Things I've never been able to say

I have seen a few different psychologist and psychiatrist in my life. Yet I've never been able to tell them much about my past. They always seemed satisfied with only knowing my symptoms. It probably doesn't help that I'm extremely shy and can't say two words in a row.

Since I don't seem to be interesting enough for my doctors I thought why not write it here? So here I go


First I should probably start with my brother. When I was a child my parents made my brother and I sleep in the same room. My brother is 5 years older then I am and already as a child he knew he liked men. He was very unhappy and uncomfortable with himself growing up. Of course since I was much younger and smaller, I became his emotional punching bag. He would talk me down and treated me like I was just something annoying and useless while in that room. If he couldn't fall asleep he would force me to stay awake. He didn't permit me to take more then the little side of the bed and on cold nights I had to beg him to even get some covers.

This might not seem like that big of a deal to many to have a **** for a brother. But I was pretty much just starting my life. Already I was stuck every night with someone working on making me know that I didn't matter.

My parents were not a whole lot better. My father was an anxious selfish and aggressive mess of a person. He only seemed to care for my mother and himself. There was never any room for me to express myself or ask for anything. He would get so mad and at the smallest things. I was so afraid to even move or talk in his presence.

Growing a bit older in my preteen and teenage years, I wasn't the best looking guy around. I was very skinny, had those big glasses and a lot of acne. Of course my father didn't want to spend money on me so I didn't get nice clothes either. I was the typical ugly nerdy looking guy.

At school everyday I would get called all kind of names like nerd and ugly. Even back home I would get the same treatment from my brother and even my father a few time. My so called friends at school were not much better with the name calling. I was the kid that didn't fight back so there was no big risk while insulting me because I wouldn't say anything back.

I remember one time walking outside to go to a friend house. I walked passed a group of teen around my age. For no reason they started walking behind me telling me stuff like "your really ugly you know" or calling me a big nerd. And all I did was walk passed them. Its not the only time but its probably the time that marked me the most. After this I had trouble even leaving the house. If me going outside was equal to getting hurt why do it.

With it all I became more and more of an hermit. Wherever I was, the only thing I would focus on was to make myself as small as possible. If no one see or hear me I can't get hurt right?

I did have a few happy moments in my life. After high school I started working out and getting rid of the acne and glasses and that really improved my looks. I got into a few different job over the years and met some very nice people. Yet every time I think about the past, its just dark and sad. At 35 years old today, I'm still very shy and still can't go outside easily. All the years of bad experience feels very much with me to this day.

Sorry for the long post. This is really just a fraction of it but I made it as short as possible.

Thank you for reading me

I'm sorry that the family you were dealt included so many *******s.

I think the best thing you can do right now is start acknowledging that you are worthy of all the happiness you can reap from this world and just start taking better care of yourself spiritually, physically, and mentally, one day at a time. If you can, try to find a therapist you can talk to at least once a week. Maybe try to list the shitty things your brother and your father would say to you, and ask yourself if there's any merit to those things or if they weren't just the ramblings of two unhappy people trying to pass their own self-hatred onto someone else.

If you have a kind heart, if you treat others with kindness, if you do your best to be a positive influence on people around you, you deserve joy.

I know it sucks when you have people like them around you especially when you’re just a kid or teen. But the best look comes from confidence. I bet you can handle things much easier than before. I can see you walking in the street with your cool face )
Look up some nice model pics and be inspired from them. And look at the mirror telling yourself that “I am fcking nice.”

I had a similar experience like yours.
But I overcame it by loving and caring myself properly like I mentioned. Being confident is important. Find what makes you confident or what makes you motivated

Hi Phantasy, I'm so sorry to know about all the sad things you've been through. But I think the good news is that it's already over.

I agree with most of what Sacrament and Krys_65 said. After painful experiences you can grow up and maturate and slowly learn to build your self confidence. Don't let those past experiences bring you down. You can use them to give the best of yourself and let your beautiful side get out. You should start for yourself first, trying to heal those inner wounds with time. Then, once you're better, make use of all you've learnt to help other people too.

And as Sacrament said, you deserve joy. God bless you.

Life is just a big narrative where people try to put labels on each other to influence them toward playing certain roles.

If you dont write your own story then other people will try to write it FOR you.

just write your own story...erase the idea that you're an "ugly nerd" and replace it with whatever you want..Then go out and LIVE it.


I used to think I was just a lame dork also...then I changed my outlook and decided I wanted to be a hero instead.....**** what other people say, Only I get to decide who I am.





btw this is awesome
Justin Trudeau showed up to work as Clark Kent - CNN Video