you can start counting postive thoughts as well, with the aim of increasing them. Combine this biofeedback technique with cbt.
46. Anti-Critic Method
When you are attacked by other people for things like being quiet or lacking a social life you respond in a way that helps to neutralize what they say or to help them develop respect for you rather than having them always see or treat you as someone inferior because you don't do the things they or most other people like to do or have done.
The first way is to use EMPATHY. You simply try to get the person to be more specific in what they want to know or are trying to say. By using this method it will not only help you find out what they mean but it will help them find out what they mean and what they want to really know and why the thing bothers them.
CRITIC: Your ALWAYS so QUIET! TALK DAMN IT!
QUIET GUY: And how does that bother you ?
CRITIC: I don't know, it just makes you look like a weirdo. Like you are planning on murdering people or something.
QUIET GUY: Is that why you don't like it when I am quiet, because you think I am plotting to harm others ?
CRITIC: I don't know. It's just not normal for a person to be so quiet always like that. So I guess you must be up to something.
QUIET GUY: Well, you've seen me for so long, have I ever done anything to you or have you seen me do anything like that ?
CRITIC: No. But what do you do in your spare time. Murder people for pleasure!
QUIET GUY: Drink, smoke, listen to music, watch tv, all the sort of stuff lots of people do.
CRITIC: well then why are you so quiet ?
QUIET GUY: I don't know really. People have always asked me that because I've been like that all my life.
CRITIC: Your still weird though.
QUIET GUY: I don't see why me being quiet should upset you so much.
CRITIC: I just hate it when people don't talk.
QUIET GUY: Well alright, I'll talk more just to make you happy. How does that sound ?
CRITIC: Alright I suppose.
QUIET GUY: Do you feel better now ?
CRITIC: Kind of.
The empathatic approach will help create the conditions to solve underlying problems the person has towards you and will help avoid a heated conflict where insults are hurled about or you end up feel rejected or humiliated by the critic. When the problem is brought out into the open and solved then you will likely never hear the same criticism from them again. If the person is just throwing insults that are designed to hurt you, your response should be similar to try to get answers out of them and to lay the ground work for solving the problem.
The next method is DISARMING. Instead of arguing against their criticism of you, you find truth in it. This will help throw water on the fire rather than fuel as does often happen when you hit back in defense and critisicm of them.
CRITIC: Cheezes, your SO SHY!
SHY GUY: Your right, I'm shy. I'm extremely shy.
CRITIC: WHY, HEH ?!!! I demand you explain to me the reason!
SHY GUY: I just can't help it, it seems to be in my nature. If I could get rid of it I would. Believe me!
CRITIC: Well there's just no need to be so SHY! It's childish! People don't bite you know!
SHY GUY: I'm sorry for my shyness upsetting you, perhaps there's a way you can help me overcome it.
CRITIC: (Feeling sympathetic for SHY GUY and guilty for criticism)
The above example showed when a critisism is valid and has some truth to it. But when a criticism has very little truth in it or seems invalid or is harshly
critical and is more just about insulting or trying to make you feel hurt or humiliated or like a "weirdo" or an outcast what do you do then ? You do exactly the same thing and try to agree with them.
CRITIC: Your sad.
SAD GUY: Why do you think I'm sad ?
CRITIC: Just look at yourself ?
SAD GUY: I do have a lot of things I don't like about myself.
CRITIC: No argument from me or anyone else here.
SAD GUY: Nor should you or anyone else argue back either.
CRITIC. Your 40, you live with your parents, your not married, and you don't talk and just look at your face. LOL. Your just sad.
SAD GUY: That's all true. It's kind of sad when I think about it as well.
CRITIC: It's not just sad, it's pathetic. You are the most pathetic person alive.
SAD GUY: You could very well be right about that as well.
CRITIC: I AM right, you sad, pathetic loser. You're just a waste of space! LOL
SAD GUY: I sometimes feel that way about myself, like I am just a waste. But I am planning on fixing things.
CRITIC: Well why don't you ? Maybe because your just too sad and can't ever change. LOL
SAD GUY: Change can be hard when your used to thinking and feeling a certain way for a long time.
CRITIC: Nah, your just sad.
SAD GUY: I'm really sorry for how things turned out with my life but I'm glad you expressed your anger and frustration over my situation. Thankyou.
The lesson here is to (1) listen to the critic and try to find they're point of view using empathy, then (2) disarm them by trying to point out the truth in
what they say, even go as far as thanking them for pointing those things out. Once you have done that you will be in a better position to explain your
feelings and solve differences through negotiation. If the critic is wrong, do not insult them by using personal labels. Simply acknowledge to them that you might be wrong and they might be right in what they say. If the critic is right and you are pointing out the truth in it, this can avoid an argument and lead to respect. Of course, they may however use it as another way to criticize you and make increasing and unjust demands on you which can simply be delt with in the same way. Though there is a line between criticism and bullying.
A critic who starts making ever-increasing demands on you in a threatening manner is no longer considered a critic but a BULLY. Bullies will normally be:
a. extremely critical and often for vague reasons
b. throw around insulting labels purely with the intention to hurt and humiliate
c. are prone to irrationality and tend to be unresponsive to reason when others offer helpful suggestions to solve a conflict
d. often use control and fear tactics to get what they want or to get their needs met
The methods may or may not work with bullies but you are free to give it a go.
Most of these techniques were taken from WHEN PANIC ATTACKS by David Burns & FEELING GOOD: The new mood therapy by David Burns. These are two great books that hepled me overcome social anxiety. If you haven't purchased them I recommend you do since they contain a wealth of information and examples.
Stay tuned for my post on CBT, meta-CBT and my Q&A on social anxiety which includes a massive collection of over 400 of the most common complaints by people experiencing social anxiety. Thankyou.
. This is an awesome thing you're doing for us here, even if most may not realize it