Divorcing and stuck in the middle

What to do ... what to do ...

Well, right before the holidays and my SIL says she and my brother are going to get a divorce. Apparently, when she said to him in October, "it's been 13 years we've been together" to which my brother replied, "it sure seems longer than that"

Of course that set things off. She said that my brother told her that he never has trusted her. Yes, after all these years and children and a house...and he did not say a word. He's afraid she'll turn into her mother...etc. kinda lame, flimsy excuses if you ask me but whatever. None of my business.

anyhow, more to the point...where does this leave me? Yes, I am being selfish because for many years, I have put my life on hold, literally and now something drastic must be done. I mean if I stay and continue to do what I am doing - watching the kids - so how long can I last? I will have the kids more and more, on weekends cuz mommy has a date, in the evening cuz mommy has stay late at work, you name it.

Any advice on how I should approach this? Right now my head is swimming with horrid thoughts of being here til the day I die and I don't want that, I can't and this scares me to death.

I want to sit down and tell them how I feel, etc., and tell them I will give them say, 6 months, and then I am moving out. But is this the best time to say it? Or is this the 'opening' that I was hoping for to talk with them seriously? Is 6 months reasonable, should I give them a year? Should I give them less time?

My plan would be to move to NC with my grandmother and 'restart' my life if that makes sense. Hell, I don't know. Then I'd be taking care of people there...I have no way of getting a job at the moment because all I do is watch kids. It's only going to get worse once the divorce is final. I don't have money nor get paid to just save up any either.

I feel like this could be either the end or the beginning for me. It could go either way.

And I am not being over-dramatic and i know the divorce is going to be so traumatic for the kids, etc. and that is the main focus and I may sound selfish to some people with what I am thinking about, but I must do something otherwise, what is going to happen in the long run.

I'm probably projecting my own issues onto your situation....but (forgive me). Maybe taking care of the kids was an excuse not to start your life? And if that is the case, you need to ask yourself what you're afraid of?.....Are you punishing yourself? Yes, taking care of kids is important, but, no one asked you to be Mary Poppins either. Why did it take a divorce, to bring you to this point?

I'm in a very similar situation. Much of it is a result of self-dislike and punishment....I know you love taking care of the kids, but you do need to take care of yourself......if, you still care?

I think it's time for you to live for you. Problem is, the concept of "you" has become blurred, to them. What do you want in life?

ImNotMyIllness said:

I'm probably projecting my own issues onto your situation....but (forgive me). Maybe taking care of the kids was an excuse not to start your life? And if that is the case, you need to ask yourself what you're afraid of?.....Are you punishing yourself? Yes, taking care of kids is important, but, no one asked you to be Mary Poppins either. Why did it take a divorce, to bring you to this point?

I'm in a very similar situation. Much of it is a result of self-dislike and punishment....I know you love taking care of the kids, but you do need to take care of yourself......if, you still care?

I think it's time for you to live for you. Problem is, the concept of "you" has become blurred, to them. What do you want in life?

Click to expand...

ImNotMyIllness - You know, you are right Here's how it happened (short story):

1. I lost my job in 2008-ran out of $-couldn't find work
2. A friend suggested I ask my brother to move in and help with kids til I get on my feet.
3. Moved in, agreement was to watch nephew for a few months and that was it.
4. And 5 years later I am still here...and yes, it has turned 1. - blurred on their end (as well as mine) and 2. - turned out to be excuse for me to not restart life. I didn't fight hard enough and got beat down with the routine, SAFE and mundane of my situation.
5. Yes, it is a shame it takes a divorce for me to grow a pair...

You are right - ugh...
too bad, so sad for me. Time for me to own up to my poor decisions and make amends with myself.

cowboyup said:

ImNotMyIllness - You know, you are right Here's how it happened (short story):

1. I lost my job in 2008-ran out of $-couldn't find work
2. A friend suggested I ask my brother to move in and help with kids til I get on my feet.
3. Moved in, agreement was to watch nephew for a few months and that was it.
4. And 5 years later I am still here...and yes, it has turned 1. - blurred on their end (as well as mine) and 2. - turned out to be excuse for me to not restart life. I didn't fight hard enough and got beat down with the routine, SAFE and mundane of my situation.
5. Yes, it is a shame it takes a divorce for me to grow a pair...

You are right - ugh...
too bad, so sad for me. Time for me to own up to my poor decisions and make amends with myself.

Click to expand...

I'm making amends with myself as well-very hard. The past is the past. I noticed that I live in two states of anxiety: regrets of the past, fear of the future. It's time to live in the now. That's the only thing we have control of...I should at least be present.

My way of action, is inaction. Wait long enough until the problem falls right on my head. It's like worrying about a fire and then waiting until your shoes are up in flames. My favorite weapon of choice is distraction. Anything and everything to keep me from dealing with whatever is causing me anxiety.