Sore Loser Syndrome

Hello!

Some of my character traits are surely common to many here: introverted, a social misfit and with excessive anxiety in various situations. Very unwillingly to share my innermost thoughts with the others, a possibly inborn trait that has been boosted by bad experience. Sharing my issues mostly led me to one-time put-downs in the best cases and to have them spread as gossips in the worst.

However, there is the positive side of the coin. Passing through all this made me self-relying to a good degree and improved my intellectual skills, being aware that I can only count on myself.

A more pesky side of my character, one that I would willingly drop, is what I've called the Sore Loser Syndrome (SLS). With games, but more generally and more significantly with all conflictual situations, I hate losing. I try to deny that it happened, that I was defeated or humiliated, that I made a fool of myself and so on. Meanwhile, I keep looking for a chance to give a payback. Yet sometimes no chance is given and I just can't let it behind.

The memory of such events haunts me, and time doesn't help. I believed that fading of bad memories would have occurred, or they would have lost their emotional strength. However, it didn't work this way. They resurface with no predictable pattern, in times and situations that have nothing to do with them.

Realizing how irrational is this, as it focuses on things of a far away past that are unable to affect my reputation, did not help to stop them. It is like I have a warped feeling that there is something unfair to be straightened out.

I wonder if SLS is included as a significant symptom of some other disorder, and if not I claim copyright with it. At any rate, I'd be glad hearing comment by people who have experiences something similar, and if and how they have been able to get rid of it.

Thank you for your time.
All the best,
Jordan

I hate losing but when I do I try to appear graceful so I don't look bad.
I really missed out by not playing for school sports teams just so I didn't lose. I've never really cared about winning. In fact winning just means relief for not losing. Since winning means not losing then why bother, I can only lose!

I don't know why I feel like this because I can see how irrational it is and know I've underachieved all my life as a result. Not just sports either this attitude carried across into every opportunity life ever threw up. Still I'm on to it now and try hard to focus on the positive but it's hard as being negative comes so naturally. I know it's not SLS but your post got me thinking.

Maybe you should analyse why you lost and how you could of done better etc hopefully turning it into a positive thing. Learning from your mistakes and all that might relieve the frustration slightly.

Many great achievers have been obsessive perfectionists, perhaps that's what you are I don't know. It sounds like you could have too higher expectations of your self and understanding why might help.

Sorry not much help I know. I guess SPs are drawn to negative thoughts like moths to a flame. Still I wish you well.

I'm one of lifes perfectionists. If I think I cant do it then I lose all interest and motivation. Things need to be done right. i think this stems from the competition i had growing up with my brother. it was always...' oh he's so good at this, that and the other' while i trailed behind. so i thought, sod it, If i cant do it brilliantly then i wont do it at all. Luckily, I'm coming out of that...well, trying anyways. I know I cant be good at everything but i can be great at a few things, i just gotta find my niche.

I don't like niche. Oh no, sorry that's qui.... :lol:

YOSS ROCKS!!!....lol...Yossarian, Its worth coming here just to see what youve written...lol.

OOPs...that was my post, that Yoss rocks one...i sorta forgot to sign in!!!

'Yoss' also has a killer nickname taken from a great book.

YAY, its praise Yoss day...lol....WAHOO FOR YOSS xx

You guys!

Thanks Trazza, you've really cheered me up now. I did actually blush!

Thanks J, I'm glad you like Catch 22 it's one of my favourites.
I picked Yossarian because I used to feel the only way to get over SP was to seek help and confront my fears but if I could do that then I wasn't really SP and therefore didn't need/deserve help etc. Which seemed to me quite similar to the infamous Catch 22. I couldn't believe it when Two Words quoted Orr...made me feel dirty eeuch! Even tried changing my username but couldn't although I'm glad I couldn't now.

Hi Yossarian!

Thank you for your reply. I found it helpful. Since SLS is waiting for a sound definition (could be "Still Laking Sense"? but also "Status Loss Syndrome" - and I'm not kidding on the latter), we might have it both or neither.

We differ under this respect, that I enjoy winning just about like I hate losing. However, the latter is more painful and more lasting. And you bet that I also try to appear graceful, but I've been a slow learner on that. No surprise, it's a social skill.

A further twist is that advice about accepting defeat came as a rule in the form of a personal attack (no matter whether this was done in good faith or not), so my priority was the defending of my ego rather than listening arguments. Being blamed added insult to injury, not letting me in the mood for self-blame as well.

Therefore, I did not work on my attitude problem. I however tackled the problem in two alternative ways: (1) raising my skills ready for the next match, and (2) avoiding competition.

These two were mutually exclusive, and predictably I became specialized whenever I was good at some activity, and dropped it completely or almost completely elsewhere. Problems arose when avoidance was not available as an option, and my skills were poor.

You hit the snail on the head about two points. I am obsessively perfectionist (unfortunately, less than a great achiever), which of course is related to (1) more than to (2). Being perfect in avoidance is no picnic. And my expectations has often been high, leading to bitter disappointments one way too much.

Finally, you call it frustration but to me it is more than that. These are haunting memories on what can't be undone, and I wish never happened. Only a few of them survived, but don't want to leave my mind. What I need is some brainwashing to get rid of them.

Cheers,
Jordan (who can't sign J. to not be confused with another J.)

Hi Jordan, I just want to say sorry about referring to your 'frustration'. Didn't mean to belittle your feelings because I think we suffer that alot from people who don't understand SP.

Perfectionism seems to crop up alot here and I'm no different. I think this probably stems from our fear of humiliation, rejection, failing or doing anything that can posssibly cause a negative reaction from others. After all no one can criticise perfection right? It's a shitty philoshopy though because it means I never do anything or at least complete anything. Since nothing's perfect (except maybe maths) everything I do can only lead to dissapointment. Like many other aspects of SP it drives me mad because I know how detrimental this is and how flawed a philoshopy this is but I can't stop feeling this way. Maybe if I had the intellect or talent to achieve such aspirations but....

I wish I could give you some advice on how to let go of your haunting memories but the only way I can think is to accept your failings. Hah! now I sound like a non SP!, 'Pull your socks up!', 'Cheer up it might never happen!' :lol: Why are we condemned to think and feel things we don't want to? Things we know are stupid, damaging or just plain wrong.

I guess though the only way to conquer fear is to confront it. It's a shit and harsh fact of life but one we cannot change. What do you feel when you get these recurring memories? Is it hate? Fear? Embarrassment? A feeling of being inadequate or useless? Do you worry about what others think of your 'failure' or is it just your own self-criticism that hurts?

I'm drunk and tired and don't know what I'm talking about. I appologise if I come across as ignorant. I would like to know more about how you feel when you recall these memories, who knows maybe the answer's there or maybe I'm just drunk and tired.:lol:

Hi Yossarian!

No problems about my "frustration", I only thought that the term was too narrow to encompass it all. Frustration, sure!, but then self-anger, hate, regret..., plus anything you've mentioned. The only one that is absent is fear.

You heard my right. I can be a true hero when it comes to the past! Kidding aside, fear is felt in anticipation and during the event, while memories bring a bunch of different feelings. I rather feel a wimp, a fool or both for not having acted otherwise.

It's both things, what others think and my own self-criticism. The latter is worse, as I can't avoid myself. I'm glad to not have multiple personalities, as in this case they could gang up against me, or against one of the various me's around.

These memories are like flashbacks, perhaps not so precise, but the negative feelings are intense. And I also fantasize about possible different courses of action, changing the past itself, or revenges that may come later on.

To illustrate this by way of a metaphor, as you are familiar with computer games, you might imagine a sort of (solo mode) roleplay. You've lost a chief fight, and reload a previously saved version of the game. But at this point, a bug makes your computer crash every time you get there, and you keep reloading it. Over and over. Frustration is granted, but with the time it brings a bunch of further negative feelings.

Unless you have sense enough of giving it up.

To make such memories stop haunting me the sole effective way I found thus far is revenge. Waiting for years, in a few instances I actually given some retribution to my enemies. Again on the metaphor, this has led me to a winning "endgame sequence". Now I remember everything, but it's OK.

I hope to have stated my point in a clearer way than before.
Jordan

8O you've made your point very clearly Jordan...I'm a bit scared now due to all this talk of revenge. Hope I didn't piss you off

I do have invasive memories of stupid things I've said. They often occur at strange times like when I'm shopping. For some reason I have like a reflex thought straight after like scoring a goal or playing a cricket shot. Doesn't stop me cringing and feeling like a complete idiot no longer how long ago it was.

Yossarian said:

8O you've made your point very clearly Jordan...I'm a bit scared now due to all this talk of revenge. Hope I didn't piss you off

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Tee-hee, not yet, but be on your toes!

Getting real, among all those nice and innocent victims, you will find plenty of thoughs of revenge.

Different temperaments will be more eager to project their anger inside or outside, but overall I daresay that there is a mix of the two for everyone.

A claim like "I never lied once in all my life!", which is admirable as a show of recklessness. How many can say that with a straight face? Do it, and your SP is over.

Likewise, "I never felt the need of revenge!" will candidate you as an actor fittng the role of a saint in some old-fashioned historical movie. You can try saing that, but remember that it only counts if you don't blush.

I do have invasive memories of stupid things I've said. They often occur at strange times like when I'm shopping. For some reason I have like a reflex thought straight after like scoring a goal or playing a cricket shot. Doesn't stop me cringing and feeling like a complete idiot no longer how long ago it was.

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Yes, to me also invasive memories come unexpected. Perhaps they are a way to avoid reality. I can see a reason that unleashed the last wave, yet the pattern they follow is unfathomable to me. The sad truth is that they didn't lose momentum in spite of the time passed.

good luck

your absolutely right.. you cannot rely on others for anything really, unless they are getting paid, and even then...

lifesnotfair said:

your absolutely right.. you cannot rely on others for anything really, unless they are getting paid, and even then...

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... you must read the small print. Thank you for answering. Be well, J.