totally crazy.

crazyperson

Member
Hey people, it’s nice to be here.

Okay, I never even thought I would post on here. For years, I experienced social anxiety. It started when I was being bullied at school, I am the typical type where I get really self conscious and I am hypersensitive , so the constant teasing and bullying and emotional rape really screwed me up badly.

So all these years, I don’t really have any close friends. I would reject them when they come too close.

And the greatest mystery that causes me to go literally insane is that I am so scared of being scared.

I am so scared of being rejected, and I know that when I express that anxiety, I will scare people away. I don’t know what it is about me that makes people know that I am very anxious, I don’t shake or tremble, I don’t act crazy. It’s something very internal, my mind is racing around but I am a very disciplined person that does not show physical sign of being distress but my brain is going banana inside.

Incidentally, those are also the moments where I get all my wild and sometimes insightful ideas. I know that when I close my eyes, the fear would be temporally gone, or if I envision an image in my mind , the anxiety of other people around me would be temporally gone but it always come back. When you are in a social situation, it always come up , because the anxiety is surrounding me and I could not escape. I am especially fearful of small spaces.

Sometimes, I don’t have as much anxiety but I experienced it today and nine hours later, I am still relieving it. I was in a small classroom and I have a guy sitting close to me, I am having a moment of transference, I am fearful of mostly any guys (I am also attracted to them, do you think it comes from fear) and I just automically transference any guy as a potential bully that will hurt me. This totally just increased my anxiety level to the max, not to mention I felt like I was in a freaking prison because the classroom was so small.

In these moments of madness, I realize that if I start moving around physically, shaking my legs, I would feel a slight relief. I can handle my own anxiety in a way, but what I ABSOLUTELY cannot handle is the fact that I know my anxiety is scaring away other people.

I don’t know exactly how I scare them off, I don’t know what signals I sent, but its almost telepathic , and mystical. I feel that the anxiety has not stopped even now when I am in the safety of my home, I feel like my anxiety is still “rubbing” off to him telephatically and he hates me for it. He hates me now, he thinks I am the lowest person ever and I am totally mental and it breaks my heart. I don’t usually act like this, but I was really feeling it today and I really feel so GUILTY that my anxiety is causing distress to others. It’s really the idea of being anxious about being anxious. I feel like I have some super horrible power that can cause distress to people by TELEPAHY OR AIR.

I don’t know HOW TO SOLVE THIS, my therapist don’t know what I am talking about.

So..my question is, does anyone feel that way? I am so ashamed to go back to that class now and see that guy. He really thinks I am a freaking crazy maniac and I AM.

Thank you for reading..
 

Shonen_Yo

Well-known member
People just sense fear and anxiousness. I'm sure if there was away around it, that'd be half of all our problems cured.
 

crazyperson

Member
wow thank you for replying..

I think all my problems would be solved if there is a way to HIDE my SA, but I cant hide it and thats the problem. I feel so much guilt, which makes it even worse for me. I DONT WANT him to think i am weird, but my stupid brain does her own thing.

I feel that when they sense my nervousness, i can see them shifting away from me or putting their hands up to their side so they dont have to deal with me. It hurts.
 

Driel

Member
i truely wish i knew some way to help, but the only advice i can offer is if your seeing a therapist thats a good start, but if he doesn't seem to know what your talking about and doesn't understand your problems your best option might be to find a diffrent therapist. Its hard for people that dont have it to understand SA
 

romeno82

Well-known member
half the problem would be solved if you dont repress your social anxiety. not other way around. i gonna tell here once again: dont be ashamed of yourself for beeing socially inhibited. Cmon guys have some pity with yourself, you are the victims of wrong education, abusive society, abusive teachers, bullying...
so dont be too hard with yourself. but i know its not easy
 
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