Disorder of Selfishness

Falkor

Falkor

1
I think you're just way too harsh on yourself, you say your selfish, which is a self destructive pattern of thinking about yourself.

It's always about YOU. Is what you say, but in fact... You also care a lot about that girl you mentioned. You were afraid what she could think of you, and you always wanted to be there for her, Is what I can read.

I think you are a people pleaser since you always get the vulnerable one and they shouldn't use it. You have to be aware of this concept. I have the same, we have to toughen up and tell them to back off.

About the girl, she's just busy. She told you she would love to see you. So that says well enough. Don't ask for more, she's having a hard time, so now it's time to deal on your own stuff too. Some people just can, some people can't well, but if you learn to work on yourself, just yourself, you will not need any others to help you.

I know it is a hard world. I'm sorry. I wish people could all just be more like us. ::p: Like being vulnerable and want to be there for you. But it's the reality. It still is so weird, SA and HSP is so rough.

A big hug, for you!
 
sullyS25

sullyS25

Well-known member
ShyandOkay said:
I think you're just way too harsh on yourself, you say your selfish, which is a self destructive pattern of thinking about yourself.

It's always about YOU. Is what you say, but in fact... You also care a lot about that girl you mentioned. You were afraid what she could think of you, and you always wanted to be there for her, Is what I can read.

I think you are a people pleaser since you always get the vulnerable one and they shouldn't use it. You have to be aware of this concept. I have the same, we have to toughen up and tell them to back off.

About the girl, she's just busy. She told you she would love to see you. So that says well enough. Don't ask for more, she's having a hard time, so now it's time to deal on your own stuff too. Some people just can, some people can't well, but if you learn to work on yourself, just yourself, you will not need any others to help you.

I know it is a hard world. I'm sorry. I wish people could all just be more like us. ::p: Like being vulnerable and want to be there for you. But it's the reality. It still is so weird, SA and HSP is so rough.

A big hug, for you!
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Well thank you very much for posting this reply....I do seem to be hard on myself and have still been dealing with this girls habit of blowing me off....I think I am just at a point where I truly do need to work on this part of my life though.

Since I posted this almost two weeks ago I was blown off by her again and finally let my emotions get the best of me and told her that it would be best if we didn't talk anymore. I don't know maybe that wasn't the right thing to do but I felt a huge weight lifted off my chest after doing it.
 
Imogen

Imogen

Active member
I don't see it as being selfish per se, but yes, you do tend to think what you've done wrong first over others. So I get what you mean. Gernerally after I've thought 'What have I done now? or not done?' I tend to think, 'Maybe they just want to be left alone or are in a bad mood' and I WOULD ask them, but I fear I'd anger them more.

I've been talking to my brother on MSN about this and asked him:
'do you think my social anxiety makes me selfish? Because I always think about what have I done wrong first?'.

He replied with this:

'No. I think it makes you very...you put others first if that makes sense. You don't go 'Oh screw you, you're the one in the wrong.', you think it's you that's done something wrong, rather than think it's the other person. Meaning to me, you'd rather think of it as something you have done, than accuse someone else. And I think that makes SA sufferers seem unselfish. Because it's not about how great they are and how everyone else sucks and it's everyone else's fault, they put themselves first in a NEGATIVE way and in your case I know you do it because you don't think others are capable of being the problem. So no, I see it as unselfish. You put yourself in the line of fire to save other people from being in it.'
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I think that's a nice way of putting it. I mean to me, it's a lot of issues to do with self confidence, insecurities, how I was brought up, being bullied and loads of other things that make me think I'm the problem, but I do tend to think 'No, it can't be them, they wouldn't be like that. They don't seem the type'.

If you felt better by telling this girl you'd rather not speak, then perhaps it was the right thing to do. As sufferers of social disorders we are pretty hard on ourselves, it comes with the territory I guess, and if this makes you think 'Phew, that's better. I don't need to worry about this problem now' then it was more than likely the right option. :)
 
sullyS25

sullyS25

Well-known member
I don't know either way in these situations it comes back to me and what I did wrong.....it may be negative thoughts about me but it is still about me nonetheless. I am not saying this is a bad thing. What I am saying is that when I am concerned about others, I cease to worry about myself and my anxiety drifts away.....that doesn't happen very often though.
 
polishgirl

polishgirl

Well-known member
Imogen said:
'No. I think it makes you very...you put others first if that makes sense. You don't go 'Oh screw you, you're the one in the wrong.', you think it's you that's done something wrong, rather than think it's the other person. Meaning to me, you'd rather think of it as something you have done, than accuse someone else. And I think that makes SA sufferers seem unselfish. Because it's not about how great they are and how everyone else sucks and it's everyone else's fault, they put themselves first in a NEGATIVE way and in your case I know you do it because you don't think others are capable of being the problem. So no, I see it as unselfish. You put yourself in the line of fire to save other people from being in it.'
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I think this is completely right. The fact that you are attacking yourself again, blaming yourself for something that is not your fault completely is no sign of selfishness. Yes, the focus is on you but it's on you because you feel like you have done something wrong to OTHERS. People who focus on themselves don't see anything wrong in what they do because they feel like they deserve everything and blame others for something they have done wrong. But that is not you, completely not you.
 
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