I thought I had left my damaged past for good...but I haven't. Advice?

I was bullied, teased, threatened, and laughed at for years growing up. I'm over 10 years out of high school now, still trying to rebuild my confidence and improve my ability to make friends and trust others, when someone from my past told my current friends all about the past that I have been trying so hard to forget. Ever since this has happened, I have been overly stressed, over-eating, and having bad dreams. I'd just like some words of advice about what I can do to improve my situation.

Here are some details for those who would like to know:

I grew up most of my life in a pretty small town where everyone went to the same schools. I had a lot of difficulties making friends and getting along with friends while growing up. There were many instances where I tried too hard to fit in and ended up just embarrassing myself, or did something stupid that ended up giving people something to laugh/talk/spread rumors about. I had wronged a lot of people, but I mostly just wronged myself. There were moments where I became a "loner" at school and no one wanted to be my friend. There were other memories of just being laughed at by my peers and being teased, or just being so ashamed of my own stupid mistakes that I did out of immaturity and foolishness that I didn't want to show up to school. My family was going through a lot of difficulties at that time, and I don't want to place the blame entirely on my situation, I guess I was just a late-bloomer when it came to maturing, accepting myself for who I am, and knowing how to make wise choices in social situations. All of this built up into a great deal of continuous social anxiety for me over the years and I eventually withdrew socially and didn't bother to make friendships or be in contact with others at school unless I had to.

After I graduated from high school, I was desperate to start completely fresh. I had my name legally changed, left for college about 40 miles away, and made new friends. I worked on myself, my emotional growth, and my personal maturity, but making friends was still difficult. I had a great deal of emotional insecurities, and I was very hesitant to make friends, but I tried my best. I eventually developed some friendships that have lasted since college (10 years), and I tried my best to never looked back on my past. Because my college was still so close to my hometown, once in a while, a good friend of mine will run into someone from my hometown, who will recognize me and call me by my birth name. Every time this would happen, I would just tense up and all those feelings of shame and insecurities, and embarrassing moments from my past would resurface. I'd usually try to keep cool and calm, then I would try to ease out of the interaction and hope that my past embarrassments aren't shared with my friend, but it is always so hard to do, and I end up choosing to give up on being in contact with my friend for fear of them knowing too much about my past that I've tried so hard to run away from.

I'm now 10 years out of college. I've managed to keep a close group of friends from college who have been there for me throughout my college and post-college journey, but none who really know about who I was before college. I still have difficulties building friendships and trusting others, so I don't keep in touch with my friends too regularly. Recently, my group of friends became very close friends with someone from my hometown. She told them about my birth name, and my friends began to ask me questions about it. I don't know what else she must be telling them about me, but it just creates soooo much emotional anxiety and fear and insecurities. I don't know how to deal with this everytime another one of my "closest" friends asks me about my real name--- I know they must know other things about my past. I was bullied and tormented and laughed at throughout my childhood and I only want to escape from all of it so that I can move on and try to rebuild myself without being burdened by my embarassing and hurtful past.

Now that this deals with my entire group of college friends and not just one sole friend, I cannot bear to walk away from my friendship with these people. They are all the friends that I have. This girl from my past, however, will also be a part of our "group" it seems, and I cannot change that.

Is there any advice, words of wisdom, any help that you can offer to me to help me relieve some of this anxiety that I have? And, when another friend asks me to verify whether or not I did go by my former name, how should I best respond to that? I don't want to make a huge deal out of it. I just want to shake my past, and my past just won't let go. Please help!

Try this:

High School upsets

Exercise to disconnect you emotionally from a particular person

Listen to the sound file at the bottom of the pages while being relaxed and alone (so no one bothers/disturbs you).

See if it helps , good luck!

To me friends are just people who you socialize with here and there. You really have to learn to depend on yourself for the major things in life. When I was having my own troubles years ago my Father said to me "You want a friend buy a dog". I laughed but I realized there was a lot of truth to it. You can't really count on your friends for much and he truth is you really shouldn't.

I remember one night myself and some friends were in car and we made a pact that if any of us needed the others for help we'd all ben there for each other. Its a nice thing to say and hear but the reality is your on your own. Now I'm not saying if a friend get hurt in an accident don't go visit him because you have work.

I would however confront the person who told about your past and tell them to mind there own business and two can play the same game.

Remember you can always start over. You did it once you can do it again. You learned a great lesson and I'm glad you shared it.

It's going to take a long time for you to feel good about yourself but getting on with your life as best you can is a step in the right direction and don’t let hate eat you up its counterproductive read some of the story’s on this site I’m sure it will put things in perspective and good luck.

I can totally relate katez, i to was tormented throughout my childhood. I tried so hard to make friends, a little too hard i think. Being young and naive i thought being ridiculously nice to everyone would make people like me, i was wrong. I would get so lonely, and i was embarrassed by this, i didn't want my classmates to think i was a loner so sometimes (during breaks) i would even try to sit near other kids so it looked like i had friends. You should be very proud of yourself for all your progress, but you really need to tell this girl from your hometown to mind her own business. Try not to stress to much about your friends knowing your past, if they are real friends then they wont judge you for it. Perhaps talking about your past with your friends is the best way to let it go? remember that you are a stronger person than you were back then, you can and will move on from this.

You know, this could be a very good thing, that this girl has become a part of your group. See it symbolically, being able to accept your past as a small part of yourself. Maybe that person has grown a bit, and you can talk to her a little bit more each time you see her as a means of accepting that part of your past. You may realize that she has changed

Have you grieved over these insults? Have you cried, let it out, taken up boxing, released these emotions of pain somewhere? Have you tried writing letters to those who hurt you, (but not sending them)? It is only natural to hold a grudge after you have been hurt so badly.. But when you forgive these people, these people will stop having such control over your life (through the past trauma that seems to be affecting your life in such a way).

Maybe take out some books on forgiving bullies, and have you tried therapy? It can be immensely helpful for post traumatic stress disorder, ESPECIALLY if you haven't been able to share these intense feelings of pain with anybody! That alone will allow you to let go if it a lot more. It has hurt you for a long time, and so there is going to be a lot to release...

Once you're able to take your past more lightly, your past will probably still bother you but you will be able to accept when others bring it up... If you share about it openly, you will be acting like it's not big deal. You are who you pretend to be, by acting like it's no big deal you may begin to view it as just that! You will also share the perceived knowlege that person that was made fun of so often isn't who you are.
I think that when people ask you about it, you should share it. It could very well help you realize that that's not who you are anymore, that in fact you never were any of the things that they told you you were. The person who is asking about it will also feel that if you are able to share it, you must not believe what those cruel people said about you, and it will show a sort of confidence versus having them find it out some other way.
And of course, a true friend will really want to know everything about you so that you can become closer and understand eachother more... Everybody understands bullying, I don't know if there's anybody that hasn't been bullied at least on a small scale. Bullies themselves, especially! A friend will want to be there for you to work it out.