zoulaykha
Active member
I thought it would help if i share my feelings with you. Tomorrow is the first of my second year in high school, and all i think off is when i'm on my way to school , on feet, constatntly turning back to see who's behind me, or rather who's "staring" at me, in here, it's not like in america, we don't have all that categorizing for geeks or smth, i mean there are some unpopular persons, but its rare that you find someone completely deserted and friendless, you always have someone to talk to, that doesn't mean that moking others and making their lives hell is doesn't exist. When i think about tomorrow i only think about my multiple panic attacks during recess, when standing in the middle of a humongous crowd, while the rest of the group i'm standing with is just having fun, and suddenly one of them looks at me and gives me that sick look, that i translate into ' aKh, you're pathetic, straighten your back and stop blushing, i hate you even more". And since i get it that way, i usually don't talk to the person that gave me the look or just act cold with them , i'm frightened by recess, or having to walk all the way to class and feeling that all the eyes on you, because once you look up, there's always someone looking and talking about you, because i'm kinda well known , yet not loved, it means that people know me, all of them, because i have this original style and kinda unique (hard to explain and i don't really wanna get into details), but when it comes to my relationships, i don't really like getting close to them, even if they smile at me, i get unconfortable, and there's this boy, i've never felt like this towards a boy, i don't know if it's part of my lack of confidence, or is it really a huge crush, it's the one of the most complicated relationship i've ever been part of. And in class, i always prefer to sit in the back, so that no one behind me gets to stare at me or tell me how beautiful my hair is, compliments and insults me are pretty much the same thing for me, they make me really uncomfortable. During the entire summer vacation, i barely contacted anyone from school, and i turned off my phone for three months and i haven't used it til now. IT HElped to disconnect a little bit. right now i am reallly freakin' out, i skipped most of the third semester last year, i couldn't bare the pressure, i would go smoking , and someone proposed some pills to me,relaxing pills and i accepted, but i didn't take them, we just got over the story, smoking gives me 5 minutes of relaxation. I would do ANYTHING, A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G. to get rid of this terror, i got drunk in the summer, while i had my cousins in my house, it was too hurtful, and there was some alcohol in the fridge left there by my uncle, so i drank it,and i felt liberated. What am i going to do now? am i going to hide in the same hole, like i did last year, I CANNOT handle school, before i forced myself, now i can't anymore, because i'm making a fool out of myself, and i can't handle the sarcastic looks on my classmates' faces when i stand on stage to do smth the teacher has asked me to do or read some paper, i'll be literally shaking. Of course there are a pretty decent amount of people that except me despite my weird behaviours, and they look at me with those warm eyes expressing that they love me, but i can't do that, i only make normal eye contact when i'm not aware of the fact that i'm going to screw things up. It's hell, there are certain positive things, but i would give up those positive things that happen in there, like a nice thing somebody did to you, just to be myself.I visited a wonderful psychiatrist in the summer and i felt A LOT better, and i'm still visiting him, i'm in therapy, i'm still in the first steps, and i haven't got the time to visit him one more time before the school year starts, and now, here i am, f***ing freakin' out! is somebody out there feeling almost the same?
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