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Old 12-19-2016

I'm really sad this year, you know why...not just because my Scottish mother passed away four months ago from the worst possible brain cancer but because my family is falling apart. All my father does is drink like an alcoholic with my brother living there on probation as well as drinking constantly. All they do is watch T.V of sports or something else and just daze off into space. We can't have a positive conversation about a bunch of topics. Most of the time, my father drinks in the back room of the house with his own T.V and just wastes his time doing that shit but as for my sister she's trying to get her life together at a rehab addiction facility. As for me, I live on my own but am unable to afford it now and sometimes I drank yes but not often, I can't live in this place forever...

Where I live, there is no challenge for me. Here I feel like I'm waiting to die. I practically got no social life whatsoever, the medical service here is shit and stalls forever. I been waiting for a family doctor for over 3 ****in years!! On the outside I look like I'm okay but on the inside...I'm dying.

I feel like I can't break my comfort zone because I feel that people will get mad at me and not want to deal with me anymore. I even tried to ask a girl out and she said yes at first but then after we texted for a bit; she just magically said she'd get back to me. Idk, then there is another girl but I tried talking to her and I cut her off because whenever I tried to be open; she just didn't reply. Maybe it's because I'm afraid of them or my social skills.

I believe people are afraid of me and think I'm some kind of a ****in freak. My life coach expects me to think of things but the truth is; I got nothing that comes to mind. Anyways, maybe its time that I leave and move to a society where there is more people. I only have one friend where I live and that's it. Everyone else sees me but doesn't know me.

...Right now, I'm being pathetic to say all of this but it helps me get it off my shoulders because I keep it all inside me for days on end even months.

Also the dating site I go on, I hear that most people are afraid of the website and that's why they never usually meet up with people because they believe they might be rapped but I'm not those typical *******s in the world that will just deliberately want sex. I truly want to get to know the person but they all run away; I even had one person run away from me because I'm so quiet.

At this point, I think going back to live in my old city to see my childhood friends and a place I feel comfortable in will make me feel better. I know my one friend will know what I'm talking about on here and I know you're working very hard to succeed for your future and been busy. When I leave to go back to live there, I hope we can always be great friends. You were there when I needed you most, there is not many people like you in this world and I hope you know that from the bottom of my heart...but I must do what will make me happy first if I want to be able to make others happy.

Anyways, I'm done saying what I need to say. Hope things turn out.
Cetnien is offline  
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