I'm not depressed... but am I?

What i mean to say is, I'm getting worried that in an effort to stay positive through all things, I'm really just covering a wound instead of treating it.

Since growing up a bit from being a sullen and moody teenager who always focused on the negatives, I've always tried to never linger on negative things by focusing on the positives, or when that's not possible, blocking that out of my mind and focusing on something else entirely. There are some negatives that I've always ended up drifting to though, and these are usually the things I've done wrong in my life, things that happened that I'm embarrassed or ashamed of, typically when I'm trying to get to sleep or other times I'm left alone with my thoughts. I've always tried to turn this someway into my advantage, by reminding myself that if i keep remembering all these things I've done wrong, then I can be sure I'll never do them again, so i guess in some way, I've perpetuated this myself, but I've been willing to do it for the sake of being a better person to all the people in my life.

But now, since I've started having SA, I'm starting to think that maybe this determination to never focus on the negatives in an effort to appear happier, is stopping me from seeing what's really causing my issues, or maybe my constant self-punishment in my mind over things i've done wrong has brought this about, or maybe both, or maybe neither, i really don't know what the problem is, and that's the point in this thread i guess. I know neither sound exactly healthy, but the truth is i feel it's because of these things that I became the person that I was genuinely happy to be (until the SA anyway) and so I was willing to keep going like this.

I don't really know what I expect to get out of this, I was just hoping to have some idea of the problem in my head I could work towards fixing before I started CBT sometime next month

Emarow said:

What i mean to say is, I'm getting worried that in an effort to stay positive through all things, I'm really just covering a wound instead of treating it.

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Yes, that can be true, but the more you stay positive, the more you'll want to stay positive. It beats the hell out of being sulky!

Emarow said:

There are some negatives that I've always ended up drifting to though, and these are usually the things I've done wrong in my life, things that happened that I'm embarrassed or ashamed of, typically when I'm trying to get to sleep or other times I'm left alone with my thoughts.

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Being alone with nothing but thoughts is one of the toughest times to not wander to dangerous thoughts. I have a massive problem with negative thinking, as you do, so an idle mind can bring that out again. That's where CBT comes in handy, and you said you're starting it next month, so that will definitely help you to get through those periods.

Maybe rather than trying to be always positive & never negative, aim for a good balance, somewhere in between - with depression we tend to focus on the bad and devalue the good

MikeyC said:

Yes, that can be true, but the more you stay positive, the more you'll want to stay positive. It beats the hell out of being sulky!

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Actually I second this. As someone who has had depression for a very very long time I do have the option to see a psychiatrist long-term for what I imagine will be at least a few years just to figure out all my underlying problems. But right now I am just living in the present and getting on with life rather than dwelling on all the crap that's happened in the past. I reckon if you think too much you create problems and worries for yourself which do not actually need to be problems. Do you get where I'm coming from?

MikeyC said:

Yes, that can be true, but the more you stay positive, the more you'll want to stay positive. It beats the hell out of being sulky!

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That's pretty much exactly why I started thinking like that, I knew being all sulky and depressed was making it hard on the people around me, and not exactly fun for me either, and i guess it's reminding myself of that that really makes me want to stay positive

scattereddays said:

Actually I second this. As someone who has had depression for a very very long time I do have the option to see a psychiatrist long-term for what I imagine will be at least a few years just to figure out all my underlying problems. But right now I am just living in the present and getting on with life rather than dwelling on all the crap that's happened in the past. I reckon if you think too much you create problems and worries for yourself which do not actually need to be problems. Do you get where I'm coming from?

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I completely get where you're coming from, I've always felt my best and most comfortable when I've not been over thinking things, and it's doing that that conjures up most of the things that actually worry me these days. It just feels like sometimes my "wandering mind" will just attack out of nowhere and before i know what's going on, I've got all these worries and anxieties on my mind.