crazyperson
Member
Hey people, it’s nice to be here.
Okay, I never even thought I would post on here. For years, I experienced social anxiety. It started when I was being bullied at school, I am the typical type where I get really self conscious and I am hypersensitive , so the constant teasing and bullying and emotional rape really screwed me up badly.
So all these years, I don’t really have any close friends. I would reject them when they come too close.
And the greatest mystery that causes me to go literally insane is that I am so scared of being scared.
I am so scared of being rejected, and I know that when I express that anxiety, I will scare people away. I don’t know what it is about me that makes people know that I am very anxious, I don’t shake or tremble, I don’t act crazy. It’s something very internal, my mind is racing around but I am a very disciplined person that does not show physical sign of being distress but my brain is going banana inside.
Incidentally, those are also the moments where I get all my wild and sometimes insightful ideas. I know that when I close my eyes, the fear would be temporally gone, or if I envision an image in my mind , the anxiety of other people around me would be temporally gone but it always come back. When you are in a social situation, it always come up , because the anxiety is surrounding me and I could not escape. I am especially fearful of small spaces.
Sometimes, I don’t have as much anxiety but I experienced it today and nine hours later, I am still relieving it. I was in a small classroom and I have a guy sitting close to me, I am having a moment of transference, I am fearful of mostly any guys (I am also attracted to them, do you think it comes from fear) and I just automically transference any guy as a potential bully that will hurt me. This totally just increased my anxiety level to the max, not to mention I felt like I was in a freaking prison because the classroom was so small.
In these moments of madness, I realize that if I start moving around physically, shaking my legs, I would feel a slight relief. I can handle my own anxiety in a way, but what I ABSOLUTELY cannot handle is the fact that I know my anxiety is scaring away other people.
I don’t know exactly how I scare them off, I don’t know what signals I sent, but its almost telepathic , and mystical. I feel that the anxiety has not stopped even now when I am in the safety of my home, I feel like my anxiety is still “rubbing” off to him telephatically and he hates me for it. He hates me now, he thinks I am the lowest person ever and I am totally mental and it breaks my heart. I don’t usually act like this, but I was really feeling it today and I really feel so GUILTY that my anxiety is causing distress to others. It’s really the idea of being anxious about being anxious. I feel like I have some super horrible power that can cause distress to people by TELEPAHY OR AIR.
I don’t know HOW TO SOLVE THIS, my therapist don’t know what I am talking about.
So..my question is, does anyone feel that way? I am so ashamed to go back to that class now and see that guy. He really thinks I am a freaking crazy maniac and I AM.
Thank you for reading..
Okay, I never even thought I would post on here. For years, I experienced social anxiety. It started when I was being bullied at school, I am the typical type where I get really self conscious and I am hypersensitive , so the constant teasing and bullying and emotional rape really screwed me up badly.
So all these years, I don’t really have any close friends. I would reject them when they come too close.
And the greatest mystery that causes me to go literally insane is that I am so scared of being scared.
I am so scared of being rejected, and I know that when I express that anxiety, I will scare people away. I don’t know what it is about me that makes people know that I am very anxious, I don’t shake or tremble, I don’t act crazy. It’s something very internal, my mind is racing around but I am a very disciplined person that does not show physical sign of being distress but my brain is going banana inside.
Incidentally, those are also the moments where I get all my wild and sometimes insightful ideas. I know that when I close my eyes, the fear would be temporally gone, or if I envision an image in my mind , the anxiety of other people around me would be temporally gone but it always come back. When you are in a social situation, it always come up , because the anxiety is surrounding me and I could not escape. I am especially fearful of small spaces.
Sometimes, I don’t have as much anxiety but I experienced it today and nine hours later, I am still relieving it. I was in a small classroom and I have a guy sitting close to me, I am having a moment of transference, I am fearful of mostly any guys (I am also attracted to them, do you think it comes from fear) and I just automically transference any guy as a potential bully that will hurt me. This totally just increased my anxiety level to the max, not to mention I felt like I was in a freaking prison because the classroom was so small.
In these moments of madness, I realize that if I start moving around physically, shaking my legs, I would feel a slight relief. I can handle my own anxiety in a way, but what I ABSOLUTELY cannot handle is the fact that I know my anxiety is scaring away other people.
I don’t know exactly how I scare them off, I don’t know what signals I sent, but its almost telepathic , and mystical. I feel that the anxiety has not stopped even now when I am in the safety of my home, I feel like my anxiety is still “rubbing” off to him telephatically and he hates me for it. He hates me now, he thinks I am the lowest person ever and I am totally mental and it breaks my heart. I don’t usually act like this, but I was really feeling it today and I really feel so GUILTY that my anxiety is causing distress to others. It’s really the idea of being anxious about being anxious. I feel like I have some super horrible power that can cause distress to people by TELEPAHY OR AIR.
I don’t know HOW TO SOLVE THIS, my therapist don’t know what I am talking about.
So..my question is, does anyone feel that way? I am so ashamed to go back to that class now and see that guy. He really thinks I am a freaking crazy maniac and I AM.
Thank you for reading..