No confidence around the opposite sex

I have made a lot of progress on SA in the last couple of years but after a good think today I realise I have made very little progress when it comes to confidence around women. When I say women I really mean women my sort of age who I would consider as the sort of age range that I would be interested in meeting as a girl friend.

My main question is for those who also have such a lack of confidence around the opposite sex, I want to know your beliefs on yourself in terms of how desirable you think you are and of how the opposite sex see you in your opinion.

Whereas those who actually have confidence around the opposite sex again I would be so grateful to know your beliefs on yourself in terms of what you think of yourself and how you believe the opposite sex see you.

Basically something has got to change for me. I realise I feel no woman could ever be interested in me, women are only interested in good looking guys, women are critical of guys who don't look good enough, I don't believe I am good enough looking or confident enough for any woman to ever be interested in me, I judge myself as being inferior and inadequate to almost all women because I don't critically judge women for how they look - whereas I believe women critically judge me and I kind of had it brainwashed into me that I am not good enough for women. Around women I am scared, I feel so inadequate, so irrelevant, I feel ugly, I don't actually see myself as a human being that people would ever look at in terms of being desirable. i.e. a story such as this a couple of years ago - I was really friendly and chatty to this girl I worked with, we got on really well and I liked her lots as she was such a nice person, she was fun, friendly, kind, she was pretty too - but it was her as a person I liked. One day when working by a window when some guy walked past who she had never seen before and she said 'Who was that? He was gorgeous! I have got to find out who he is, do you know him?' I said 'No'. She then was looking out of the window saying I really liked him, I need to meet him. The whole point of all this is, is that I was really friendly and got on great with her for over a year but she was not interested in me at all even though we got on really well personality wise, whereas some guy she never even spoke to was being talked about as if he was god and she would probably marry him on the spot. Kind of shows the importance of looks v personality for some people. And the other point was that she was talking about a guy as if I was a woman or not a man. It was so horrible. I just remember leaving thinking I could never be looked at by that girl in terms of being good enough for her unless I looked like that man. I felt so crap about myself, angry with myself for not being really handsome.

I just feel like a nobody in women's eyes. My beliefs of myself and of how women see me could probably not be any lower than what they are. Its time I sorted things out, because even if I am a nobody in women's eyes, I need a way to accept it and allow myself to be myself and not a give a toss what women think of me because its just ridiculous living life scared of women just because I am certain they will think of me as a nobody. And just a final point - I am not that bad looking - I am tall and in good shape, stylish, cool hair, nice eyes, clean, smart, good personality, intelligent, although there are parts of me I feel may be not as good, but we all have flaws, no one is perfect. But I really have had almost purely negative experiences in the past when it comes to women - women being horrible about me, the butt of some jokes, ridiculed, called names, etc. Even these days if women look at me like eye contact more than once, some people may think that is a good sign, I just believe that is because they think I am horrible. From reading that do you see things wrong in the way I think? Do you think I think about this in a very negative and damaging way?

Can anyone relate to me? I am so determined to overcome this and beat it, I am not writing this post for sympathy, I write this post because I want to get everything off my chest, hear what others have to say (if anyone feels like writing) and start analysing my beliefs and see what I can find. These beliefs I have on myself and women are not fair and accurate, they are basically exaggerated, biased, negative beliefs - the most negative way of thinking. They have to change in order for my confidence and self value to change and for my beliefs on how women are seeing me as well to change.

Must end there. Let me know what you think if you have any thoughts - I would be extremely grateful!

Yeah. I have no confidence around guys at all, so I basically avoid them. I'm always nice at first. Then there comes a point where I have to pull away. I can't have people know too much about me or pretty soon they'll discover my true weirdness.
I think I probably confuse guys who try to talk to me. I certainly don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I might come off as aloof. I don't consciously think in my head, "oh, I'll never be adequate for this guy", all I know is that I'm terrified and want to get away.
But you're right. It all comes down to confidence in the end. It all comes down to what you feel about yourself.
Pretty much everyone on this site shares this same problem, (plus millions of people not on this site), so never think you are alone here, we can all relate.

Hey quietone,

Yeah like you describe my beliefs are subconscious. When I am anxious around a girl I am not consciously thinking these negatives things but these subconscious beliefs kind of define my self worth/value and I 'know my place' and I just know that I am not good enough and feel self conscious.

I had a quick think this morning about what must change? Well if you work backwards from what I need to be, its quite clear that I have to change my 'extreme negative self image' that I have of myself around women. In order to stop feelings of inferiority, inadequacy and self consciousness I need to restore self worth, belief in myself that I am good enough and have so much to offer, I think I need to put things into perspective that maybe the lack of attention I get from women is down to my SA/huge lack of confidence. Its not like I show interest in women or meet new women and in effect that is what I am getting back. Those who show interest and meet new women are more likely to get some of that back.

I also need to take women of the pedastal I have placed them on. I mean come on they are fellow people, unique just like myself. I have got to stop treating myself differently (in a negative way) compared to everyone else, I have to treat myself as an equal in order to believe I am equal.
I think when it comes to believing women look at men purely for how they look, I think I need to look at how I see women - i.e. I see lots of women who I don't really have any thoughts of in terms of how they look - i.e. there is nothing wrong with how they look, I just don't have any thoughts on them. But that doesn't mean I could never be interested in them if I got to know them and saw how nice they are as a person. Yet for myself when I see women take no notice of me I think they think negatively of me and that I am not good enough. Maybe that is wrong to think that just because women don't notice me in terms of I look really good, doesn't mean they could never be interested in me if they really liked my personality. I am not sure if that is true.

I must end there again, but it just goes to show that so much can be aimed to be changed in order to feel so much better, positive and confident. Without doing such things we will stay as we are.

You know what Charlie, youre lucky, cos at least you have a definite sex that you can call "opposite", both sexes feel like opposite sex to me (im gay) and for that same reason i dont ever feel like i fit in any of the sexes, im not like girls, i dont like girl stuff and im not like most boys either. I get anxious around girls cos all my life ive hang out with guys, and i get excited around boys too cos i like them.