It felt so awkward at work today

light hearted banter often ends up being awkward and serious, not all the time but alot of the time, and if i can't find a decent response i just laugh it off before staying quiet. then the responses are "i was only joking" ...its not a desirable situation, i do feel like a git in those siutations to be honest. i think its because i'm so focussed on the pressure of the fast paced working environment that its all very overwhelming in a way, even the more chatty people in the kitchen end up quiet and awkward because of the pressure of the job ....

today i was like a mute, i clammed up in fear of talking rubbish and being incoherent so i said sweet numero uno for the bulk of the day, then i just went for it and, it feels so uneven and scattered, and not so calm, i really want to be more calm and relaxed so i can keep my wits about me, i'm sure i come across as a little strange for being quiet, i get the feeling they arn't overly impressed with my personality at the moment as a new member of the staff, i wanted to make sure i could fit in well, there are relationships already formed that go back years so its always going to be a challenge, but i just want to be myself and express my thoughts without fearing rejection. perhaps its because i feel that they are stressed and unrelaxed and intense so i react to their habits as well rather then acting as myself in the moment without letting outside distractions phase me.

today i walked out of the place wth a massive head ache from stressing about not talking and being silent, i spent most of the time thinking "they must think i'm a real duffer" as we stood there not speaking. generally i dont mind silences but this was for the entire today and the general atmosphere felt very passive agressive, even though i know it could have come from the stress of the demand for service of the job instead of social expectations ...

hmm, crazy times...we cant always be an ace rimmer one suspects.

I only really speak to people in work if they speak to me. I don't want to say the wrong thing or sound stupid. It's bad enough when I have to speak to the customers.

It doesn't really matter what they think, they're not feeding you. On second thought it is your job, so you'd have to socialize a bit sometimes....but maybe you can tell them you're a bit reserved. You can always try the apologetic stance, if you don't mind feeling more awkward. I believe they will be understanding because you're new and everything.