childhood issues....

:evil:
i just spent 5 minutes typing a post, and my stupid computer decides to close internet explorer!!!

i have some questions, in the form a short story/ rant...
i was dumped a couple months ago by the only girl i ever really loved. when she broke up with me she was not very mature about it. instead of saying "hey this just isn't working out for me" she said things like I'm not very solid, and brought up every little thing that i did "wrong" (i think maybe she's borderline personality, but that's another story). well, i was so devastated and heartbroken, that i became very insecure and started second-guessing myself. oh, and the kicker, she wanted to be friends!? that lasted for a little while, now i think she already found a new boyfriend.

anyway, so for the past couple of months i've been depressed, obsessively looking for flaws in myself, going over my past, started therapy, etc. i have lifelong social anxiety, but when i met my last girlfriend, i was on zoloft and felt pretty good about myself (i quit taking the zoloft about 1month before things went south, think i went through withdrawal depression) so, i've been incessantly searching my past to see just exactly how i've ended up here in my current shitty situation. as a kid, my dad was angry all the time and very critical. my mom was depressed somewhat and good at inducing guilt. everything was so scary and serious. i was afraid to go to school, which my father yelled at me for. i felt very alone, scared, and unloved. my social anxiety got progressively worse as i got older. i was shamed about sex, and had strict moralistic rules to live by. heck, i was a virgin until my early 20s, and even now i still feel repressed and guilty. as a teenager i physically abused myself and to this day i feel very ashamed and angry that i was ever that messed up. i get insecure thinking about it, and have never been able to forgive myself. basically, i feel like i've got all this crap in my head and no way out. seems like most people are just doing what they want and enjoying life, and i've always been afraid to grab the reigns...

can anyone relate to this???
sometimes i wonder if i have ocd because i can't seem to let things go???
does anyone else feel fear of being independent??

i feel like i'm still thinking like a scared little boy, even though i'm 6'4", 210lbs, and 33yrs old!!!!

ANYONE?? SHOULD I BE POSTING ON A BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER WEBSITE INSTEAD??

You know, I'm not sure that SA is environmental in most cases. It definitely can be brought on by upbringing but I think it's generally something you're born with. I say this because I can remember having issues from an incredibly early age (I'm talking five or six). Other people I've spoken to seem to have had really awkward childhoods as well. Now if that's the case for you, you don't need to scrutinize every aspect of your past for a specific cause. Maybe that would make things easier on you in that you don't have to blame yourself or anyone else. It could simply be that there was no catalyst. Certainly if you're not clear about what started this in your own mind then there likely isn't one person or event that caused your SA. I might be wrong of course, but that's just how it seems to me.

I do know what you mean about having a hard time letting go, I struggled with that for quite a while. I was on the verge of suicide when my first real girlfriend broke it off with me. I never thought things would be okay again, that I'd never get those feelings back, but I was so wrong. The thing is though, I would never have gotten over it had I not met new people. This was very hard to do initially, but everyone I spoke to recommended that at the time. I really struggled with this due to my anxieties but eventually I was able to get all the old feelings back, and multiple times over the course of my life. My main problem has been recurrant isolation, where I find myself alone for whatever reason (usually relocation) and where I've had to start from the ground up with relationships and my social life. In this way it seems like life is forcing me to get over my problems. It does become slightly easier each time though, so it has served its purpose. That's why I think improving your social life and facing your fears repeatedly is the only real way out. It makes you more confident and more choosy with people. That's easier said than done of course, but with these types of issues, there is no quick fix.

Oh, and I don't think you have OCD based off what you've said. You seem just fine to me.

Oh my god, the same thing happened to me, it hurts doesn't it?!
There's nothing wrong with you, if she wants to point out all your "faults" then maybe she's got the problem not you, but don't you hate it when people make excuses up to break up with you just so they don't have to feel guilty.
You don't have OCD because you can't let things go, I can't let things go either, and I'm sure other people have the same thing to.

It's probably been a shitty few months for you, but keep your chin up and keep going or try to anyway, I know it's hard sometimes

Sometimes, it's a bad idea to give yourself 100% to someone. Se'll feel too much pressure and you'll end up with no support left.

thank you all for your input