An introduction / life story / blog type thing
I was born in 1995 and by 1999 my parents had divorced. What little I remember of those years is violent arguments. Plates smashing and hiding under the bed with my older sister Vahro was how I spent most days. At preschool, I was just like every other kid, if a little quiet. I guess that is how my SA really began. I had to be quiet in preschool because I didn't trust myself to say anything. I remember telling my self not to say anything about home life in case I got Mum and Dad in trouble.
My the time I was four, Dad had walked out on us. We lived in rural Aberdeen (north Scotland) until I was seven when Mum's job forced us to London. I was behind in school but that was put down to me missing Dad and they thought I would soon catch up. In the year or so that followed, I was diagnosed with Dyspraxia, a cousin of the more common Dyslexia. I was really struggling in school and had few friends. It must have been about that time that Mum met Russell, the man who became my stepfather.
In the next year, Mum had a daughter by him, Kelyah. Keke, as we called her, was born profoundly disabled and it was not long after having her that Mum was diagnosed with cancer. During this time, Russell began to drink. I almost never saw him as he spent most of his time in the pub. It fell to me and Vahro (15 months older than me) to look after Keke. I spoke to no-one outside the home in case I let slip about my home life. I would do anything to protect my family and if I told anyone, social services might have got involved. His drinking got worse, as did the health of Mum and Keke until March 2006 when Mum died in her bed at home having refused to go into a hospice. Varho and I hugged her and sang to her in her final hours until she died in our arms. I was ten years old. A few weeks later, Keke died in her sleep. She was three years old.
I was in year six at the time and was just starting to get exited about going into year 7. Big school. Not long after I started year 7, aged 11, I hit puberty. I little early perhaps but the first few dark hairs appearing under my arms and my chest noticeably not quite little-girl flat, I was definitely developing.
The drinking of Russ got worse during this time got worse and worse, with Vahro and I bearing the brunt of his temper. He became violent and began to make sexual advances towards us. At school, the bulling started. I was very slight and short and very dumb and very quiet. I wore second-hand ill fitting uniform, glasses and braces. I was bully-bait really. Home life and school life got worse and worse and worse. At school , by the time I was thirteen, I new something was very different about me. All the girls, for I went to an all-girls school, were talking about boys and sex and I just wasn't into any of that.
A year or so later I had two epiphanies. My step-father was grooming me for sex and I was almost certainly a lesbian.
My world was flipped upside down when I was fifteen years old. By this point I was wearing contact lenses and had had my braces removed but was still being bullied. I had been hospitalised through being beaten up by the bullies three times, seven broken bones in total. I was fifteen when my step-father raped me. I was powerless to stop him. I knew he was doing to same to Vahro. At that point, I was glad Keke had died when she was so young. She will never know the brutality of life.
By sixteen, I was being raped almost weekly and beaten or threatened with violence daily. A human being can only put up with so much bull**** before they surrender or fight. I fought. I went to my teachers about the bulling. I came out as gay. I reported my step-father to the police. Within a week, all change. The bullies excluded and my step-father arrested. Two weeks after I snapped, Varho slit her wrists, unable to cope any more. Her death was the final straw.
My mother and two sisters were dead. I was the talk of the school, the short queer kid who got the popular girls in trouble for bulling. I ran away. Picked up by police three week later, out of it on cannabis, I was re-united with my biological father. I kicked the drug habit eventually and came to terms with the loss of my sisters and mother and what that drunkard did to me.
The social scars have stuck. After the divorce, my father leaving, the deaths of Mum, Keke and Vahro, the bulling, the not being believed about any of it, social situations make me want to vomit. I have literally vomited a few times. My heart races, my palms sweat, I blush, feel faint and sick, hyperventilate.
I was diagnosed with SA a few month ago. They said my life had meant my idea of social situations was violent arguments and drunken men and bulling. That fear is real, they told me, but I can overcome it. I want to overcome this but I will take a long long time and it will take a lot of people. I have my therapist. I am learning to have a relationship with my father, I have taken the plunge and started college, a year late but I made it. I joined this place because I wanted to talk to people who know what its like. I can overcome this and I BLOODY WELL WILL, I just need a few years to undo what has been done.
So there it is. The life of Muka.
*edit - for those who can't be bother with maths, I am now 17 year sold.*
I was born in 1995 and by 1999 my parents had divorced. What little I remember of those years is violent arguments. Plates smashing and hiding under the bed with my older sister Vahro was how I spent most days. At preschool, I was just like every other kid, if a little quiet. I guess that is how my SA really began. I had to be quiet in preschool because I didn't trust myself to say anything. I remember telling my self not to say anything about home life in case I got Mum and Dad in trouble.
My the time I was four, Dad had walked out on us. We lived in rural Aberdeen (north Scotland) until I was seven when Mum's job forced us to London. I was behind in school but that was put down to me missing Dad and they thought I would soon catch up. In the year or so that followed, I was diagnosed with Dyspraxia, a cousin of the more common Dyslexia. I was really struggling in school and had few friends. It must have been about that time that Mum met Russell, the man who became my stepfather.
In the next year, Mum had a daughter by him, Kelyah. Keke, as we called her, was born profoundly disabled and it was not long after having her that Mum was diagnosed with cancer. During this time, Russell began to drink. I almost never saw him as he spent most of his time in the pub. It fell to me and Vahro (15 months older than me) to look after Keke. I spoke to no-one outside the home in case I let slip about my home life. I would do anything to protect my family and if I told anyone, social services might have got involved. His drinking got worse, as did the health of Mum and Keke until March 2006 when Mum died in her bed at home having refused to go into a hospice. Varho and I hugged her and sang to her in her final hours until she died in our arms. I was ten years old. A few weeks later, Keke died in her sleep. She was three years old.
I was in year six at the time and was just starting to get exited about going into year 7. Big school. Not long after I started year 7, aged 11, I hit puberty. I little early perhaps but the first few dark hairs appearing under my arms and my chest noticeably not quite little-girl flat, I was definitely developing.
The drinking of Russ got worse during this time got worse and worse, with Vahro and I bearing the brunt of his temper. He became violent and began to make sexual advances towards us. At school, the bulling started. I was very slight and short and very dumb and very quiet. I wore second-hand ill fitting uniform, glasses and braces. I was bully-bait really. Home life and school life got worse and worse and worse. At school , by the time I was thirteen, I new something was very different about me. All the girls, for I went to an all-girls school, were talking about boys and sex and I just wasn't into any of that.
A year or so later I had two epiphanies. My step-father was grooming me for sex and I was almost certainly a lesbian.
My world was flipped upside down when I was fifteen years old. By this point I was wearing contact lenses and had had my braces removed but was still being bullied. I had been hospitalised through being beaten up by the bullies three times, seven broken bones in total. I was fifteen when my step-father raped me. I was powerless to stop him. I knew he was doing to same to Vahro. At that point, I was glad Keke had died when she was so young. She will never know the brutality of life.
By sixteen, I was being raped almost weekly and beaten or threatened with violence daily. A human being can only put up with so much bull**** before they surrender or fight. I fought. I went to my teachers about the bulling. I came out as gay. I reported my step-father to the police. Within a week, all change. The bullies excluded and my step-father arrested. Two weeks after I snapped, Varho slit her wrists, unable to cope any more. Her death was the final straw.
My mother and two sisters were dead. I was the talk of the school, the short queer kid who got the popular girls in trouble for bulling. I ran away. Picked up by police three week later, out of it on cannabis, I was re-united with my biological father. I kicked the drug habit eventually and came to terms with the loss of my sisters and mother and what that drunkard did to me.
The social scars have stuck. After the divorce, my father leaving, the deaths of Mum, Keke and Vahro, the bulling, the not being believed about any of it, social situations make me want to vomit. I have literally vomited a few times. My heart races, my palms sweat, I blush, feel faint and sick, hyperventilate.
I was diagnosed with SA a few month ago. They said my life had meant my idea of social situations was violent arguments and drunken men and bulling. That fear is real, they told me, but I can overcome it. I want to overcome this but I will take a long long time and it will take a lot of people. I have my therapist. I am learning to have a relationship with my father, I have taken the plunge and started college, a year late but I made it. I joined this place because I wanted to talk to people who know what its like. I can overcome this and I BLOODY WELL WILL, I just need a few years to undo what has been done.
So there it is. The life of Muka.
*edit - for those who can't be bother with maths, I am now 17 year sold.*
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