I can honestly say I think I know what it feels like to be lost at sea or in the wilderness and to see the rescue helicopter fly over and away not seeing you. I'm 35 years old and only have a few friends most from high school and childhood. I have only ever had one real girlfriend. I have had other encounters with women not many so I don't count them as a relationship. We were together for about a year and a half but I couldn't be who she needed me to be. My social anxiety ruined the relationship. Its hard for those who don't have it to understand that its not just a shyness thing. In my case the only people that know I have s.a.d. are those of you on this site. I'm so destroyed inside by this disorder. I have held in the tears for so long I cant even cry anymore. Many of my friend over the years have basically disowned me. People start to wander why you never have a girlfriend, never go to a bar or club, basically never seen with women. And in this homophobic ignorant society they start to think your gay even though none of my friend or family have ever seen me with any one they didn't know who all have girlfriends or wives and children . So over the years the homophobe friends I had have left my life. And thats probably a good thing because I don't want no hate filled people in my life anyways. I have even had friends and family impli that they would be fine with having a gay friend or family member.Directed at me. In any other case that would feel great to know that your friends and family would still be there for you if you were gay. But hurts so much that they couldn't see me bound and gagged by this social anxiety disorder . Its truly killing me and its a slow death. One of the worst pains is all the women who have flirted with me and because I could not flirt back. They thought I was not attracted to them or not good enough for me. There is this one women I adore. I know she had a crush on me. And she is absolutely gorgeous . She went out of her way to talk to me on a personal level. I might add she is a bank teller and no bank teller has ever given me this much attention before or since. This went on for some time. But because my stupid brain wouldn't let me tell her what she wanted to hear from me. She moved on. I could see it hurt her. Now she just gives me a fake smile with resentment in her eyes. I wish she only new what my problem is.To all the women out there who think that I think your not good enough for me your wrong. Im sorry I could not reciprocate your affection. Thank for http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/images/smilies/kickingmyself.gifreading:kickingmyself:
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