everything is a game

Hey everyone,

I haven't started a thread on one of these boards in years. Honestly I don't even know how to start this off. I've come a long way in the past few years when it comes to my social anxiety. Over the course of time i've learned to be much more confident in myself and much more outspoken. Any one looking at me or to initially meet me would never even dream that I suffered from social anxiety. I'm probably one of those guys that most of us hate because they just seem to have everything together and are so confident. I mean I don't think i'm as socially anxious as I used to be, i'm actually relatively comfortable talking to people now and i'm pretty smooth when it comes to talking to women to be honest. I know my strengths and weaknesses and I guess after dealing with it for so long you just find ways to manage it. The problem is that I never actually feel authentic with people. Everything is kind of a game to me. Relationships with people seem like nothing more than points in this little scoring system i've developed. Ways to prove to myself that I'm the outgoing, funny person that I've always wanted to be. It's sad because I never feel like I actually connect with anyone or let my full and honest opinion be known. That's not to say that I don't connect with anyone, it's just most of the time I feel as if I'm reading from a script in a movie and as long as it follows the script, well, things really can't be that bad. I just feel as if i'm losing myself, nothing in my life seems real anymore. Relationships with people are just a scene or a marker for a successful social life. I never actually do anything that's actually from my heart, it seems that I just act out to make sure that they see me the way that I want them to see me. I'm losing any trace of the person that I am, and I'm wearing myself thin. I've lost all motivation to carry out anything in my life (School, work, hobbies, etc.) nothing just seems worth it anymore, and as much as I want to feel dedicated to something I'm not. I feel like i've lost all passion in everything and my main focus in life has been conquering this crippling, sad, annoying, bothersome, hateful disorder called Social Anxiety. While i've found ways to deal with it, it's taking up all of my energy and exhausting me to the point where I'm just numb and depressed all of the time. I want to just break this and start getting my life back on track but I just can't do it as hard as I really do try. Just throwing this out there hoping someone can relate to this or if I really am losing my damn mind.

That was just beautiful. Well written.

I too feel like life is just a game. Most people play to win. It seems you have succeeded at life’s little games, and so that is when another problem presents itself. So I’ve ‘won’, now what? You start to search for meaning/purpose. You start to need a deeper or richer existence, than just ticking all the right boxes.

I have some questions for you. I ask this of myself too, just wondering what you think.

“The problem is that I never actually feel authentic with people. Everything is kind of a game to me”
What is authentic?

“ It's sad because I never feel like I actually connect with anyone or let my full and honest opinion be known”
What does it feel like to ‘connect’? How will you know when you have connected?
About the honest opinion not being shown, is this because you don’t have an opinion; or have to pretend to fit the identity you’ve made for yourself?

“start getting my life back on track but I just can't do it as hard as I really do try”

When was it ‘on track’, if you are trying to get back to this ideal time?

I'm in a similar situation, when I tell people about my SA they are like "are you serious? But you are so outgoing!" They don't see the difference between my 'representative' as I call her in some situations and who I actually am.

I've been discussing this with my therapist, because it was one of my 'coping' mechanisms I use to get through social situations. He told me that playing a role during a social situation is commonly accepted, in fact, most people do it without realising it.

The problem with me lies in the fact that because of my SA, I am very very sensitive and wary about the motives and bodylanguage of others. I can spot a fake from miles. Which is a good thing, as it keeps me away from dishonest people, but here's the backdraw - it also means that what I despise in others, I also despise in my 'representative'. Which in turn means I am hurting my self esteem, which is not a good thing when you already have SA and don't feel that confident anyways ...
Not to mention that people have a skewed view of who you are, and when they get to know the 'real' you, they feel betrayed and you feel upset cause they can't accept you cause its different to what you let them believe (well, for me lol).

I'm currently trying to find a way to be more authentic as you call it, takes allot of guts goes hand in hand with CBT for me