Try this "Social Experiment"

I've written down my "social experiment" in a more concise way, so that people don't have to read the rest of this post unless they really wanted to.

Here it is -my "social experiment"....

Firmly make up your mind to treat anyone who judges negatively your manner or behaviour as a person sufferring from a form of Social Phobia. How do you regard such a person and their reactions now? HOw would you feel in relation to them and their attitude?
And, would such an outlook really be so far from the truth?

Comments...? Thoughts...?



Now for some of my "theory" behind taking such a strategy (you don't have to read this bit)....

So first of all:-
It would be great if we would or could forgive ourselves on the basis that we are unique and have particular strengths and weakness; and because of this, we can accept that social anxiety is our cross to bear without shame or inferiority. Then we could accept that we are highly reactive, are apprehensive and even negative when it comes to social situations, because we would understand that our weakness is showing now instead of our strength. Everybody with a strength has a weakness -and these differences make us unique.

Then it might be easier to accept our faults without feeling shame -because this shame makes us worry in an effort to resist 'failing' in social situations.

Now more about the specific "Social Experiment"....

If we can get past shame enough to believe that our difference from others does not make us worth less than others, we could encourage this new perspective about ourselves by also ustilising a similar attitude. This similar attitude follows on from the idea that we are all equal with others. And basically this second attitude is to view a part of us in everyone we meet.

What would happen for a person with social phobia/anxiety if they decided to adopt the attitude that anyone who reacts negatively towards them (whether this be a truly negative reaction or in fact more the result of our self-doubts) reacts negatively because they share our Social Anxiety...?

What I mean is, that you could look at things in the sense that placing too much importance on how a person appears to others is what social phobia comes from. It is placing such value on others' approval and the 'results' of social behaviour that keeps us in a vicious circle of reactive feeling and behaviour.

This same caring so much about what other people think -is what every human being is insecure about. ...and so what if socially phobic people are more attached to what others' think -there is, again, no need for shame; we are simply more naturally sensitive people.

Having established our similarity with every other person -being that all of us are attached to what others think of us and dependent upon others' approval. We can then make the obvious connection that people who judge us, according to the degree of harshness of their judgements, to some extent "suffer" from social anxiety just like us.

This means that everytime someone appears to look down on us or judge us -we can accept our mistake within the context that it is a SHARED mistake. Others are the same as us.

Truly, a person who was 'better' may or may not react towards us, but if they were to react it would be lacking much negative judgement.

And it would be much easier to accept the little slights to us, if we could see that those who judge us harshly are about as insecure as we are.
-A person can be very attached to what others' think and yet not be sufferring from social anxiety. Just like some people deal with insecurity by bullying and judging others.

Muffy

I strongly recommend you read up on Equalizing and Exchanging Self with others according to Buddhist view as part of your social experiment.

James

Hi James,
I cut and paste that same Buddhist teaching and am going through it.

Thanks.

One thing that I noticed today is how much anxiety is a family problem. Despite being the only one to come-out with officially having anxiety, it is a problem that has festered in my family for at least 3 generations.

IT's usually like that. Not only is is genetically inherited -for me this is true- but you also grow up exposed to this mood and way of thinking being around you. So it seems like having two loads to carry, that of your genes and the influence of family.

I had to visit the doctor today with my mother. She was in a very agitated mood. It is difficult because such a state rubs off on others, and this is more the case when one has their own anxiety to deal with.

At one stage, I was lining-up to withdraw money from an ATM and standing there, I caught how not only does she often take with her a state of anxious brooding (she becomes so wrapped-up in her problems that she even forgets basic grooming) but she also sometimes takes out her own insecurities and obsessive worries on me. I caught her eyeing me with such scrutiny -watching my every move with critical appraisal. She was literally judging my worth and performance.
And the thing is, that she does this regularly. SHe does it to all her children. And perhaps this in part is why both my brother and me are dealing with anxiety issues.

I don't blame her for all my problems. I do however notice that it doesn't make things easier when a member of your family, especially a parent, influences the growth a a problem or particular negative approach. And she is so wrapped-up in herself she obviosuly is unaware of what effect she has on me.

I thonestly try to forgive her. To observe how similar she is to me in her self-absorption. I just also note how hard it is to do this 'thinking of others' when it comes to people in ones family.

Maybe it is like Jesus said: "A man's worst enemies will be the members of his own family."

I find that I need to take time out from her as her inner tension is too easily spread to me -and as we all know, I already have a problem with inner tension.

One last thing: how many 28 year olds still get corrected in public by their parents? My mother did this to me over the most trivial and insignificant "mistake" -being that it wasn't even a mistake. She was simply acting out in accordance with her critical evaluation on my performance.

I won't take the scapegoat and blame the generation before me. ANd I do have a wisdom about how to go about seeing such problems -being that to see a shared problem is the only way to be free of others effecting you negatively. It is hard though -more so, I think, when it comes to one's parents. (It is easier to forgive strangers than it is to distance oneself from one's parents)
I supposed that I cannot change her of bring her to a realisation of her own problems. BUt in the meantime, because I am not strong enough to share the load for both of us, I decline her offers to stay out shopping for longer than is necessary.