racheH
Well-known member
I think I've worked out how social phobia didn't make me insane (not literally anyway).
Although I've lived most of my 17 years in constant uncertainty and regular terror because of the fear of disapproval (my phobia also extended to seeing an authority figure disapprove or be angry about almost anything at all, not just disapproval directed at me, so I do mean very very regular), I had one advantage compared to most people:
I'm an introvert anyway! There is a fair amount of information online about real introverts. These aren't shy people, necessarily. They don't have a rejection phobia or suspect other people's motives or have any other reason to be scared of communication, necessarily. If I had never learned my phobia, I would still have been an introvert (I think I made myself more of one eventually, due to isolation, but I believe it's genetic as well).
I just need a lot of time alone to think/reflect/day-dream (all of these, for me, are forms of reflection - day-dreaming being the more indirect, often unconscious cathartic process, that none-the-less teaches me something about my feelings or a situation). Most people do need this time, but some more than others. While I enjoy some conversation and just being around people I'm attached to, I frequently get frustrated by small talk or any external stimulation, like large crowds, that divides my attention in too many directions. I often want to devote all my energy to centring myself. Before I even knew there was knowledge of it out there, I used to describe it as 'recharging' after prolonged periods of interaction, which can exhaust me, even if its enjoyable at the time. Now I find that many experts describe it as a 'recharging' already. In my own mind, when I'm stressed out, I'm pulled in so many directions that social interaction is simply confusing and sometimes I block it out all together for a minute, which is a mechanism I hope to learn to control because it's not fair on others. Whatever my mood though, I never interact verbally for the sake of interacting (though I do enjoy physical interaction, like hugs, so I doubt I have schizoid personality disorder). It's normally to learn things from it or to help other people. I'm told by a couple of friends I would make a good counsellor; I guess because I spend more time observing objectively from a distance, and analysing what I see, actually giving myself a greater understanding of people than I'd have as easily if I also got deep satisfaction from being in the thick of it.
Here is how Jill D. Burruss and Lisa Kaenzig of the College of William and Mary put it:
According to this definition, many people here would appear to be 'closet extraverts', perhaps! This would explain why so many speak of depression due to SA, even when they are successfully avoiding their object of fear. This used to confuse me, because from my point of view, when I was old enough to be able to live a reclusive life away from judgement, all my problems would be solved! I had little desire for friends other than for protection, to reassure myself that there was nothing wrong with me, and to stave off boredom when I didn't have a book or TV handy.
About three quarters of the general population are extraverts, so says one study. To be an extravert with SA must be much harder, because a deep-rooted need is not being well met, or is associated with distress and so avoided. The remaining quarter are introverts to varying degrees. I'm now very curious as to how that figure is echoed among SAers, hence the poll.
Also wanted to make this point: it's OK to be introverted! It can be an advantage. Many will tell you there's something wrong with you, you must be depressed if you want to be alone, or the WORST in my opinion, the suggestion that if you don't have a social life, you don't have a life at all. 'Get a life' is said to people who don't go out much, but when do you here it said to people who never vote, never show an interest in politics or philosophy, never engage in activities that can be called artistic or beneficial to others? A reason for this imbalance of opinion is that most people are extraverts, and extraverts tend to be the keenest to get their opinion heard. Extraverts seem to have written the rules of social conduct, but that's for another post. Ask a genuine introvert and they may tell you the opposite, that it is usually extroverts who need to stop wasting their lives in hedonistic, pack-animal behaviour (which is damaging due to the danger of conformity, mob-mentality etc. that is often found in 'lesser' species). That's not to suggest that all or even most extraverts are shallow or arrogant in that way, but it does suggest that introversion may be an advantage because the risk of those things is reduced. So if you have a social phobia or any kind of anxiety around people, remember that you only need socialise to the extent that is beneficial for your personality type. If you push yourself into things that don't interest you at all, it will be much more difficult to develop less negative associations with socialising. It's not just psychological either - it seems that the brains of extraverts and introverts are different and process information differently. So burning yourself out with interaction if you're very introverted may be as harmful as locking yourself away if you're naturally extraverted.
Although I've lived most of my 17 years in constant uncertainty and regular terror because of the fear of disapproval (my phobia also extended to seeing an authority figure disapprove or be angry about almost anything at all, not just disapproval directed at me, so I do mean very very regular), I had one advantage compared to most people:
I'm an introvert anyway! There is a fair amount of information online about real introverts. These aren't shy people, necessarily. They don't have a rejection phobia or suspect other people's motives or have any other reason to be scared of communication, necessarily. If I had never learned my phobia, I would still have been an introvert (I think I made myself more of one eventually, due to isolation, but I believe it's genetic as well).
I just need a lot of time alone to think/reflect/day-dream (all of these, for me, are forms of reflection - day-dreaming being the more indirect, often unconscious cathartic process, that none-the-less teaches me something about my feelings or a situation). Most people do need this time, but some more than others. While I enjoy some conversation and just being around people I'm attached to, I frequently get frustrated by small talk or any external stimulation, like large crowds, that divides my attention in too many directions. I often want to devote all my energy to centring myself. Before I even knew there was knowledge of it out there, I used to describe it as 'recharging' after prolonged periods of interaction, which can exhaust me, even if its enjoyable at the time. Now I find that many experts describe it as a 'recharging' already. In my own mind, when I'm stressed out, I'm pulled in so many directions that social interaction is simply confusing and sometimes I block it out all together for a minute, which is a mechanism I hope to learn to control because it's not fair on others. Whatever my mood though, I never interact verbally for the sake of interacting (though I do enjoy physical interaction, like hugs, so I doubt I have schizoid personality disorder). It's normally to learn things from it or to help other people. I'm told by a couple of friends I would make a good counsellor; I guess because I spend more time observing objectively from a distance, and analysing what I see, actually giving myself a greater understanding of people than I'd have as easily if I also got deep satisfaction from being in the thick of it.
Here is how Jill D. Burruss and Lisa Kaenzig of the College of William and Mary put it:
The full article is here: http://cfge.wm.edu/documents/Introversion.html
According to this definition, many people here would appear to be 'closet extraverts', perhaps! This would explain why so many speak of depression due to SA, even when they are successfully avoiding their object of fear. This used to confuse me, because from my point of view, when I was old enough to be able to live a reclusive life away from judgement, all my problems would be solved! I had little desire for friends other than for protection, to reassure myself that there was nothing wrong with me, and to stave off boredom when I didn't have a book or TV handy.
About three quarters of the general population are extraverts, so says one study. To be an extravert with SA must be much harder, because a deep-rooted need is not being well met, or is associated with distress and so avoided. The remaining quarter are introverts to varying degrees. I'm now very curious as to how that figure is echoed among SAers, hence the poll.
Also wanted to make this point: it's OK to be introverted! It can be an advantage. Many will tell you there's something wrong with you, you must be depressed if you want to be alone, or the WORST in my opinion, the suggestion that if you don't have a social life, you don't have a life at all. 'Get a life' is said to people who don't go out much, but when do you here it said to people who never vote, never show an interest in politics or philosophy, never engage in activities that can be called artistic or beneficial to others? A reason for this imbalance of opinion is that most people are extraverts, and extraverts tend to be the keenest to get their opinion heard. Extraverts seem to have written the rules of social conduct, but that's for another post. Ask a genuine introvert and they may tell you the opposite, that it is usually extroverts who need to stop wasting their lives in hedonistic, pack-animal behaviour (which is damaging due to the danger of conformity, mob-mentality etc. that is often found in 'lesser' species). That's not to suggest that all or even most extraverts are shallow or arrogant in that way, but it does suggest that introversion may be an advantage because the risk of those things is reduced. So if you have a social phobia or any kind of anxiety around people, remember that you only need socialise to the extent that is beneficial for your personality type. If you push yourself into things that don't interest you at all, it will be much more difficult to develop less negative associations with socialising. It's not just psychological either - it seems that the brains of extraverts and introverts are different and process information differently. So burning yourself out with interaction if you're very introverted may be as harmful as locking yourself away if you're naturally extraverted.
'Even extreme introverts crave a certain amount of social interaction though and you don't have to be a closet extrovert to get depressed from not talking to people. It can take a very short time to become lonely once you start living on your own in my opinion, and you realize that even if you were introverted all through high school and before, you still ended up interacting with a significant number of people throughout the day and you probably had more friends and acquintances than you gave yourself credit for. Also I would add that for me and many others guys I would suspect, we feel a very strong urge to meet women and that can easily produce a sort of depression when you don't succeed in that, introversion and extroversion aside. 
