Housebound

I just don't care about anything anymore. At the end of every day I literally get a migrane from all of the unwanted thoughts. I have spent most of my time in my parent's house for the past several months watching T.V. or staring at a computer screen all day, because I have nothing better to do. Aside from getting food, I generally sit or lay in bed all day, because i'm tired of the anxiety that accompanies going out. My muscles are starting to feel weak as well, and I know this is very unhealthy...

To add on to my post:

I feel like life is a very scary place, and it's extremely hard to keep in line. I'm afraid that I might "slip up" and hurt someone if i'm not careful enough. All of my obsessions revolve around harming others and, sometimes even animals.

I also have a strong fear of hell. I question myself and humanity in general, wondering if we "need God" to not do terrible things. I was raised in a Christian home, but became an Atheist around age 17. I was happy as ever with my new found freedom and open-minded perception of the world for a couple of years, until around age 20. (23 now) The past three years of my life have been hell, constantly second-guessing myself and obsessing. My obsessions started out as harming obsessions, but turned into fear of being a pedophile. I feel so helpless and paralyzed by my thoughts.

I can totally relate to what you wrote,I go through phases of being housebound as my anxiety/agoraphobia is severe.

I don't suffer from OCD but I'm sorry your having stressing thoughts like that.I have luckily been able to learn a little bit about OCD thanks to people talking about their issues on here.The thoughts you are having seem to be very common sadly.

Anyway it sounds like you have got stuck in a bit of a rut at the moment.It's really hard to get out of something like this,but it is more than possible.You have to ask yourself if your happy living the way you are...do you really want to be in the same situation 5 years from now.

The answer is hopefully no,so try and use that to build motivation to fight your anxiety.Start off very slowly and with baby steps.Like maybe start going for a short walk round the block.Then after you have done that a few times,try walking to the shop to treat yourself to some nice food.

It can be really hard to force yourself to go out after you have been housebound for a while as our social contacts are zero or few,it seems like we have little reason to go out.It often feels like were forcing ourselves to go out for the sake of it but that sort of thinking will get us no where.Which is why it's so important to try and find good reasons to motivate yourself to get out.If you like computer games,maybe walk into town to buy yourself a new game as a treat for going up town.

I hope this helps as this is what I'm currently trying to do at the moment...it's so hard when you first start,but once you make a little progress it lifts your spirits and get's the ball rolling.

Thanks for the reply. I'm actually pretty concerned that I may be a pedophile, and my OCD just makes it worse. I'm definitely not a sex offender, though, and have no plans to touch children inappropriately or anything. I also am questioning if God is punishing me for denying him, so recently I repented of my sins and became a Christian again. This way, at least I don't have to go through life thinking I might be wrong in my beliefs and fear hell. (which I was taught is eternal unimaginable suffering)
I guess it's a Pascal's wager of sorts.
If anything, fear of hell is not helping me recover, so I might as well believe while I continue to seek psychological help. I'm not going to become one if those "bible thumpers" or whatever, preaching to people on streets, etc. I'm just asking for God's help, and will definitely keep an open mind to what I believe. I WILL NOT follow him blindly. In fact, i'm totally open to becoming an Atheist in the future if that feels like the right path. Basically, life has royally ****ed me from behind, and as a confident teenage I never thought I would turn out like this. ;( Perhaps one day I will feel like myself again...

Hello,

I do not suffer from OCD, but I feel I can still contribute to an answer. A lot of people, I believe, will fear posting on this thread because you mentioned "pedophiles". That is indeed a scary thing, but something that has to be addressed nevertheless - not looked away from or ignored, in my opinion.

You mentioned that you do not wish to touch children innapropriately, but you obsess over your fear of hurting people. Maybe this is connected in some way? Both count as hurting someone.

Either way, if you feel so so badly about it, I do not think you actually WANT to hurt people, it's just your Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Personally, I don't think that forcing yourself to stop obessing over things is the way to go. I believe that going out, having goals, achieving things and enjoying life is something that will put you in a position where you will no longer have the need (or time) to obsess over things.

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL - it is only us who make it difficult for ourselves. That is THE TRUTH. Any other position on life is misconstructed by our imaginary fears or false believes. You're right though, society does f**k up people... but that's life - there is absolutely nothing you can do about where you were born or how you were raised or what happened to you as a defenseless child. You have to take what you're given and work with it... what else can you do? Cry about it and avoid living life? Why? You are given one life and YOU CHOOSE what you do with it... KICK ASS with what you were given.

I also want to address other things that you mentioned - religion and hell. Religion is something so ludicrous - to put it simply, it is based on belief (ie nothing *real*, just blind believe.) Would you believe in something and build your life around that just because someone simply told you it was true? NO... it's ridiculous. Use what you know is real = you exist and you have a brain which can decide/rationalize what sounds real to you... base your life on that.

That is how I have built my life. I am not atheist and I am not religious. I certainly don't "BELIEVE in God", but I rationalize and KNOW that there must be a God... and I know that THERE IS A "GOD"... because it's been proven to me through life experiences and rationalization of those experiences (not by blind believe.) I also think that religion has a lot of useful/truthful messages, but religion as a whole is not something that I will simply swallow up and believe - that's a silly thing to do.

I also reason that there IS NO hell - it's just a stupid idea. How could hell be any worse than some of the experiences that some of us have been put through? Lol... if there is a hell then existence/the universe has no purpose of existing. Why would God create something that is so irrational - such as "hell" which could not possibly exist because suffering could not get any worse than what we are going through right now. If "hell" does exist then it is something completely irrational (somethin that only ONE (or a few) religion out of MANY religions that exist on earth believes) which would make our existance impossible - because our universe is based on structure, patterns, and "harmony"(things working together to make something bigger). So you tell me, what exists - an imaginary place that some people believe is real or the FACT that YOU exist, and that you have a brain that rationalizes, that the universe is based on structure/laws?




Allright, I feel like I've made my point and I am making this too long. I do not wish to "tie your head in a knot" so I will make a few quick points:

- Go out - LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL my friend. I know this is the truth... I use to belive that life was hard and hurtful.
But the simple fact is - that it is not . I'm beginging to realize this now. Us people with anxiety/psychological problems
(I have Social Anxiety) tend to see life incorrectly because our fears often prevent us from experiencing it and actually
seeing how it is. But recently, I have been able to face my fears and face life and begin to see how it really is.
And "believe" ME (if you will, if you decide to trust me), life is not hurtful or difficult. IT IS BEAUTIFUL.

- Hell does not exist. It is simply an imaginary place that some religions have created to scare their followers and keep
them in control (some people just feel the need to have "followers" for whatever reason). Hell existing would be too
irrational to be possible in this universe/existence. It is simply another belief that people have... which we have a lot of .

- You are what you are... have you hurt someone? Have you touched children innapropriately? If so, then you are
someone that enjoys hurting people and/or a pedophile. Or are you just a guy with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
who obsesses over these things - whom has a tendency to over-obsess about any little thing? (ie - you're just obessing simple as that).

- You CAN get out of this. You seem like a nice and rational guy (ie- able to do it). Baby steps my friend.....




Let me know if you'd like to discuss more things... I'm happy to listen and give you my opinion on it. Good Luck!

hey frogger,

I have OCD and I can relate to the endless broken record that goes on in your mind. I've also been mostly homebound for many years.

Easy Skankin made a good point about the pedo thoughts.

I've also had pedofile thoughts and fear of harming children. This seems to be a common OCD symptom for some people. Whenever I get those thoughts I try to tell myself it's a symptom of the OCD and not ME actually wanting to do anything.

I've read about pedophiles and also discussed with a counselor who has done extensive study of pedophiles and both of those sources say that pedos don't feel guilty about what they're doing and actually enjoy the idea.

It may sound odd, but when I get those thoughts, I try to take comfort in knowing that I don't enjoy them and that I have no desire to act on them.

I know exactly what your feel. It sounds like your really depressed. I would go to your doctor and ask for help.

I'm housebound myself but I don't feel THAT bad. You say you're muscles are weakening from doing nothing. Well, get yourself some amusement. Find fun in jogging in house and try jogging outside after a while. Or get yourself a Wii to keep moving. This may sound stupid, but a Wii as kinda fun. Too bad that most games are .. how do you call it .. for kids.

I'm sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time. I know it is not easy and have suffered many of the same fears you have; including harming others (my fiancee) and being a pedophile. The truth is; I still deal with these thoughts everyday (not so much the pedophile issue anymore). If you are anything like me, you are probably kind and gentle, and not capable of such terrible deeds. There are many things I could tell you to disprove your fears, but that is not what you need to hear. What you need to hear is that you must stand up to your fears. When you have a horrible thought you must tell yourself " I need to take risks to be free, so I'm going to take the risk". Please don't think that I'm implying that it is as simple as it sounds, because I'm not. Truth be told, it is scary as hell and often it makes you feel horrible. You must be brave, you must be strong, and you must fight for your life. After all, it's the only one you have, and you deserve to be happy. By the way, since your muscles are feeling weak, and exercise releases endorphins; get up out of bed and go for a walk or run. No one ever feels worse after doing some exercise. I hope that you start to feel better sooner than later. Best of luck to you!