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Old 3 Days Ago

Hello. I am 21 and I have a huuge problem with social anxiety. I am in therapy already before someone suggests that.
I can't even make friends online anymore. I constantly question others intensions and I have a lot of built up hate and frustration inside me because I never display my emotions, especially not big emotions. I have a lot of thoughts and opinions but I close them in and stay quiet at all times.
I can't make friends because I can't talk to others because I worry about everything I say. At family dinners I sit in complete silence unless someone asks me something and before first dates (because I do date) I get so sick that I end up literally hanging over the toilet with nausea although I never actually throw up. Eating on dates is impossible unless I want to puke all over my date, that is because my stomach is a mess because i'm so nervous.
Right now i'm dating someone whom i've been intentionally trying to push away because I feel as though he is too normal compared to me lol and doesn't get me and he has been VERY frustrated with me but he likes me too much and keep wanting to make it work somehow. That is a blessing I know that because usually the men I attract are other wrecks with either the same problems as myself or worse. But the problem is he lives a 2 hour distance from me which further complicates things especially since I can barely manage to get to a date in my own town without vomiting or fainting so imagine me getting on a bus for 2 hours for a date to a completely new town i've never been in before. It's impossible. Sure he doesn't mind being the one who comes here but eventually he'll start questioning what my problem is and what can I say to that I don't even have a diagnose to show him lol? I'll just seem immature.
I remember the first time me and my ex went travelling together and I got so sick he had to take me to a doctor because my anxiety gave me heart palpitations and problems breathing. Yet we'd been together for 5 months at that time and he'd proven to be someone I could trust many times already... Another problem is that I am still a virgin, i'm scared of new things, what can I say...
I feel like I am going to explode some days.
I just feel like screaming until my voice dies.
shything is offline  
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