Worst night of my life.

So I had some wine, I know I shouldn’t have because alcohol exacerbates ocd, but I thought if I only had one glass it wouldn’t be too bad in the morning.

But it started that night, I washed my hands and was about to wash them again but then I thought “it’s not me it’s my ocd”, the phrase from ‘Brain Lock’ an ocd self-help book. So I stopped washing my hands, thought ‘I’m ill, I know this, I don’t need to wash my hands again, it’s just ocd telling me to’. But then “it’s not me it’s my ocd” popped into my head again. And again. And again. I had to leave to say it out loud to myself. And so it the phrase was repeated for hours. Surely there’s no hope when ocd uses weapons we are meant to use as a defence against us.

Then I started thinking about how other people would perceive me, what if they didn’t know about my ocd, they would think I was just being rude by leaving before midnight on New Years Eve. I started replaying my day in my head, searching for a moment where I might have let it slip about my disorder in front of someone I don’t know, they would think I’m mad if they saw me doing a compulsion, surely? “Maybe you ARE mad” I thought “Maybe it’s not ocd”. As I don’t have a proper diagnosis I couldn’t think of anything to make me sure that I have ocd. “It’s schizophrenia” I thought.

This thought was somehow different, I don’t know if it was the alcohol but I was truly afraid, not of what I had thought, but of myself. I honestly believed I was going insane and that I had schizophrenia. I just sort of gave up on fighting ocd and let it overtake me. I’ve only ever convinced myself of something that intensely once before, when I was about 10 and I thought aliens would come and get me if I didn’t try to convince people they were real. I think it happens when the line between ocd and reality becomes so blurred that you don’t know what it real anymore.

Any comments would be much appreciated.

Musicocd

I don't have OCD so I don't know what it's like but I think everybody has times when they think they are mad especially when they drink. I suffer from anxiety and yesterday I felt really anxious after drinking so as a blanket rule alcohol is never good if you are not in the right frame of mind. I would suggest steering clear of it for a while and having a few nights out on the non alcoholic stuff maybe and seeing if you feel as self conscious around people without the booze. I can totally relate to the idea of worrying about what people thought though coz thats one of my most crippling habits!

well i definitely know how you feel

ocd is built on our need to live our lives according to the rules ocd sets up, and when we dont live our lives according to these rules, our ocd tells us that the world will come crashing down on us

the rules are rooted in fear - fear of contamination, being a bad person, something bad happening, or in your case, being schizophrenia

if i were u, if this ever happens, embrace it. us ocd types are so obsessed with not being ocd that we sometimes forget that ocd is a part of us. we feel like weve been "infected" with ocd and that it is wrong and should not be embraced. i feel the opposite - the ocd makes us who we are, and though the obsessions and compulsions become overwhelmingly distressing, sometimes you just need to say 'fuck it' and stop worrying. i know this sounds impossible, but just try living with it. the anxiety caused by not doing compulsions DOES go away, and the people around you dont deserve to be your friend if they will judge you for your ocd.

it is only because we have given ocd a name that it is a bad thing. otherwise it would just be a personality trait. i know its distressing, believe me, ive had it my whole life. but when we convince ourselves that the ocd itself is bad, we are telling ourselves that part of us is bad.

i dont know if that helps, but basically id say that if you are in a situation you cant get out of and your ocd is taking control of you, embrace it. tell yourself that you will figure it all out in the morning, and you know you will, because weve all had days when we thought the world was gonna end and in the morning we realized we were just being ocd.

as for schizophrenia, i wouldnt worry about it. you wont know if and when you are becoming schizophrenic, no matter how much you worry about it. schizophrenics have no "insight", meaning that no matter what, they will never realize that they are crazy without outside help. when i was young, my friends and i had an alien club where we wouldnt study alien landings and such. of course, there werent any real alien landings, we were just pretending. but i got it in my head that the aliens would become angry that we were studying them and come down to abduct us one day. i quit the alien club then and there.

people with ocd are obsessed with the possibility of being wrong about something going wrong. uncertainty that something wont happen. schizophrenics are certain that delusions are real and do nothing to disprove them, they simply embrace them willingly because they perceive them as real.

Musicocd

A long-time friend suffers with OCD. She has a glass of blackberry wine in the afternoon and it has a calming effect on her. I doubt the drink you had caused you any harm. More likely, your worries about it caused the added anxiety.

An effective medication and/or working with a
professional person skilled in treating this illness is a must. Those who want to believe they can conquer it on their own do nothing but prolong their misery. I hope you have this kind of help.

i agree that therapy is an extremely helpful treatment. i was afraid to seek treatment because i was embarrassed, but then i found out that my obsessions and compulsions were NOTHING compared to some of my therapist's other patients.

and yea, alcohol does cure anxiety and reduce the symptoms of ocd. however, when i am drinking/drunk, i find it VERY difficult to think my way out of obsessions and i often get stuck in them. its a lose-lose situation. when i am drunk and start obsessing, i force myself to forget about it and work it out in the morning. this is the only thing that works for me, but it is usually very difficult to do because then i feel gross and anxious for a little while after suppressing the obsession.

think youre insane? me too!

oh i have thougth i was insane for years. :/..i'm not sure why though. I gues i've always felt different from other people. Not as accepted. So my mind tries to find reasons why that is. =(.

I imagine it really depends on the person with alcohol.
For me, being really drunk can be great for it if i'm in the right
situation, cos I just don't care enough to get stuck in ocd ruts.
That said, I'm not entirely sure I have ocd; just think I might have
it or tendencies that way given the reading i've been doing.

I reckon ocd can be like the old cliche about digging yourself deeper
in a hole. It'll only happen if you give a shit about being in the hole
in the first place. So I guess.. maybe just stop digging; don't fight
the thoughts. You might just find yourself on level ground.

anyway, enough of my random posibly irrelevent thoughts, peace.

I was told that "Brain Lock" is not well researched and when used alone can be detrimental becareful! I would try the book "OCD WORKBOOK" by Bruce Hyman. It seems like the phrase thats used to help is becoming an obsession. Don't use it ritualistically like that or it will stick, and thats not helping OCD thats creating more behaviours.