Expectation vs Reality

Miserum

Well-known member
My expectations for how the world should treat me doesn't sync with the actuality of the world.

And it's probably yet another cause in the puzzle known as my social anxiety.

Despite the pitfalls of my adolescence, I had a relatively happy childhood up until the age of 5, when my parents divorced. I guess this happiness extended to about the age of 8 before shit started to hit the fan.

My point is, maybe I'm stuck in that pre-shit-hitting-the-fan era in my mind, and in essence, in my heart, believe that the world is supposed to actually be warm and fuzzy and coddling.

But it's not. Of course it's not and I know this. Maybe I just desire it to be so badly that I've developed some form of cognitive dissonance where I can't reconcile my feelings with what is real. I desire to go back to the "good ol' days" where I had a loving family and loving friends, and everything was beautiful.

But alas, that reality can only exist for ignorant children, and probably, millionaires; I should probably accept that instead of wallowing in self-pity, which is totally useless. Actually, people in the real world are crass, rude, selfish, devious, and unthinking--for a variety of reasons. This is nothing new, but seeing it in the light of my personal cognitive dissonance might be. The more I think about it, the more I feel like having a victim worldview is the worldview a spineless ***** would have. And I've certainly felt like one for a long time. "The world is shit. Get used it," as my dad would probably say.

And as they say, you can never go home again.

Maybe I should go out in the world expecting the worst, but also understanding the worst as default. Seems I can adapt more readily this way, instead of constantly thinking that people should treat me nicely or fairly.
 
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Hot_Tamale

Well-known member
I like the chess match you play in your mind with the world. "This is the way the world really is and maybe I should expect the worst when I step outside of my home". Like you're anticipating a certain response in advance (from the world) and planning several steps ahead (not playing the "victim" card anymore?). Correct me if I'm dead wrong.

I love anticipating people's actions in advance and putting their words through a filter in my mind to see if their actions are lining up with their words. But I only do that in 1-on-1 friendships.

I agree with your assumption that having a victim mentality is the worldview a "spineless @$#%" would adopt. In my experiences, adopting that mindset only invites more sh*t upon myself. I can use a lot of my experiences from my time on OKcupid.com as examples.

As a person that has had an elephant-sized amount of sh*t dropped on him as of late, adopting the victim mentality isn't smart from my experiences but slinging sh*t 10 times as worse back at someone else isn't what my current personality is suited for either.
 

Miserum

Well-known member
I like the chess match you play in your mind with the world. "This is the way the world really is and maybe I should expect the worst when I step outside of my home". Like you're anticipating a certain response in advance (from the world) and planning several steps ahead (not playing the "victim" card anymore?). Correct me if I'm dead wrong.

You're pretty much correct. But I'm not planning. It's more of an attitude than a plan: to just expect and accept the worst from people and understand that there's not much to do about it. Such behavior is the norm and has been since the advent of civilization, not some contradiction to whatever happy fantasy land I wish the world were and that I once lived in as an ignorant little kid. The world is a dark, dangerous, seedy place and I accept that. I refuse to see myself as a victim any longer because that is a loser mentality and a sad way to go about life. Rather, I am just another human being trying to survive.

Of course, it's easy to say this, but I've already taken action in public over the past two days with this new mindset. Without getting into the specifics, I already feel way more confident than I have in years.

I agree with your assumption that having a victim mentality is the worldview a "spineless @$#%" would adopt. In my experiences, adopting that mindset only invites more sh*t upon myself. I can use a lot of my experiences from my time on OKcupid.com as examples.

As a person that has had an elephant-sized amount of sh*t dropped on him as of late, adopting the victim mentality isn't smart from my experiences but slinging sh*t 10 times as worse back at someone else isn't what my current personality is suited for either.

You're completely right. See, I'm always trying to analyze what the next best step for me to take in my life is. The first was joining this forum. The second will probably be packing on some muscle. I used to be muscular before I injured myself and people treated me much better when I looked like I could **** shit up. I realize that sounds shallow but people really do treat you accordingly, at least at first, based on your appearance. Being strong is empowering, a feeling that "victims" rarely ever experience. So if I'm going forward with my newfound empowerment philosophy as a non-victim, I might as well supplement that with things that are actually empowering. I don't like starting shit either, but looking like you can do some damage acts as a preventive buffer against unhappy or unkind people.
 

Bronson99

Well-known member
I agree with your assumption that having a victim mentality is the worldview a "spineless @$#%" would adopt. In my experiences, adopting that mindset only invites more sh*t upon myself. I can use a lot of my experiences from my time on OKcupid.com as examples.

Victimization will not help with "online dating" that is for sure, but can you be certain that a lack of such would help? I cannot, I don't dare tread those waters anymore, because to me it really IS just as cynical and awful as I worried it would be.

I can only conclude that being 6'2" and strong/handsome is the way to go for men; barring that, providing "evidence" of being some adventurous guy with an exciting life, hopefully with pictures to back that up. How many of us here, for instance, can be either one? I don't strike the box for the first, and I'm not able nor willing to adapt to become some "social/exciting creature" hoping to meet some fool's approval with my exciting pictures and hella-cool wit.

That leaves meeting folks in real life, as the only viable option. Which unfortunately takes a lot more courage. But I'd rather do that than feel worthless for getting nothing from crappy dating sites, for years on end.
 

Hot_Tamale

Well-known member
Victimization will not help with "online dating" that is for sure, but can you be certain that a lack of such would help? I cannot, I don't dare tread those waters anymore, because to me it really IS just as cynical and awful as I worried it would be.
I don't believe women are on online dating sites to play the role of so-called "superhero" in someone else's life if that person plays the "victim" card. In my case I have never met a woman like that nor in the real world.

I can only conclude that being 6'2" and strong/handsome is the way to go for men; barring that, providing "evidence" of being some adventurous guy with an exciting life, hopefully with pictures to back that up. How many of us here, for instance, can be either one? I don't strike the box for the first, and I'm not able nor willing to adapt to become some "social/exciting creature" hoping to meet some fool's approval with my exciting pictures and hella-cool wit.
I feel you may be right. I wish I could contact the fit/exciting men and the obese/unwitty men and compare their success rates to verify this...then again who is to say they wouldn't stretch the truth and pull lies straight from their @sses about their success (hypothetically of course).

That leaves meeting folks in real life, as the only viable option. Which unfortunately takes a lot more courage. But I'd rather do that than feel worthless for getting nothing from crappy dating sites, for years on end.
I wish you the best of luck in that aspect meeting others in the real world then because I've had almost enough humiliation from being rejected over the years.
 
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Bronson99

Well-known member
Or the holodeck, Inspector Data.

Taken quite literally--if we presume this means VR, which may eventually become a mainstream technology, sooner or later--I still don't feel it would be an adequate substitute for the real thing.

I mean sure, that's about the best some guy who is 5'3", obviously autistic, and fat is going to be able to do--I know a guy like this and boy do I ever feel bad for him. I think he'll be happy to take that expensive VR and make the best of it, as no actual woman will ever be interested.

But as for the rest of us, presumably average height and in decent shape, relatively average looks... I just don't think it should be SO impossible that we have 0% chance of ever finding some fulfillment with the opposite gender.
 

Bronson99

Well-known member
I wish you the best of luck in that aspect meeting others in the real world then because I've had almost enough humiliation from being rejected over the years.

If you can pretend to be the way you would be after theoretically taking a hit of some potently euphoric substance (I don't recommend this, but theoretically), that would eventually bring you success. Security in self and emanating "fun" is pretty much as close to a guarantee as you can get (barring being 5'3" heavy and autistic simultaneously.)
 

Miserum

Well-known member
Taken quite literally--if we presume this means VR, which may eventually become a mainstream technology, sooner or later--I still don't feel it would be an adequate substitute for the real thing.

I mean sure, that's about the best some guy who is 5'3", obviously autistic, and fat is going to be able to do--I know a guy like this and boy do I ever feel bad for him. I think he'll be happy to take that expensive VR and make the best of it, as no actual woman will ever be interested.

But as for the rest of us, presumably average height and in decent shape, relatively average looks... I just don't think it should be SO impossible that we have 0% chance of ever finding some fulfillment with the opposite gender.

I'm giving VR a few years to develop. Right now it's a toddler. I've tried several iterations myself and it's extremely impressive, but too expensive and does not reach outside of the technophilic circle. I agree that VR won't replace a real relationship anytime soon, but if we carry our imaginations far enough into the future where technology is full form or AI reigns supreme, who knows what kind of relationships we'll have with our virtual counterparts. They could be as realistic as relationships today, or even better.

For now, approaching people is the best way to make new friends and SOs. The problem is, as you've mentioned, actually having the courage to do so.

I've approached women from time to time with varying success. But my SA, depression, and low self-esteem have thwarted me from doing it consistently. I really think it's a numbers game if you're an average joe. The more you do it, the better you become at it, and the more fearless you become as well. Probability says the more women you approach, the more success you'll have.
 

Hot_Tamale

Well-known member
Probability says the more women you approach, the more success you'll have.
You confused me here for a moment. You're referring to the law of averages that says the more an action is repeated the better the chances are that you will get the desired outcome. That's the message I'm getting. That's very motivational to me.

I wish life was like an algebra equation: (me) + 2x = relationship. Solve for "x" 😆😆 x is the number of tries it takes to find a relationship. That would makes things a lot easier, haha.
 

Miserum

Well-known member
Incoming horrible pick-up line:

Scene: At the local pub. I see major babe sitting by herself. Walks over.

"Aye grill"(hands over napkin with equation):

Problem: -(me) + you(x) = b, where x = "yes, you can buy me a drink" and b = best sex of your life. Solve for x.

*She solves for x*

Answer: x = b+me/you. In other words, her answer: "Yes, you can buy me a drink" leads to the best sex of her life... with me, alllll over her.

I'm ****ing stupid.

Of course in reality she'd solve that equation by slapping the shit out of me or tossing her drink in my face.
 

Miserum

Well-known member
How about this one?

9x - 7i > 3(3x - 7u)

9x - 7i > 9x - 21u

- 7i > - 21u

7i < 21u

i <3 u

Hahaha. This one is certainly... cleaner... than mine. I actually might steal this. Throw in a sketch of a napping Raichu on that napkin for shits and giggles and I think you've got a winner. :)
 
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