Making friends and having things in common

I've had a couple of people who've offered (separately and at different times) to meet me outside work. But I have nothing in common with them, and that seems to be a bigger problem than I expected. I did end up going out with one of them once, and just thinking about it makes me feel extremely trapped. Like I'm going to be forced to do things I don't like while at the same time ignoring what I really want to talk about and so on.

But is it right that I can not cope with friends or is it just because it's built on nothing? Maybe this is why I was never very good with the couple of friends I had in school. I have few interests but with the ones I do have I have nobody to talk to in real life. It just gets harder doesn't it.

it's kind of a catch 22- either go out and socialize and have to deal with the anxiety or stay at home, wishing you had somebody to talk to~ and if you gave them a chance you may actually find you have some commonalities (maybe they like some of the same movies/food/restaurants/weather/sports/tv shows/music/books/videogames or grew up in the same town )~

but you went out, and you survived, right?

i think it's good to think about what specifically you're worried about, like what is the worst that could happen if you do go out? what's the likelihood of that happening? and what's the worst that will happen if you don't go out? and also too, whether the fear of being forced to do things you don't want to do is founded? like are they trying to get you do things that are illegal/amoral/dangerous/hazardous? or are they honestly trying to include you in a friendly activity?


and if you have stuff you really need to talk about, you can always post it on the boards!

Sorry for a crap response but I don't know :: I went to a work party a week ago and stood there with some people I know (of). Not really threatening, and I was fairly relaxed, but I still couldn't think of anything to say. In the end I never even start to find out if we do have something in common.

The people who I said about here before have given me the offer of a night out, but that really is a leap into the unknown. I will need to get a drink or a few inside me, so I can't drive, so I need to stay for a reasonable amount of time, otherwise the £50/$80 I spend on a taxi home will be wasted. So it's all or nothing, I won't be able to stay for an hour and then go home. And will it make me more comfortable with people in normal life?

hey you replied

i think it's cool that you're at least getting out

all i know is that spending time at home has never helped with my social anxiety.

sometimes you go out and it's really hard to get out your own head, but sometimes you may go out somewhere, and actually have a nice chat with somebody or make a friend. (and usually when it does happen, you won't be expecting it)
also too- there may come a time when people stop asking you to come to things, so it's good to grab the opportunity when it's there (however, thats alotta $$$- you could use that as a way to motivate you to stay longer than you normally would but that's really up to you)

the more you stay at home, the harder it gets to push yourself to do something- and you can end up going months and years without going out socially- plus you can end up losing contact with people.

sometimes at parties or events, i look for the other people who look miserable, lol and ask them if they're bored- and sometimes you can relate to people based on stuff you don't like too.

i think it's healthy that you're letting yourself feel uncomfortable, (because even just walking inside isn't always easy, but hopefully, you'll realize that you've come back intact and it may not have been the most horrible thing that you were imagining- im hoping)

and maybe you're able to at least go to an event, maybe the next time you'll push yourself to ask somebody a question, or to learn at least 2 new names- or even just to smile at somebody or adopt a more friendly body posture [whatever it is for you that would help you get on the next level]

and will it help make you more comfortable with people in normal life?
i think so, it depends on how deep the problem is, if you can feel some of the tension relaxing, if you can think just a little positively, especially just being around people isn't easy with SA- and it will increase your familiarity with new places- so the next time you're there, you'll know little details about it, which should help you feel a teensy bit more comfortable. but getting to the point of feeling comfortable takes effort time and it may not feel all that great getting there, but it's important to keep trying.

it's important to look at how far you've come. like if you are accepting more invites, if you are giving serious thought to socializing instead of dismissing it immediately, if you spend less time with negative thinking, or if you can stand in a crowded room when there have been times that you didn't think you could those are all positive signs

and sometimes it helps to have like stock conversation topics
like how was your week? see any good movies lately? have you tried the new restaurant downtown? catch the game today? how about that sun/rain today?.... and you can always start with a "have we met?" "you're linda, right? im aj"

i don't know if that helps at all- sorry i just kind of rambled.

Hi Reslo - are you Linda? - no you didn't ramble and what you said is very helpful. I know very well that you can end up not going out at all, because that's been me for... well, forever... now I'm trying to escape it. I don't know, I don't seem to get many opportunities, it's either a work party or the pub. It's looking like it could go either way at the moment though, I may actually be starting to get invited to things now and then.

Maybe I enjoy all this in some way? Maybe I am a masochist!? At work today for a few moments they were playing around with trying to cross their little finger with the one next to it - that's not important in itself. I was already part of the group because we were sat down at our desks. Did I join in and try to do it? No. Was I scared? Not really, there was nothing to be scared of, everything was fine. That made me feel unbelievably bad for the rest of the day and yet even at the time I was thinking 'Do it! Do it! Why are you not doing it!?' Why did my brain stop me? It really is like I subconsciously enjoy the feeling.

reslo has some good advice there. SA/SP is an oxymoron really.

I would say to keep trying, the longer you stay in your comfort
zone the harder it is to break out of it.
I read somewhere that when you do things continuously for 3 months
that it will work into a habit and it will not seem like a chore anymore.
Keep up the fight.

no not linda sorry~!
thanx aj & redski for the nice words.
lol at the masochist comment- that could be it, you never know~::
for me atleast, sometimes i hesitate at random moments in social situations for no particular reason, but it's like since i hesitated, i can't do it, or i just spend too much time thinking about it that the moment passes. and maybe it's like you're just used to not thinking about participating, so like redski mentioned, it's an old habit? and as social phobics, there's always going to be a part of us that says "no! don't participate"... and we tend to worry a lot about embarrassing ourselves, so trying to cross your fingers probably would have felt a wee bit silly, but that's the kind of stuff that makes up conversations/social interaction.

and don't beat yourself up about it , at least it was recognized as an opportunity to be social, and chances are, if you let it happen, there will be many more

i'm glad things seem to be going ok for you. i've promised myself that at my next job (whenever that happens), i would try to at least try to get to know my co-workers, because i never really did with my previous jobs. (...and the shallow reason that it would be really really nice to have co-worker references)

and if you get tired of the pub and work parties, just means you'll have to invite people to go do something somewhere else
good luck!

Yes actually that's exactly what happened - I hesitated and the moment passed. Every second that goes by after that just makes it worse and you end up never doing it.

I'm guessing it's little things like that which are really important even if they appear to be pointless?

From talking to someone who you see occasionally, for example on breaks at work, especially in a small group as it usually is, what might happen in between that and getting to know them, being friends with them, meeting up to do things outside work and so on? How does it happen? Seriously, could I have an example please!? ::

Everything is in fact starting to go wrong, in two weeks I may or may not be redundant from the job I've been so comfortable in. Even if I do stay things are going to be different, although in the best case this could mean a few new people to get to know. If I lose this job it means bad things and I don't know what I'll do. It'll be a first class ticket to square one.

ive never had any friend s im 33 i like prog rock pwer metal and wwe tna wrestling i never met anyone with the same interests as me does anybody else like these things i dont know any body that does

you have alot in common with everyone, eating, sleeping, urinating... the list is endless

aj said:

Yes actually that's exactly what happened - I hesitated and the moment passed. Every second that goes by after that just makes it worse and you end up never doing it.

I'm guessing it's little things like that which are really important even if they appear to be pointless?

From talking to someone who you see occasionally, for example on breaks at work, especially in a small group as it usually is, what might happen in between that and getting to know them, being friends with them, meeting up to do things outside work and so on? How does it happen? Seriously, could I have an example please!? ::

Everything is in fact starting to go wrong, in two weeks I may or may not be redundant from the job I've been so comfortable in. Even if I do stay things are going to be different, although in the best case this could mean a few new people to get to know. If I lose this job it means bad things and I don't know what I'll do. It'll be a first class ticket to square one.

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It really is those little things that matter. And for an example, I think you can even just look at the coworkers who've asked you to hang out. and the interactions you've had with them. but i think a lot of times the difference between an acquaintance to someone to hang out with is simply just asking (and be specific about the day to go)... sometimes saying "Hey transformers 3 is coming out this friday- want to go?" can be enough.

i made the closest friend that i had in college because we had a class together, and they asked if i wanted to go to get some coffee and we ended up talking for a few hours, and hanging out once every couple weeks (lol that was my closest friend)

i think that it's a matter of getting the anxiety down and then engaging in positive communication on a daily basis... i think that the fact that are willing to be around people is a good sign.

I hope things go ok and you can keep your job! but if not, just keep in mind that you deserve friends and employment like anybody else does. most people do end up losing their jobs at some point. and also too, if you lose your circle of co-workers, it may take time before you can develop trust again, but hopefully, you can start to recognize moments where you may start to feel tense or close up/ avoid people, and recognize that it's really not that bad and things are ok.

I like being different but perhaps I take pride in it out of defensiveness because deep down still want people to accept me.

I can't just force myself to become interested in the things most people are into so hobbies aren't always the primary means to bridging a connection. I've had some good conversations by talking about feelings and experiences, asking people their opinion on social issues etc, but I have to accept that only a rare few will enjoy conversing with me. Fortunately that means I always know who my real friends are, but I guess with SA the prolonged distance from even close friends doesn't make it much of a consolation.

reslo said:

It really is those little things that matter.

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****ed up today. They were putting up some Halloween decorations at work. I almost joined in but ended up standing there watching as usual. Even had someone bring something to me and tell me to join in. Maybe I'm only comfortable when I make myself feel shitty? Christ I remember doing the exact same thing in Junior school.

Ugh. At this rate then I am due my next friend in 2015 or something. Bearing in mind I don't have any already. ::

Thing is you're right aren't you.