Elkapath
Heya Elkapath,
I get the same thing all the time. Strange that most of these postings are of how hard shy guys have it in relationships. But I can relate- my main phobia comes from my in ability to initiate conversation and feeling like I can't or have nothing to say and feeling intense pressure to 'verbally perform (I guess you can say) or feel rejected. I believe that is probably due to over activation of the amygdala (or whatever it's called). It's hard to reason, think, and bantar when you are feeling defensive or have a rush of adrenalyn flowing.
In anycase, I felt the same way in the past... I even tried suicide when I was 19 as an immature way of reaching out to anyone who could help. When I recovered in the hospital, the doctor gave me the choice (unknowingly at the time) to be committed. I went to a place called mental health resource center and met a kind doctor who wanted me to agree to stay for a minimum of 3 days, but informed me that I hadn't officially been committed. I chose to leave because of having to be surrounded by unfamiliar people and having to 'open' up.
As time has progressed and I have matured (I am 30 now) I have come to understand that my emotions are my responsibility. I have also realized that I don't want to die, but, I want happiness- eventhough life offers very little at times. I have taken it upon myself to try to see all the world offers, not only a dark eccentric beauty and negativity that I use to be into. I think a truly creative person tries to see all perspectives, the beauty in all aspects (including the darkness) of the world. I hope that out of the billions of people in this world, that I can make at least a few friends that are unique, broadminded, genuiely nice, and tolerant (artistic is a plus). There must be a few I think. There are a few out there for you that can see that you have a good heart and that you have great value, I am sure.
In anycase don't give up hope- it is always there. Have you ever researched CBT, meditation, or REBT? These things may seem lofty, but they do work to an extent.
Take care,
Sean