I've always wanted to feel like a complete human being. I have always wanted to smile genuinely, and laugh genuinely, and not just keep up a false appearance just so I can lighten the lives of other people. But I don't feel like that. I feel sub-human, and I'm going to share why.
Note: I am not asking for any sympathy, and I apologize of I seem like I want sympathy.
For almost all of my life, until about a year or so ago, I was completely ignorant about sexual abuse. It was obvious to me that hitting somebody is wrong, and calling somebody bad names is wrong, but I had such a limited understanding about sex, morals, and related topics that I never knew how traumatic rape and molestation could be to the victims. So, around the 4th grade, I was really sexually curious, and although I thought I was a good person, and tried to be a good, selfless person, I had problems with touching others. Aside from this notable episode where this boy and I had fun with me rubbing his bare back, I'm afraid that I may have had problems with grabbing the nipples of this particular other boy. I'm pretty sure I'd also grab them in the gym change room, when we were shirtless. It just physically felt good. I don't know why. He probably said stop, but I probably didn't listen.
I never thought a lot about this, because of the fact that he didn't seem to hate me for it, and in fact, we both got along well until the last year of elementary school.
Now that I know more about molestation, and sexual abuse, I'm horrified and disgusted at the thought that I could have molested several people without even knowing it. I tried justifying it, saying that I didn't know that it was wrong, but what's the point, if the harm had been done?
Furthermore, I have always had a bad relationship with my brother. Until I was around 9, I had problems with bed-wetting, and as a result, I was a moody, over-sensitive crybaby who always had to be right. I started hating my brother when I was in grade 3; I said "HI!' to him in loud, silly voices whenever I saw him at school, and he'd just say things like "go away", maybe including the words "stupid" or other things. But he was genuinely nice to me, and he always loved me. I just didn't realize it because I was so bad with social cues and personal interactions, and I certainly didn't know that brothers can be a little bit rough on each other.
He's confronted me two times, both when I was in grade 9 and 10, about how much he loves me, and how much he cares for me. After the second time, I finally realized that I was wrong. Since last May or so, we have become more like genuine friends.
In addition, when I was in 3rd grade, I started hanging out with some other boys instead of my (up-til-then) only friend. One of the boys that I hung out with actually bullied my old friend for a while in kindergarten, and therefore my old friend, (let's call him "Jeff") said that he didn't like it when I hung out without him. However, I just saw this as Jeff's attempt to control who I saw, and I said that it's not Jeff's business whether or not I'm friends with different people. So for a whole year, I spent all of my time without him. Finally, during one recess, I accidentally said something vulgar, and my "friends" ran away, laughing, while I followed them, crying, and asking them to understand that it was just a slip-up.
I feel horrible that I hung out with my friend's bully, especially since Jeff later tried committing suicide in class a couple of years later. But we still get along like good friends as of today. I support him, and he supports me. I love him, and he really likes being with me.
Like I said, I want to feel completely human, with genuine emotions of happiness and calm. But people sometimes don't get what they want. My life is without peace. Due to my OCD, I worry about everything, everytime. I worry about whether I destroyed peoples' lives with my lack of sexual knowledge. I worry about whether I'm responsible for Jeff's current cynicism and poor school skills. I worry about the fact that I killed my brother's younger life with my frequent misunderstandings.
I wish they wouldn't have had to go through such pain and torture because of MY actions.
Currently, I have a huge conscience, and my therapist is telling me that I really am a good person. I hate the thoughts of me inflicting harm on others. If I have the choice of letting another, random person get raped, or me getting raped in his stead in order to spare him the trauma, I will gladly bear the burden for that person. I don't want to ruin peoples' lives.
Note: I am not asking for any sympathy, and I apologize of I seem like I want sympathy.
For almost all of my life, until about a year or so ago, I was completely ignorant about sexual abuse. It was obvious to me that hitting somebody is wrong, and calling somebody bad names is wrong, but I had such a limited understanding about sex, morals, and related topics that I never knew how traumatic rape and molestation could be to the victims. So, around the 4th grade, I was really sexually curious, and although I thought I was a good person, and tried to be a good, selfless person, I had problems with touching others. Aside from this notable episode where this boy and I had fun with me rubbing his bare back, I'm afraid that I may have had problems with grabbing the nipples of this particular other boy. I'm pretty sure I'd also grab them in the gym change room, when we were shirtless. It just physically felt good. I don't know why. He probably said stop, but I probably didn't listen.
I never thought a lot about this, because of the fact that he didn't seem to hate me for it, and in fact, we both got along well until the last year of elementary school.
Now that I know more about molestation, and sexual abuse, I'm horrified and disgusted at the thought that I could have molested several people without even knowing it. I tried justifying it, saying that I didn't know that it was wrong, but what's the point, if the harm had been done?
Furthermore, I have always had a bad relationship with my brother. Until I was around 9, I had problems with bed-wetting, and as a result, I was a moody, over-sensitive crybaby who always had to be right. I started hating my brother when I was in grade 3; I said "HI!' to him in loud, silly voices whenever I saw him at school, and he'd just say things like "go away", maybe including the words "stupid" or other things. But he was genuinely nice to me, and he always loved me. I just didn't realize it because I was so bad with social cues and personal interactions, and I certainly didn't know that brothers can be a little bit rough on each other.
He's confronted me two times, both when I was in grade 9 and 10, about how much he loves me, and how much he cares for me. After the second time, I finally realized that I was wrong. Since last May or so, we have become more like genuine friends.
In addition, when I was in 3rd grade, I started hanging out with some other boys instead of my (up-til-then) only friend. One of the boys that I hung out with actually bullied my old friend for a while in kindergarten, and therefore my old friend, (let's call him "Jeff") said that he didn't like it when I hung out without him. However, I just saw this as Jeff's attempt to control who I saw, and I said that it's not Jeff's business whether or not I'm friends with different people. So for a whole year, I spent all of my time without him. Finally, during one recess, I accidentally said something vulgar, and my "friends" ran away, laughing, while I followed them, crying, and asking them to understand that it was just a slip-up.
I feel horrible that I hung out with my friend's bully, especially since Jeff later tried committing suicide in class a couple of years later. But we still get along like good friends as of today. I support him, and he supports me. I love him, and he really likes being with me.
Like I said, I want to feel completely human, with genuine emotions of happiness and calm. But people sometimes don't get what they want. My life is without peace. Due to my OCD, I worry about everything, everytime. I worry about whether I destroyed peoples' lives with my lack of sexual knowledge. I worry about whether I'm responsible for Jeff's current cynicism and poor school skills. I worry about the fact that I killed my brother's younger life with my frequent misunderstandings.
I wish they wouldn't have had to go through such pain and torture because of MY actions.
Currently, I have a huge conscience, and my therapist is telling me that I really am a good person. I hate the thoughts of me inflicting harm on others. If I have the choice of letting another, random person get raped, or me getting raped in his stead in order to spare him the trauma, I will gladly bear the burden for that person. I don't want to ruin peoples' lives.
