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Old 03-17-2017
 

Hello everybody. Wishing you all well.

I need some constructive advice which you are all incredibly supportive to provide.

So I'm sure you all know the story between I and my work colleague who I like.

So this week I and my colleague have been displaying hot and cold behaviour towards each other. I was feeling low. I went to confide in him. Kind of backed off due to fear. Came into work. Saw him and dodged him. He offered support and then felt it was better to maintain a professional relationship.

The same night I contacted him and apologised as well and explained my distant behaviour. He accepted and we got back to normal.

So I confided in a few colleagues about my mental health and they gave me a lot of food for thought. It kind of made me realize that I want to focus onto my future and not waste anymore valuable time on things that are not worth it. I am looking at making changes to my life and I wanna start now.

I am thinking of my relationship with this guy. I wanna put my cards on the table and find out exactly where we stand with each other.

I want a friendship with this guy outside of work. I can be professional in work where I see him as a colleague but outside work, I want to see him as a friend.

I want to be able to talk to him on facebook and go out together here and there. But only as friends. I am willing to be there and care for him. I read the policy around personal relationships which are not forbidden outside the workplace as long as both parties remain professional inside the workplace. So he doesn't have to worry about boundaries.

He has told me he previously was not good with commitment especially with female friends quite a long time ago. He preferred hanging with his male friends and his friendships with females dissolved. Now his friends have got a new life with marriage and kids. My colleague is now isolated and doesn't go out much. So he could remain the same?

I want to say all this to him and find out exactly where I stand. I would rather know now and find out how he feels. I just want to move forward on to the future and focus on my recovery. Life is too short for games.

What do you think?

I mean I don't want to make him anxious by having this conversation if it sounds too deep. Or maybe I could word it simplier.

Any advice please?
anxiousmess is offline  
Old 03-18-2017
 

Are you gay? I'm not trying to be offensive, but it seems like you're being very emotional about this whole thing. Why do you want a friendship with him, do you find him attractive or something?
Doogle is offline  
Old 03-18-2017
Ransfordrowe's Avatar
Newbie User
 

Hi.I have been there in regards to trying to turn work friendships into out of work ones.Exchanging numbers can be a good start.Care needs to taken when showing feelings towards men.If you talk about taking care of a guy,then that could come over as you wanting a gay relationship.If that is what you want then okay,but if not then this could scare off a hetrosexual guy.Maybe if you do speak to him then you could leave out the caring for him part and use words like friendship,pals etc.
Ransfordrowe is offline  
Old 03-18-2017
 

Guys - I am a female not a male.
anxiousmess is offline  
Old 03-19-2017
theslowesthand's Avatar
Elite User
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by anxiousmess View Post
Guys - I am a female not a male.
Your profile says "Male" (?)
theslowesthand is offline  
Old 03-19-2017
 

Many thanks for pointing that out to me. Obvious error from my part.

I am a female.
anxiousmess is offline  
Old 03-20-2017
 

I've had to read your post several times to try and work out what it is you really want. You say you just want to be friends. But the way you talk about caring for him is a bit odd. It sounds like you want to mother him. Is there something about his recent isolation that resonates with your own situation? You appear to sometimes be close, sometimes distant, sometimes back to normal. Maybe he is a bit wary of someone who isn't predictable or easy to be with. Try becoming a bit more lighthearted. Remember, for him to want to be with you, you must be rewarding to be with. Leave out the heavy stuff until your friendship is firmly established.
Zelazek is offline  
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